Who Needs a CAKE Anyway?

Next weekend is Mouth's 14th birthday. We're trying to come up with a cake. Grocery store cakes creep me out. I mean, look at this cake:

There are so many things wrong with this cake. The serial killer handwriting, the off-center placement, the PIPING ALONG THE EDGE!!! I...I just...I can't even look at it.

I made a Battlefield 3 cake a few years back that wasn't too bad, actually! But I about slit my wrists with the icing knife trying to get that damn cake done.

Not professional but not bad for someone on her fourth glass of Chardonnay at 2:00 in the morning. Mouth loved it because I made it for him. Awww!

Yeah, I'm not doing it again. So far, we have deduced that Mouth:

• doesn't like sports
• loves gaming but doesn't have a fave game
• loves music but not a particular band
• plays games on a computer (Xbox and Play Stations are SOOOO 2012 MOM)
• doesn't have a fave color but is open to blue
• doesn't care what the cake looks like but wants it to be "cool"

Awesome. So helpful. Someone suggested putting a big ol' pic of ME on it and be like, "Well, you said you didn't care what your cake looked like..."

Very tempting.

What are some of the best cakes you've ever seen? Some of the worst? And post pictures so we can all enjoy!

My Hardships Trump Your Hardships

Mouth's a whiner. It's okay, I'll own it. He gets it from me. And he HATES IT when I pull the childhood trump card and am all, "I had it so hard when I was growing up. I didn't have the internet. We had to go to the actual LIBRARY and look stuff up in books and stuff. Dude, I graduated college without the internet or a laptop. I'm FRIKKIN AMAZEBALLS!!!"

Last night, Mouth was whining that his internet connection was slow.

Mouth: "Mooooommmm, we need faster internetttttt. I'm getting my butt kicked on my games because my game is soooooo laggy......."

(Because I don't pay Comcast nearly $200 a month for cable, phone and HIGH-SPEED INTERNET.)

Me: "Psht. I had it so hard when I was growing up..."

Mouth: "STOP, okay??? I know you had it harder. I don't wanna hear it right now!!!" (as he angrily shoves his straw into a juice box)

Me: "Dude, you have no idea. You see that juicebox? You have it SO GOOD. I used to have to shove a SPIKED PLASTIC THING INTO A DAMN ORANGE AND SUCK A TENTH OF AN OUNCE OF JUICE AT A TIME!!!!"

Mouth: ".....seriously?"

Me: "YES!!!"

Anyone remember these?

Mouth: "....seriously?"

Me: "Yup. You had to keep sticking it in different spots to get more little drips of juice."

Mouth: "You win."

Throwback Thursday

This Throwback Thursday doesn't go too far back but it was quite the omen for what was to come.

Mouth had just turned nine years old, and I wanted to take a pic of him. He was sitting next to me watching TV when I said, "Hey, I wanna take your pic. Do something."

Mouth: "Noooo. I'm watching Power Rangers."

Me: "Come on...it's at commercial. DO SOMETHINGGGG!!!!"

He slowly turned to me, smiled that shit eatin' grin, and stuck his pudgy little finger in the air. I snapped the pic, laughed my ass off, then yelled at him for giving me the bird. His response?

"Well...you told me to do something. So I DID something!"

I've been laughing (then yelling) at his vulgar actions ever since. Man, he and my dad would have been best buds. I'm beginning to wonder if Mouth isn't my father reincarnated.

Checking Mouth's Facebook

A major sign of my child growing up was when he wanted to use my birthday to create a Facebook account. That should have been my first red flag.

But I went along with it. He had some classmates on Facebook, I figured I could HEAVILY monitor...so I agreed. According to Facebook, he's now 39 years old. He wasn't really into girls so I didn't have to worry about that so I thought, What kind of trouble could he get into with his friends?

Then he tried to friend me.

Oh HELL NO.

I drew the line at that one. But from time to time I'll log into his account (oh yes, Mama has the login info AT ALL TIMES) and monitor his Facebook activity. He doesn't post a lot- again, he's not really into girls yet...more into gaming so he's not on Facebook much. Then tonight I realized it had been quite a while since I checked into Mouth's Facebook account. So I logged in.

There wasn't much posting on his part but other kids ARE MEAN! They're all posting about their classmates being fat and stupid and teachers being ASSHOLES (yes, they were typing ASSHOLES) and it brought me back to the mean kids I knew in school. It felt good that my darling child wasn't a part of this nonsense!

And then I checked his private messages.

Apparently, he had been teasing a little girl at school who had a boyfriend. A 12-year-old with a BOYFRIEND is serious shit, ya know? So the boyfriend found out and apparently wasn't very happy with Mouth. The following snapshot is an exchange of their confrontation.


Bad kid: "Wanna fight?'

Mouth: "Ya les go bro. Imma gonna PWN your ass!"

Bad kid: "Omfg. OK. Monday."

Mouth: "Nah, I'm busy on Monday. Gonna be doing something at recess then. I'm open Tuesday."


Hahahahaha!!!! Although I am APPALLED my child would agree to a fight, the reschedule due to recess activities CRACKS. ME. UP.

Granted, I called him down from his room to lecture him on the better ways of solving disagreements without fighting but a small part of me was proud he stuck up for himself...AND postponed the fight due to prior recess commitments.

Holy hell. I'm still tearing up from laughing!

Trivia (and Motherhood) Win

Let me just say I am SO EFFING STOKED because I just won a trivia game because I was the only player to get ALL questions correct on identifying which given name is A) a Mexican state or B) a Star Wars planet.

One might surmise, "Oh, Rags is a Star Wars fan? I surely didn't see that one coming!" Nay, nay children - no worries. I am NOT a Star Wars. However, I am finally grateful I experienced 2 1/2 years of TORTURE listening to Mouth drone on and on (and on and on) about that movie - so much so that I wanted to SHOVE HOT SKEWERS IN MY EARS just to stop the blah-blah-Luke-Skywalker-Tatooine-blah-blah-Darth Vader-Hoth-Naboo-blah-blah crap I endured for-EVER.

[Okay...in order not to alienate my Star Wars fans, I watched the movie when I was like 7 years old, mildly enjoying it mostly because I dug Princess Leia's bun thingys (which I totally tried to copy as a child - and once or twice at Halloween as an adult.) But I just never understood the utter fascination (read: obsession) The Kid had with this stupid movie! (I've since learned it's a "guy thing.")]

Anyhoo, I thanked Mouth for torturing me - or rather, enlightening me - about Star Wars because thanks to him I won a meaningless trivia game.

Which is about all I got going for me right now so BOOYAH BITCHES!!!!!!

Reality Check

Mother and I just got into a heated argument because she locks her front door WITH THE DOOR KNOB LOCK THINGY. Dude. It's 2013. Why do they even still HAVE door lock thingies on door knobs???

One might ask, doesn't the poor thing have a deadbolt? Why YES, she does! But she still locks the door knob whenever she leaves. I, personally, have busted into her apartment no less than three times in the last two years for various reasons - thus proving her door knob lock is a JOKE. I mean, doesn't the woman watch 'The First 48'? There are crazy people out there. Like me!

And this is the same woman I entrust to get my son to and from school every day. Did I mention how two weeks ago her car broke down on the way to school and some strange dude pulled over and offered a ride to Mother and Mouth? And HOW SHE TOOK IT??? Good thing she had a cell phone on her to call any of the probably 20 relatives or neighbors we have here in our small town...right?

*end sarcasm*

Jesus. No wonder I drink so much.....

Happy Birthday!

Thirteen years ago today my life changed for the better (well...MOST days it's for the better!) Not much of a difference having a teenager in the house as he's acted like a 21-year-old frat guy since about age 10.

Happy birthday, Mouth. Ted and I love ya!

Live Texting a Spelling Bee

Mouth made it to his school spelling bee for the fourth time but he's always a bridesmaid, never a bride. The closest he's come to winning is top ten. I joked with him this morning saying it's no big deal if he doesn't win - because if he did, he would move on to the county bee at which point some Asian kid would kick his ass. He said, "But I wanna win...just once." Awwww!

I had to work so Mother said she would attend and keep me posted. The first year she attended in my stead I told her to call me and hold the phone up so I could hear Mouth spelling. Every round she kept saying she'd call me when they got to him the next round. But when she did call, it was right when he was spelling and she was apparently holding it UNDERWATER because I couldn't hear anything. This year I suggested she text me.

Me: "Have they started yet?"

Mother: "Whew he made it thru the first round. second kid missed it."

Me: "What??? What was the first round word? Ya gotta keep me updated!"

Mother: "6 kids out first round. he made thru 2nd."

Me: "Ma! What was the second word???"

Mother: "..."

Me: "How's he doing?"

Mother: "..."

Me: "Stop ignoring me! You're a terrible live texter!!!"

Mother: "He just made it thru 3rd round. obligerate wordliness and intelligence"

Me: "Wow. I don't even know what obligerate is?"

(Side note: A 7th grade spelling bee word that I've never even heard of before? This should have been my first clue something was off.)

Mother: "They are dropping like flies now. Words are really hard."

Me: "Oh boy..."

Mother: "9 kids left. Just spelled perfectonism correctly!"

Me: "Yay! He's so smart. Gets that from me. I'm part Asian you know. And it's perfectionism."

Mother: "haha sure you are. He made it on longtude. 6 left!"

Me: "Holy cow! And it's longitude."

Mother: "Stop correcting me. 5 left!"

Me: "Fingers crossed!"

Mother: "4! Made it with unforeeable."

Me: "unforeseeable"

Mother: "3 left. uh oh hard word"

Me: "???"

Mother: "Missed on taceturn. So did next kid."

Me: "So did you. It's TACITURN."

Mother: "Do you want me to stop texting you?"

Me: "No but come on...you have 12 year olds spelling these for you!"

Mother: "Darn. Some other kid won. He just has to beat the other kid and he gets runner up."

Me: "Come on Z!"

Mother: "He spelled geogolist right!"

Me: "GEOLOGIST"

Mother: "Spelled veribage right"

Me: "VERBIAGE???"

Mother: "Stop it!!!! Oh no...nomitive is next"

Me: "wth??? I just Googled that and it isn't even a word. You mean nominative?"

Mother: "Idk. He missed and got 3rd."

Me: "Awww. Still the highest he's placed yet. Tell him I'm so proud of him!"

Mother: "I will."

Me: "btw, I'm totally gonna blog about you misspelling all the words they were spelling."

Mother: "I was trying to liaten and text, you brat!"

Me: "LISTEN!!!"

Needless to say, Mother is refusing to ever live text a spelling bee again.

Parent Teacher Conference Time

This week was Mouth's first parent-teacher conference at his new school. Most of his teachers think he's a hoot, and he earns decent grades (except math - just like his mama!) so the meetings are usually pretty painless. As we were waiting for his teacher to arrive, we browsed through a notebook of homework he put together in preparation for the meeting. I was paging through until this writing assignment caught me eye. I busted out laughing and was all, "I HAVE to take a picture of this paper!"

The assignment is: "If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere." What does this quote mean to you about life?

Mouth's first sentence is: "A path with no obstacles is like ending up as a McDonald's janitor."

This kid cracks me up! I'm so happy he was born with my sense of humor (which I got from my dad...all of which drives Mother INSANE.)

*Sidenote: Also discovered during the meeting: Mouth's Spanish class played a game where the kids each came up with a phrase, had the teacher translate it into spanish for them, then they had to act out or draw their phrase in an attempt to get the class to guess it. The teacher was in tears telling me how Mouth's phrase was "I love weapons of mass destruction." He drew George Bush with his thumb on a big red button. She also said she chose not to tell the other teachers about that because she didn't think they'd get as big a kick out of it as she did. I told her that was probably a really good idea!

You Sure This School Is Public???

7th grade registration fee: $82

PE clothes and rental lock: $25

School supplies: $65

Getting my daily naps back: PRICELESS

Seriously though...$65 for cheap crap at Walmart??? I bought so much loose leaf paper today, my child better write on every last damn page this year.

EVERY LAST DAMN PAGE. ALL 1500 OF 'EM.

Just Another Monday In The Riches To Rags Household

Have you ever had one of those moments where everything just cosmically comes together? A time when things you would never EVER consider doing just suddenly feels right? (And no, I'm not referring to alcohol-fueled hot sex, which is usually what comes out of my "cosmically coming together" revelations.) The last 24 hours has completely upended my world...but I know my life is going to be so much better because of it.

Ready? You sure?

I just quit my job and pulled my son out of school. I am going to homeschool him for the rest of the year.

I KNOW, RIGHT??? And I was sober the whole time!

Although I loved the little part time job I held in the ER, it was becoming increasingly difficult to keep up. I won't go into details but I would come home exhausted, miserable and unable to even cook dinner for myself and my child. I was physically and mentally spent. My managers were aware of my concerns - but I finally realized I wasn't the person I was six months ago. I had become a grumpy, exhausted, pain in the ass and it was ruining the relationships around me. Last night, I chose my health and mental well-being over the paltry money I was earning at my job and gave my notice.

My child is no angel. He's very bright with a reading/comprehension level equal to almost a senior in high school (although his math skills are horrid - definitely his mama's child!) He already knows most of what is taught in school and finishes his work early - which is when he gets into trouble. He gets bored easily and likes to make others laugh, much to the chagrin of his teacher.

Today, after his teacher told the class to stop talking, Mouth was whispering to a girl next to him. The teacher commanded him to sit in the hallway (because he learns SO MUCH in the hours he spends in the hallway each week.) He was angry and slammed the classroom door behind him. Big mistake. He then spent the rest of the day sitting in a fourth grade classroom with a dictionary, a piece of paper and a pencil, with strict instructions to start copying every word from the book.

(BTW, kudos to my child for not saying, "Really? I already have a vocabulary that rivals if not exceeds yours. Don't you think YOU should be the one studying a dictionary???" because that's what I totally would have said!)

He was humiliated, which I believe was his teacher's intent. When Mouth told me about his day, that cosmic voice said, "Do it." I called the principal and told him I was pulling my son from school. He wisely agreed.

SO! Big changes over the last day or so but I feel good about them. I listened to my gut and made decisions based on what felt right to me.

And right now my gut is chanting, "Chardonnay! Chardonnay!"

Yes, He IS Only Twelve Years Old

After leaving the visitation of a 16-year-old who died as a result of a heroin overdose:

Me: "So. That was pretty sad, huh?"

Mouth: "Yeah."

Me: "This is why I don't want you to ever mess with drugs. Doesn't matter if you're young, old, rich, poor - drugs will kill you."

Mouth: "I know. And I don't care how much money I have when I grow up, I'm not getting into drugs PERIOD."

Me: "Good boy."

Mouth: "Hoes are another story, though."

Me: "........."

Mouth: "What???"

Me: "Who are you?"

Happy Birthday Stinkpot!

Twelve years ago today, I gave birth to a precious baby boy whom I swore was going to be the next David Beckham. Instead, my baby boy has blossomed into an interesting mix of Van Gogh and The Rolling Stones. And I couldn't be more proud of him.

Happy birthday, Mouth!!!!

(Due to procrastination, I didn't have time to order a cool cake. So I baked one myself. Needless to say, the Cake Boss guy's job is totally safe.)

Good News, Bad News...Part 2

Good news? My bank is so awesome - they detected suspicious activity on my check card and called me on a Sunday afternoon to verify the nearly $120 in iTunes purchases charged to me that day. Debbie, from the bank's fraud department, was very kind in helping me uncover who used my check card to make all those app purchases.

Bad news? Mouth is grounded until he's married.

Heart Attack In 3...2...1...

I'm at work and my phone buzzes in my pocket. It's a local number so I answer:

Me: "Hello?"

Her: "Hi. This is the Pekin Police Department."

Me: "I'm gonna kill him. If he's okay, I'm gonna kill him."

Her: "I'm sorry?"

Me: "Oh, I'm sorry. Hi?"

Her: "I'm looking for the resident of 1113 South **** Street. Are you that resident?"

Me: "No, I live at 1311 South **** Street."

Her: "Oh, sorry. We must have switched the numbers. Have a good day!"

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH HIS TEEN YEARS, AM I?

A Glimpse Of The Teen Years

Yesterday Mouth and I ran into a 13-year-old neighbor kid who was sporting a silver hoop pierced through his lip.

Me: "Oh my. Did you see August's lip???"

Mouth: "Yeah. It's kinda cool."

Me: "!!!!!!!"

Mouth: "Oh, don't worry. I don't want one."

Me: "Phew! Good boy."

Mouth: "But a chin stud on the other hand..."


I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH HIS TEEN YEARS, AM I?

Feeling Hot, Hot, Hot!

I was raised with electric stoves but found a gas stove in the first house I bought. Although I had a bit of a learning curve when it came to gauging temperature by looking at the size of the flame, I loved my gas stove. It was hotter and faster than any electric stove I'd ever cooked on.

My new apartment has an electric stove but it's one where the cooktop is flat, black and shiny. I dig it...except when I'm stirring and realize I stirred my pan right off the burner. Ten minutes ago.

Anyhoo, I learned a NEW lesson today! Have you ever been to one of those Japanese restaurants where they cook in front of you? You know when they squirt oil and light a match and WOOOOOO!!!! big flames shoot up in the air?

That's TOTALLY doable on a stove where the cooktop is flat, black and shiny. Personally, I have zero ambition to be a teppanyaki chef so it's safe to say I didn't intend to light my stove on fire. But it was kinda cool - until I realized I was going to have to put the fire out. All the tips firefighters taught us in grade school assemblies about putting out kitchen fires whirled through my head. Do I get baking soda? Do I find a pan lid? Where's that damn fire extinguisher Mother bought for me two Christmases ago???

As I'm standing there wondering what to do, Mouth walks up and goes "whoo!" and blows it out.

"I was totally going to do that in a sec."

"Sure, Mom. I'll be upstairs if you set anything else on fire."

Little shit. Guess who isn't getting any of my burned potstickers???

Duh!

Last night, Mouth was rolling around the living room floor making shooting noises and talking to himself. After a few minutes, I said, "What in the world are you doing?" He replied:

"I'm using my imagination. DUH!!!"

Man, I love that little weirdo.

The One Called 'Mouth'

Mouth: "What's a bimbo?"

Me: "Chicks with like, big boobs and no brains."

Mouth: "Oh. I thought those were called blondes."

(Best part? He was totally serious.)

Parent Teacher Conference Time Again!

The good news? My kid's test scores peg him at a junior in high school.

The bad news? He's only in sixth grade.

So they're telling me I'm already dealing with a teenager's mouth and he isn't even in junior high yet? I'm gonna need a straight jacket by the time he hits college!

Either that or a new liver...