Public Pooping Protocol

Okay, let's just get something out of the way so we can all move on with this post and have fun.

Everyone poops. Big deal.

At home, at work, in the middle of lunch at McDonald's, we all gotta poop sometime. However, many people don't know there is a protocol for pooping in public.

I've been working for a full week now and CLEARLY the women in my vicinity have no clue how to publicly poop because our bathroom always smells like a dead body in a trunk (not that I would personally know that smell or anything. Swear.) I'm tempted to make 'Poop Protocol' signs and post them on the inside of the bathroom stall doors but the place I work is That Kind Of Place (you know, where not many have a sense of humor...and there would be an inquiry...a matching of the paper and scotch tape to find the culprit...then I would get fired over poop...so yeah.)

*Side note: Let me preface this by saying these protocols are written generally for women. Men, it would be fantastic if you followed these rules as well but I have a feeling y'all get off on grossing each other out. Plus you NEVER poop in public. You will race home to poop on your lunch break just to avoid a public mens' room stall, amirite???

Okay. Here we go:

First rule - FLUSH AS YOU GO. It quickly disposes of the stinky matter so therefore stops the marination of your poop, the aroma of which travels throughout the bathroom for several hours after your visit. Flushing also does a beautiful job of masking unpleasant sounds that may emit from your derriere.

I know what you're thinking. "I don't want my butt splashed" or "I'll be swallowed up by the toilet if I flush!" Honey, you're not six years old. You should know by now that the toilet monster doesn't exist. And the splash? You might possibly feel a little mist but think of it as a bidet. And you're saving everyone else's nose hairs.

Second rule - HIDE IN THE STALL UNTIL IMMEDIATE WITNESSES LEAVE. I forgot to mention we all also fart. Whether too loud or the result of an ill-timed flush, sometimes we just can't hide last night's refried bean burrito combo. It's okay. However, what's NOT okay is letting off farts that make dogs outside start howling, flushing and then walking out AND GREETING the woman standing at the sink who just had a front row seat to your ass concert. "Oooh, cute shoes!" ain't gonna take away the mental scars you just gave that woman by putting a face to the fart.

Now I realize you can't hide in a stall all day. It's okay to show yourself as other women are leaving their stalls because with bathroom acoustics no one is really 100% certain where the offending farts originated (it also helps to shoot a weird glance at the closed handicap stall door as we all know most poopers pick the big stall on the end.) But if it's just you and one other person, I'd wait to exit. Unless she stands there and does her makeup for 10 minutes. Then start making puking sounds, and she'll leave.

Life is hard - wars, famine, douchebags who hang in the left lane. Following these two rules will make all of our lives much more pleasant...and you will never be singled out as The One Who Poops.

Parent Teacher Conference Time

This week was Mouth's first parent-teacher conference at his new school. Most of his teachers think he's a hoot, and he earns decent grades (except math - just like his mama!) so the meetings are usually pretty painless. As we were waiting for his teacher to arrive, we browsed through a notebook of homework he put together in preparation for the meeting. I was paging through until this writing assignment caught me eye. I busted out laughing and was all, "I HAVE to take a picture of this paper!"

The assignment is: "If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere." What does this quote mean to you about life?

Mouth's first sentence is: "A path with no obstacles is like ending up as a McDonald's janitor."

This kid cracks me up! I'm so happy he was born with my sense of humor (which I got from my dad...all of which drives Mother INSANE.)

*Sidenote: Also discovered during the meeting: Mouth's Spanish class played a game where the kids each came up with a phrase, had the teacher translate it into spanish for them, then they had to act out or draw their phrase in an attempt to get the class to guess it. The teacher was in tears telling me how Mouth's phrase was "I love weapons of mass destruction." He drew George Bush with his thumb on a big red button. She also said she chose not to tell the other teachers about that because she didn't think they'd get as big a kick out of it as she did. I told her that was probably a really good idea!

Texting.....

I start a new job on Monday so I decided to kickstart the weekend by calling my cable company and getting my old cable package back. I did it mostly for Mouth so he can watch My Little Pony on Saturday mornings (yes, I just outed him as a "brony") but then I realized how much tv I got back - and how boring my life has been the last few years without 600 channels in it.

Me: "I have Gameshow Network again! And National Geographic. I just wanna cry!"

Mother: "lol too bad you're going back to work"

Me: "ikr??? No wonder I've been so miserable. Can't even tell you how many times I see a show and am like YES!!! Then realize I don't have the channel and am like DAMMIT!!!

Mother: "Poor baby. You should have gotten it anyway"

Me: "I have the Cooking Channel too!"

Mother: "lol you are so funny"

Me: "I have the Oprah network. HOLY SHIZNIT!!!"

Mother: "Are you ever gonna leave home again???"

Me: "I don't think so."

Rags Reads

The worst part of being unemployed (other than having an income of ZERO) is the boredom that sets in once Mouth goes back to school. I usually spend my mornings showering, applying for jobs online, and sitting out back with Ted. My afternoons are what drag. So I started reading.

And reading. And reading.

I dug mysteries growing up - Nancy Drew, Mary Higgins Clark, anything with a dead body rocked my world. A few months ago, I downloaded a free Kindle app from Amazon onto my phone so I'd always have a book with me. However, because I'm broke I only download free books - which is a real crapshoot as most free books are free for a reason.

Side note: I once read a book so bad that I left a review on the Amazon site. (Reviews are extremely common and usually determine whether I read a book or not. I check out the stars readers gave the book and read a couple of blurbs to see if it's my cup of tea.) So I left my review that really truly wasn't that scathing. I gave it one star and basically said the characters weren't really developed, gave an example, and suggested maybe the five-star reviewers were family and/or friends of the author because I can't see the book being five star. The author WENT NUTS. He kept leaving batshit crazy comments, cussing me out, saying I was just a failed writer who wanted to be like him...yada yada yada. I was like, I don't want to be like you...you suck! Then he would delete the comments - that way, I would see them because Amazon would automatically send them to me but the rest of the world wouldn't see them because he had deleted it. He was obviously unstable - which I detailed in a second review comment on his book. His name is Buck Winthrop. Obviously the screen name of a failed porn star...and I'd recommend avoiding his book at all costs. Douchebag.

Anyhoo, I got to the point where I needed a GOOD BOOK but I didn't have the funds to visit a bookstore. Then I remembered....the library! I hadn't been in one of those since college but I knew there was one somewhere in my little armpit town.

I started on the Michael Connelly crime/mystery book series featuring Detective Harry Bosch. I highly recommend the whole series. Even though Harry was a middle-aged man who chain smoked and sported a moustache, I enjoyed his story and was continually enrapt with his escapades. I blew through the whole series within a month or so. 4 out of 5 stars.

After finishing the Bosch books, I decided I wanted something a bit more educational...or at least something that might help me win Tuesday Night Trivia. I put a call out on Facebook asking for recommendations on autobiographies and such. I got a lot of great feedback. Unfortunately, my local Armpit Library only had a few of the suggestions. Below are three bios and my scholarly review (read: snarkiness) of each.

"Most Talkative" by Andy Cohen
As is pretty evident to anyone who remotely knows me, I am a Bravo whore. I love everything reality-especially if it's on Bravo. Andy Cohen is Executive VP of Development and Talent as well as the host of Watch What Happens Live (WWHL) and the Real Housewives' Reunion Specials. I was shocked when I first realized the same WWHL Andy was a VP at Bravo but was floored after I read his "path to the top." Essentially, Andy has been an overactive, inappropriate gay Jewish boy his whole life (well, the gay Jewish thing is sort of a constant but you know what I mean.) He's really quite lucky he's landed where he has because he was one sequined suit away from being a backup dancer in a Liberace revival in Vegas. And I'm glad he made it because I LOVE HIM! 3 1/2 out of 5 stars.

"It Ain't All About The Cooking" by Paula Deen
I have a love/hate relationship with Paula but I saw her book on the shelf and wondered where the whole butter addiction stemmed from. Turns out she suffered from agoraphobia for years (as did I) and was dirt poor after leaving her alcoholic husband. She worked her little Southern ass OFF to open her own restaurant, then worked just as hard to get to the iconic cooking goddess status that she now holds (although she never explains her fascination with butter except to chalk it up to her Southern upbringing.) I have newfound respect for her...but I still can't watch more than ten minutes of her tv show. 3 out of 5 stars.

"Stories I Only Tell My Friends" by Rob Lowe
I grew up in the 80s with Rob Lowe posters on my wall (along with Rick Springfield) so I was stoked to read his book. Unfortunately, Rob's book consisted mostly of the details of his acting career. A few interesting tidbits but if these are the stories he only tells his friends, then he's boring! This guy probably had one of the most interesting sex lives in the 1980s and 1990s. I vaguely remember him being involved in some sort of sextape scandal - I was excited to hear his side. Nothing. Totally glossed over his scandal. I had to Google it to see what happened. Good Lord...I wanted details! Okay, understandable if he wanted to protect ex-girlfriends and didn't want to give juicy details but you gotta give me something - I mean, I drove all the way to the library to borrow this thing. You owe me more than that! 2 1/2 out of 5 stars.

That's as far as I got because now I have a job! I start next week so my obsessive book reading days are likely over. However, I still have a few books on my wish list:

• "Hell's Angel: The Life and Times of Sonny Barger and the Hell's Angels Motorcycle Club" by Sonny Barger
• "Chelsea, Chelsea, Bang, Bang" by Chelsea Handler
• "The Stranger Beside Me" by Ann Rule (a Ted Bundy story)

Any other suggestions?

Oh, and no need to include any of Mr. Winthrop's other books. If he has more than one. Which is doubtful. Highly doubtful.

Texting.....

Me: "Hey Ma, Krogers is having a bunch of food samples today. They're everywhere! Just an fyi."

Mother: "I know. That's where Grandma and I ate lunch today!"

Lord, please let me be adopted...

*sigh*