On A Serious Note

I went to a funeral today for a little baby who died two weeks before his due date. Somehow his cord got knotted by his belly and cut off his life from his mother. It's apparently quite rare, which doesn't make his mom feel any less guilty.

His mother is on state aid. Thankfully, the state picked up the tab for the service and the plot and the tiny little white casket he was buried in. There should never be caskets that tiny. However, they didn't pay for the headstone. Apparently, they never do. As I stood behind his mom while the pastor blessed him and said the awful words of "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust" I looked out over the "Public Aid Baby Cemetary" and saw a handful of plastic spikes with namecards on them - those are the babies whose parents couldn't afford a headstone.

I always wanted to win the lottery so I could buy a sweet house in Florida or a Mercedes Benz SUV like the Jenner/Kardashians. Now I just want to win it so I can start a savings account to give those babies headstones.

I'd like to think I made a difference today by offering to buy baby Jace's headstone for my friend. It's a small offering but the other nametag garden spikes still haunt me...

Furry Little F*cker

Okay, I can admit when I'm an asshole.

I'm an asshole.

In the past, whenever I would see or hear friends lamenting about their dogs - whether they were sick or they died - I'd be all "Awww...so sad!" and then think, "Dude. It's a dog. Get over it, have kids, and feel REAL life."

And then I met Ted.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. I love this stupid dog so much. He reminds me of my son when he was one year old, which was a HORRIBLE TIME because Mouth couldn't tell me if his tummy was hurting or if he was tired or whatever he was feeling. I was so happy when he started talking so I could help him feel better no matter what was bothering him.

And now I'm stuck in a perpetual time warp of loving a baby who can't tell me if his tummy hurts or if he's hungry (well, actually, he does a reallllly good job of telling me he's hungry!) I knew probably five years ago I wasn't going to have any more children, which I was cool with - and then I got Ted. He's my baby. My buddy. He follows me everywhere (except the bathroom - he stops at the threshold because he ain't dumb...he knows that's where BATHS HAPPEN.) He's sleeping against my leg as I type this blog.

I love him so much it breaks my heart because I don't ever want anything bad to happen to him...but I know I will likely outlive him. And I hate that I think about that, and I wish I could stop but he's my everything...you know?

Shit. It's probably time I started dating again, yes???

Random Quote of the Day

Nothing says 'Welcome to your new house!' like finding a pair of teeth in the bottom of your new closet.

ROOTS INTACT AND ALL.

Side note: Something this random finally didn't happen to me! It happened to a friend who also has the most random shit happen to her. She posted her find (picture and all) on her Facebook page and everyone was very comforting ("I'm sure your house is fine/burn a little sage") and I'm all, "HOLY SHIT. THAT'S AWESOME!!!!"

I'm not sure her other friends like me.

Or get my sense of humor.

F*ck 'em. THAT WAS AWESOME!!!!!

My (Latest) Pet Peeves

I let trivial shit piss me off waaaay too much. I'm hoping by compiling this list I will save a few bucks on my next therapy session.

MY PET PEEVES

*this list is directed at no one in particular...except for the chode in number 3*

1. People who are more than five minutes late
2. People who don't respond to my email
3. A dude who takes a shit in my bathroom for 40 minutes with no explanation or apology...ON OUR FIRST DATE
4. Being a douchebag
5. Parking over the lines
6. Parking backwards
7. Getting away with shit when I can't
8. Brown nosing
9. My mother
10. Whistlers
11. People who hum - I hate hummers almost as much as whistlers
12. People who won't say 'fuck' when they really want to
13. People who run marathons (just a little jealousy here...)
14. People who are 40 years old but don't have a driver's license
15. Or a job (mostly targeting men on this one)
16. Buying a dog when you don't even see your kid
17. Assholes
18. My sister (might be related to #17)
19. Cats (although I always seem to have one)
20. Judgey people
21. People who drive 10 miles under the speed limit in the left lane
22. People who slam on their brakes because you're riding their ass because they're driving 10 miles under the speed limit in the left lane
23. Shit talkers (DAMMIT, I do that)
24. People who claim to not watch tv
25. Jennifer Lopez
26. My mother
27. Friends who don't understand when you cancel because you have diarrhea
28. Cross-eyed people
29. My phone dinging with a text when I'm trying to catch five minutes of sleep before work/class (usually Mother)
30. Men
31. HAPPY FUCKING PEOPLE (at least I said fucking when I wanted to)
32. Smokers (dude...it's 2013. You smell. And you likely have bronchitis/pneumonia/emphysema...WONDER WHY!!! Plus...you smell.)
33. My mother

Anyone else?

I Miss the 80s

I've realized that as I grow older I forget things. Which is disturbing because I do puzzles and shit to ward off future dementia. Perhaps it's the alcohol....what was I saying? Oh yes...I am pleasantly surprised to see that 'Private Benjamin' is coming on in 20 minutes. I FORGOT HOW MUCH I LOVE THAT MOVIE. It's about up there with 'National Lampoon's Vacation'. I see it's rated R but I totally remember watching it as an 8-year-old. GAWD I miss the 80s! You know, when we could watch rated R movies because rated R just meant SEX and stuff???

'Hardbodies' is another one. I love that movie!!! I probably shouldn't admit that it's one of my fave movies. Jesus, my mother and her husband du jour should NOT have had HBO and Showtime in my grade school years...

(Bee tee dub, I don't have movie channels in my cable package. However, we have broadband internet so I can only IMAGINE the shit Mouth sees on a nightly basis. I'm sure he's seen Kim Kardashian nekkid. Psht...like who hasn't???)