Let me just say I am SO EFFING STOKED because I just won a trivia game because I was the only player to get ALL questions correct on identifying which given name is A) a Mexican state or B) a Star Wars planet.
One might surmise, "Oh, Rags is a Star Wars fan? I surely didn't see that one coming!" Nay, nay children - no worries. I am NOT a Star Wars. However, I am finally grateful I experienced 2 1/2 years of TORTURE listening to Mouth drone on and on (and on and on) about that movie - so much so that I wanted to SHOVE HOT SKEWERS IN MY EARS just to stop the blah-blah-Luke-Skywalker-Tatooine-blah-blah-Darth Vader-Hoth-Naboo-blah-blah crap I endured for-EVER.
[Okay...in order not to alienate my Star Wars fans, I watched the movie when I was like 7 years old, mildly enjoying it mostly because I dug Princess Leia's bun thingys (which I totally tried to copy as a child - and once or twice at Halloween as an adult.) But I just never understood the utter fascination (read: obsession) The Kid had with this stupid movie! (I've since learned it's a "guy thing.")]
Anyhoo, I thanked Mouth for torturing me - or rather, enlightening me - about Star Wars because thanks to him I won a meaningless trivia game.
Which is about all I got going for me right now so BOOYAH BITCHES!!!!!!
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
Friday, May 24, 2013
Things That Make You Go Hmmm....
Hmmm.....something's missing. What is it? Oh, this is gonna bug me all night.
WAIT. Got it.
Me so horny! Me love you long time!!!
Phew. Thank gawd it wasn't something WHOLLY inappropriate to put on Grandma's car or anything.
WAIT. Got it.
Me so horny! Me love you long time!!!
Phew. Thank gawd it wasn't something WHOLLY inappropriate to put on Grandma's car or anything.
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Dinner with Strangers
I was recently asked whom I'd like to meet if given the chance. I had to think about it...so many choices! I mean, seriously- we got the reality garbage I love (my pick would be Caroline Manzo of Real Housewives of New Jersey) and the reality not-so-garbage I love (I'd pick Spike Medelsohn of Top Chef). But real people? Okay.
I wish Grace Kelly was still alive. She'd be my number one. But her spoiled daughter ruined that one. Thanks, Stephanie!
Ouch. Too soon?
Anyhoo, I'd pick Lauren Bacall. She's the epitome of style and grace to me. We witnessed her falling in love with Bogie in "To Have and Have Not", where she taught Steve to whistle: "You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and...blow." Mee-OW! She knew how to be sexy without taking off her clothes or being vulgar. Love that era.
But Lauren probably wouldn't want to meet Rags. Rags can be a tad vulgar.
So my second pick is Jenny McCarthy. We're both from Illinois, we're both GORGEOUS (okay, okay...she has a little edge over me) and we're both funny as hell. At least we think we are.
Whom would you like to meet???
I wish Grace Kelly was still alive. She'd be my number one. But her spoiled daughter ruined that one. Thanks, Stephanie!
Ouch. Too soon?
Anyhoo, I'd pick Lauren Bacall. She's the epitome of style and grace to me. We witnessed her falling in love with Bogie in "To Have and Have Not", where she taught Steve to whistle: "You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? You just put your lips together and...blow." Mee-OW! She knew how to be sexy without taking off her clothes or being vulgar. Love that era.
But Lauren probably wouldn't want to meet Rags. Rags can be a tad vulgar.
So my second pick is Jenny McCarthy. We're both from Illinois, we're both GORGEOUS (okay, okay...she has a little edge over me) and we're both funny as hell. At least we think we are.
Whom would you like to meet???
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Saturday, May 18, 2013
Reality Check
Mother and I just got into a heated argument because she locks her front door WITH THE DOOR KNOB LOCK THINGY. Dude. It's 2013. Why do they even still HAVE door lock thingies on door knobs???
One might ask, doesn't the poor thing have a deadbolt? Why YES, she does! But she still locks the door knob whenever she leaves. I, personally, have busted into her apartment no less than three times in the last two years for various reasons - thus proving her door knob lock is a JOKE. I mean, doesn't the woman watch 'The First 48'? There are crazy people out there. Like me!
And this is the same woman I entrust to get my son to and from school every day. Did I mention how two weeks ago her car broke down on the way to school and some strange dude pulled over and offered a ride to Mother and Mouth? And HOW SHE TOOK IT??? Good thing she had a cell phone on her to call any of the probably 20 relatives or neighbors we have here in our small town...right?
*end sarcasm*
Jesus. No wonder I drink so much.....
One might ask, doesn't the poor thing have a deadbolt? Why YES, she does! But she still locks the door knob whenever she leaves. I, personally, have busted into her apartment no less than three times in the last two years for various reasons - thus proving her door knob lock is a JOKE. I mean, doesn't the woman watch 'The First 48'? There are crazy people out there. Like me!
And this is the same woman I entrust to get my son to and from school every day. Did I mention how two weeks ago her car broke down on the way to school and some strange dude pulled over and offered a ride to Mother and Mouth? And HOW SHE TOOK IT??? Good thing she had a cell phone on her to call any of the probably 20 relatives or neighbors we have here in our small town...right?
*end sarcasm*
Jesus. No wonder I drink so much.....
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Ancient Chinese Secret
This is how my coworker eats her french fries.
She's from China and is very dainty. She unabashedly wears fur and confidently wears black pants with brown foxhide boots. She snacks on bamboo and brings her own lunch - which usually looks (and smells) like dead worms or shriveled up testicles. Her fave drink is whiskey and green tea...go figure.
We have to explain words and phrases we say, like "get a backbone!" or "get rid of that guy - he's desperate and creepy!" or "don't be a tease!" I especially enjoyed hearing my coworkers explain the phrase "what a douchebag!" to her.
She's a very sweet, unassuming girl...so it was quite a surprise when we found out about her black market business where she employs people here in America to buy Apple products so she can sell them in China at a 300% profit. She told us she wants to shoot something - ANYTHING - because hunting is illegal in China. And she doesn't understand why we CAN'T JUST BRIBE the U.S. government to get our project filed with the SEC and be done with it!
She scares me a little.
I think she's a ninja.
And I want to be JUST like her when I grow up!
She's from China and is very dainty. She unabashedly wears fur and confidently wears black pants with brown foxhide boots. She snacks on bamboo and brings her own lunch - which usually looks (and smells) like dead worms or shriveled up testicles. Her fave drink is whiskey and green tea...go figure.
We have to explain words and phrases we say, like "get a backbone!" or "get rid of that guy - he's desperate and creepy!" or "don't be a tease!" I especially enjoyed hearing my coworkers explain the phrase "what a douchebag!" to her.
She's a very sweet, unassuming girl...so it was quite a surprise when we found out about her black market business where she employs people here in America to buy Apple products so she can sell them in China at a 300% profit. She told us she wants to shoot something - ANYTHING - because hunting is illegal in China. And she doesn't understand why we CAN'T JUST BRIBE the U.S. government to get our project filed with the SEC and be done with it!
She scares me a little.
I think she's a ninja.
And I want to be JUST like her when I grow up!
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Thursday, May 9, 2013
Note To Self
I probably should have Googled the difference between 'Ben Wa balls' and 'Baoding balls' before I scared the shit out of my coworker who just received a gift from our Chinese coworker....
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Friday, May 3, 2013
Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon
So we all know the game, yes? According to Wikipedia (i.e., Zee Bible) "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" is a parlor game based on the "six degrees of separation" concept, which posits that any two people on Earth are, on average, about six acquaintance links apart. That idea eventually morphed into this parlor game, wherein movie buffs challenge each other to find the shortest path between an arbitrary actor and venerated Hollywood character actor Kevin Bacon."
Ever since Facebook came along, I am FASCINATED by how many of my friends know each other. Seriously, I have a college friend from Florida who knows a chick I knew at an Illinois summer camp. It boggles my mind!
I have a few 'Kevin Bacon' people. Shocking, I know, as I live in the Midwest and nothing awesome happens here so I must preface this post by saying I have family in Southern California so they are mostly my 'Kevin Bacon' links.
Okay here we go:
Michael Jackson- My uncle is a composer and wrote songs for the Jackson 5.
Edith Head- I know, she's dead. But my aunt was her main model. Think Cindy Crawford of the 1960s.
Mark McGrath- My cousin is friends with him (and I could probably claim about 200 'Kevin Bacon's on this kid because he was a KIIS-FM DJ in LA and hosted a show on VH-1...so yeah.)
Jenny McCarthy- She's from Chicago so we're no more than 3 degrees apart.
Melissa McCarthy- She's Jenny's cousin - again, 3 degrees at most.
Fabio from Top Chef- My former coworker just met him at a book signing. That's 2 degrees.
Donnie Wahlberg- A chick from my high school supposedly slept with him. Totally 2 degrees.
(Did I mention I was from the Midwest? Things are slow here...)
What about you all? I know we got some inneresting Kevin Bacon Degrees out there. If anyone has actually MET Kevin Bacon, I'll give a prize!!! (But don't be too excited...it'll probably be cheap liquor. Or a signed photo of yours truly. I'd personally opt for the liquor. But you get bragging rights in the comments section!!!)
Lemme hear it...who ya know???
Ever since Facebook came along, I am FASCINATED by how many of my friends know each other. Seriously, I have a college friend from Florida who knows a chick I knew at an Illinois summer camp. It boggles my mind!
I have a few 'Kevin Bacon' people. Shocking, I know, as I live in the Midwest and nothing awesome happens here so I must preface this post by saying I have family in Southern California so they are mostly my 'Kevin Bacon' links.
Okay here we go:
Michael Jackson- My uncle is a composer and wrote songs for the Jackson 5.
Edith Head- I know, she's dead. But my aunt was her main model. Think Cindy Crawford of the 1960s.
Mark McGrath- My cousin is friends with him (and I could probably claim about 200 'Kevin Bacon's on this kid because he was a KIIS-FM DJ in LA and hosted a show on VH-1...so yeah.)
Jenny McCarthy- She's from Chicago so we're no more than 3 degrees apart.
Melissa McCarthy- She's Jenny's cousin - again, 3 degrees at most.
Fabio from Top Chef- My former coworker just met him at a book signing. That's 2 degrees.
Donnie Wahlberg- A chick from my high school supposedly slept with him. Totally 2 degrees.
(Did I mention I was from the Midwest? Things are slow here...)
What about you all? I know we got some inneresting Kevin Bacon Degrees out there. If anyone has actually MET Kevin Bacon, I'll give a prize!!! (But don't be too excited...it'll probably be cheap liquor. Or a signed photo of yours truly. I'd personally opt for the liquor. But you get bragging rights in the comments section!!!)
Lemme hear it...who ya know???
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