Lawn Mowing: The Bain of My Existence

(I’d like to preface this by saying I have the most fabulous neighbors in the world. They help me with my house crises, lend me flour, and don’t call the cops when I’m beating my child.)

I’m a girl so my experience with lawn mowing is pretty minimal. My dad always hired someone to mow his yard, and my mom was usually married so the stepfather-du-jour mowed our lawn. Or the stepfather-du-jour’s son mowed it. Anyhoo, I never had to mow.

When I bought my house four years ago, I was excited –I could paint the walls fuschia, run naked through my new house, listen to my music as loud as I wanted…I loved my newfound property freedom. As my days of home ownership grew, so did the dandelions in my yard…so I carted my happy ass to Lowe’s (cause I had a Lowe’s credit card, natch) to buy a lawn mower. Now, my coworkers INSISTED I not fall prey to the dreaded push mower (“Regan, they are cheaper than self-propelled but JUST SAY NO!”) but they were a LOT cheaper than self-propelled and I thought, what a good workout! I’m buying a push mower!

Fast forward two years. I am the neighbor everyone hates to live next to. It’s not just that I didn’t mow regularly but I am seriously surrounded by Yard Freaks. That’s the best way to describe them. The guy on the right has a riding lawn mower and mows AT LEAST twice a week. The lady on the left will mow in the beginning of summer but then hires someone to mow. She then spends her time manicuring her yard to perfection (yes, she has the spiraled evergreens and everything. Beautiful yard tho!) The guy across the street grew up with the guy on the right and ALSO mows no less than twice a week. (I actually caught him last summer mowing 3 times in one week. Either he has a grass obsession or he’s using mowing to get away from his wife.) Obviously the three of them have “yard issues” but it was okay – the area around my house looked nice, and I kept up with appearances for the most part (i.e., mowed before the city got involved…)

I was finally financially stable enough to hire someone to mow my yard (plus I was ready to throw that damn push mower into the river!) so I didn’t have to think about yard issues for a year and a half. Then I got laid off, and I thought, “Paying someone to mow my lawn is a waste of money when I have a perfectly good mower in my back building!” (I know…famous last words.)
So this year I got my mower tuned up and ready for summer. Granted, I’m not in as good as shape as I was when I bought this place but I thought, “It’s good exercise!!!” Yay!

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph I hate mowing. The push mower kicks my ass. I don’t have a huge yard but it’s not small. But I did it dammit, and I’m very proud to say my yard has looked good so far this summer (yes, I realize we’re not through May yet but still…little victories!)

But this isn’t the end of this story, no sirree! My latest obsession started a week or so ago when a neighbor of mine made a comment about my yard. I took complete offense because I’ve been working hard on it. I then started to notice I was “off” on the neighborhood mowing schedule: They would all mow on the same day (varied throughout the week) which would make my lawn look like sh*t cause I had mowed on the off day. And as soon as I mowed and my yard looked better than everyone else’s, they would ALL MOW AGAIN. Dammit, I wanted my lawn to shine for once!

So last week, all of our lawns looked good – all mowed within the last three days or so – and it was a beautiful day…breezy and perfect for mowing. I’m home during the day so I thought, “Alright beotches – I’m gonna mow! My yard is FINALLY going to be the best in the hood!” I was almost done when I heard the familiar sound of a mower start. Sh*t!!! It was the neighbor to the right. He heard me mowing and came out to mow. I chased him down (seriously!) and was like, “YO! You can’t mow! Your yard doesn’t need it and this was MY IDEA!!!” He starts laughing as the roar of another mower starts up. Son of a bitch! It’s the guy across the street! Don’t these men have jobs????

At least we made the girl next door look bad cause she was gone all day. (Tho when she returned around 6 p.m. guess what she did?) So once again, all of our yards are freshly mowed. Tonight, I’m sitting here thinking, “OK, I got at least another day or so until I have to mow again.” And then….it happens.

ROOOOAAAARRRRRR!

The girl next door has fired up her Toro and is going at it again. What's she thinking??? Now my yard once again looks like white-trash-knee-high-grass-half-covering-cars-up-on-cinder-blocks! DAMMIT!

Jesus, I need a hobby.

Pengie's Birthday Party

So my son announced to me last night, "Tomorrow is Pengie's birthday!" (Pengie is his stuffed penguin.) He said Pengie was turning 5 and that was the end of the conversation.

I was at the grocery store today and was walking by the bakery when I saw a little cake for $2.50. IDEA! This would be a PERFECT chance for me to make it up to him for not letting him watch The Terminator last night!

I then had to run to Wal-Mart and saw an iCarly CD/DVD set...PERFECT!!! Dude, this will make up for everything I've ever done wrong as a mother!!!! When I picked him up from school I told him I had a surprise for Pengie. I told him to get Pengie and get him occupied on the couch. I stuck a candle in the cake, lit it and sang Happy Birthday. Zane was so shocked - he helped Pengie blow out the candle. I handed him the wrapped gift for Pengie - which he helped Pengie open, natch - and his jaw dropped. (Patting myself on back....)

Zane grabbed all his other stuffed toys and brought them all out to the living room to eat cake and watch the iCarly DVD on my laptop. Aren't they sweet??? (Birthday penguin to the left of Zane.)

Heaven only knows how much therapy this kid will need to overcome his childhood so hopefully this will help. Then again, the kid and I will be together this summer. Day in. Day out.

I'm probably going to have to buy him a new car to make up for whatever devious deeds I'll do as a mother this summer....

Mom Confessions

1. As I’ve admitted to before, I sometimes let my son cuss at home because my mom never let me say cuss words when I was young. Or when I was in high school.

2. If we have nowhere to go on a Saturday or Sunday, my child will spend the day in his pjs. If we do have to run somewhere, he will throw a hoodie over his Spongebob pjs and go as is.

3. Since being laid off, I count the minutes until my son leaves for school so I can go back to bed.

4. My son stays up past his bedtime way too often.

5. Zane has pancakes for breakfast. Every morning. Has for the last 3 years.

6. I throw away toys because it’s just easier than garage sale-ing/donating…especially those POS McDonald’s toys.

7. I encourage Zane to eat hot lunch so I don’t have to pack anything.

8. I threaten my son with taking away his toys if he tells my mom I let him cuss.

9. I persuade my mom to chaperone on field trips because I can’t stand the thought of being stuck on a school bus with 20 unruly children for an hour.

10. Both of our beds have a fitted sheet and a comforter. That’s all. And beds are rarely made.

11. I throw away some of my son’s schoolwork (mostly stuff he hasn’t written on much.) He thinks I’m keeping everything.

12. I forbid my son to speak to me during any evening reality shows (e.g., Real Housewives, Rock of Love, Bachelor/Bachelorette, etc.)

13. I bribe my child with money and toys.

14. I purposefully stopped feeding my son’s goldfish because I hated cleaning the fishbowl.

15. I usually take my son’s gift cards and buy stuff for me/him/our house/my sister’s bday.

16. We never eat dinner at the dining room table.

17. I don’t answer the phone when my son’s friend Christian calls. He has long hair and bad taste in music and I don’t like him.

18. Although I know my son should brush his teeth before bed, I usually tell him to swish with ACT and call it a night.

19. The Indian dude who owns the local liquor store gave my son a birthday present this year. We also trick-or-treat him.

20. Regardless of how hungry my son is, I tell him our kitchen closes at 8 pm – mostly because I’d rather watch TV than cook at that point. He’s welcome to get his own snack from the food rack.

I’m def not the best mom but I think he’s happier than I was at his age!

Anyone else?

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