Just got back from the grocery store. Gone are the days when I could get $90 in groceries for $7. Now I pay $90.
DAMN YOU, GAINFUL EMPLOYMENT!!!!
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
What A Bitch. I'm So Proud Of Her!!!
Back when Mouth was a baby, I lived in my current Armpit hometown while I finished my bachelor's degree. In fact, I lived with Mother in the same shitty apartment I now reside in.
That last sentence will keep me in therapy for two years MINIMUM.
Anyhoo, back when I lived with Mother there was an apartment building next door owned by an older couple whose son managed the apartments. Their son, Derwin, was probably 20 years older than me and had a monster crush on me. Bless his heart...I'm all into sugar daddies but this guy was CREEPY.
Fast forward 10 years, his parents have passed so he now owns the building next door (and the other buildings his parents owned.) When I moved back here nearly two years ago, Mother mentioned, "You know, Derwin owns the apartment building next door. AND he's still single! Are you sure you aren't interested???"
Well, let's see...no job, lost my house, have no life, um...nope. Still not interested in Derwin!
Fast forward two years. I've been recently reminiscing about the food stamps and state health insurance I received until I found my recent nice paying job...especially now that I have to pay for all that stuff myself again. Bummer.
Texting Mother tonight:
Me: "I'm sick of working. I need a sugar daddy. I'm happy with getting state food and medical aid while unemployed but I need someone to make my Jeep payment. Is Derwin still available?"
Mother: "Holy crap are you goofy? Derwin??? Actually yes he is available and still in love with you!"
Me: "haha no he's not! What do you think his income is? Think he'd be okay with me being a stay at home mom with a kid and a dog?"
Mother: "He is pretty rich. He wouldn't want you to work because someone might steal you away."
Me: "Sweet! I can handle that!"
Mother: "But you better buy a lot of paper bags. One for him and one for you in case his falls off."
Me: ".....Wth? Are you calling me ugly? Did you just actually say he would need a bag for me too????"
Mother: "Well...you aren't 25 anymore."
Me: "WHAT THE F*CKETY F*CK???"
Mother: "I'm kidding! I mean in case his falls off then you can't see him because you have yours on. Okay?"
Um...WHAT A BITCH!!! She just totally called me ugly! But then again, I couldn't be more proud because I'm still laughing my ass off at her audacity. I mean, we're talking about The Church Lady, people!
So proud.
*wiping tears*
But what a bitch!
That last sentence will keep me in therapy for two years MINIMUM.
Anyhoo, back when I lived with Mother there was an apartment building next door owned by an older couple whose son managed the apartments. Their son, Derwin, was probably 20 years older than me and had a monster crush on me. Bless his heart...I'm all into sugar daddies but this guy was CREEPY.
Fast forward 10 years, his parents have passed so he now owns the building next door (and the other buildings his parents owned.) When I moved back here nearly two years ago, Mother mentioned, "You know, Derwin owns the apartment building next door. AND he's still single! Are you sure you aren't interested???"
Well, let's see...no job, lost my house, have no life, um...nope. Still not interested in Derwin!
Fast forward two years. I've been recently reminiscing about the food stamps and state health insurance I received until I found my recent nice paying job...especially now that I have to pay for all that stuff myself again. Bummer.
Texting Mother tonight:
Me: "I'm sick of working. I need a sugar daddy. I'm happy with getting state food and medical aid while unemployed but I need someone to make my Jeep payment. Is Derwin still available?"
Mother: "Holy crap are you goofy? Derwin??? Actually yes he is available and still in love with you!"
Me: "haha no he's not! What do you think his income is? Think he'd be okay with me being a stay at home mom with a kid and a dog?"
Mother: "He is pretty rich. He wouldn't want you to work because someone might steal you away."
Me: "Sweet! I can handle that!"
Mother: "But you better buy a lot of paper bags. One for him and one for you in case his falls off."
Me: ".....Wth? Are you calling me ugly? Did you just actually say he would need a bag for me too????"
Mother: "Well...you aren't 25 anymore."
Me: "WHAT THE F*CKETY F*CK???"
Mother: "I'm kidding! I mean in case his falls off then you can't see him because you have yours on. Okay?"
Um...WHAT A BITCH!!! She just totally called me ugly! But then again, I couldn't be more proud because I'm still laughing my ass off at her audacity. I mean, we're talking about The Church Lady, people!
So proud.
*wiping tears*
But what a bitch!
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Thursday, February 7, 2013
Closer to Normal
I love expensive stuff.
Back when I worked for the Yellow Beast (i.e., the Corporate Devil) I had a very well-paying job. But I hated it with all my heart so I self-medicated.
With expensive goodies.
Purses, shoes, makeup, jewelry - I treated myself to pricey goodies on a regular basis.
When I lost my job, I had to lose the expensive taste as well. Out went the purses and shoes, the Tiffany credit card was cut in half, and I began buying "economical" beauty products. However, I found that more often than not "economical" was poorspeak for "shitty".
I'm sure some of you will say, "Nay, nay! Oil of Olay is economical AND wonderful!" I agree. I actually used Oil of Olay when I went poor. It did just fine. But Clarins IT IS NOT.
Now that I'm back in the belly of the beast, and therefore having actual REAL money in my checking account, I've been slowly restocking my beauty products to their original labels (my hair already sent me a Christmas card thanking me profusely for getting rid of the Pantene and buying the pricey glossing stuff I used to own.)
Today was time for me to restock my face care system. Buh bye Miss Olay! I used to switch off between Erno Laszlo and Clarins but my skin has changed a bit in the last few years and Erno is a little heavy so I decided to go with Clarins. I trotted my happy little dehydrated face to the Clarins counter and waited. And waited. But alas no Clarins chick.
"Hello? Bonjour???" (Btw, the first language of Clarins products is French. What??? I told you I liked pricey!)
No answer. Then I heard someone say, "Y'all need some help over there?" It was the Clinique girl. I told her I was interested in browsing the Clarins line and she said, "Oh honey, I don't think Fifi comes in tonight." (And no, I don't think her actual name was Fifi. However it was my first hint that I was gonna love this lady!)
Fifi never showed up so Christy the Clinique lady helped me as best she could in selecting the appropriate products for my skin. We actually had a blast trying to Google translate and decode the labels. And, bless her heart, she tried awfully hard to sell me on Clinique's 3-step system...whatever that is.
I felt bad so I finally had to lay it on the line for her. I said, "Christy, I know Clinique is a good product. Heck, I used it all through high school. But I'm gonna be honest with you. I personally believe Clarins is made from unicorn tears and leprechaun piss because when you put it on your face you just want to CRY it feels so good!!!"
That's when Christy knew she was dealing with a nutjob. But I got my Clarins!
What's next? Oh! I need my Tiffany credit card back!!! Well, maybe not. I did learn some lessons whilst broke as a hooker on Sunday.
Besides, I can always pull the pieces of my old Tiffany card out of its baggy and reminisce.
*sniff* I'm starting to feel sad. I'm gonna go wash my face. Again.
Back when I worked for the Yellow Beast (i.e., the Corporate Devil) I had a very well-paying job. But I hated it with all my heart so I self-medicated.
With expensive goodies.
Purses, shoes, makeup, jewelry - I treated myself to pricey goodies on a regular basis.
When I lost my job, I had to lose the expensive taste as well. Out went the purses and shoes, the Tiffany credit card was cut in half, and I began buying "economical" beauty products. However, I found that more often than not "economical" was poorspeak for "shitty".
I'm sure some of you will say, "Nay, nay! Oil of Olay is economical AND wonderful!" I agree. I actually used Oil of Olay when I went poor. It did just fine. But Clarins IT IS NOT.
Now that I'm back in the belly of the beast, and therefore having actual REAL money in my checking account, I've been slowly restocking my beauty products to their original labels (my hair already sent me a Christmas card thanking me profusely for getting rid of the Pantene and buying the pricey glossing stuff I used to own.)
Today was time for me to restock my face care system. Buh bye Miss Olay! I used to switch off between Erno Laszlo and Clarins but my skin has changed a bit in the last few years and Erno is a little heavy so I decided to go with Clarins. I trotted my happy little dehydrated face to the Clarins counter and waited. And waited. But alas no Clarins chick.
"Hello? Bonjour???" (Btw, the first language of Clarins products is French. What??? I told you I liked pricey!)
No answer. Then I heard someone say, "Y'all need some help over there?" It was the Clinique girl. I told her I was interested in browsing the Clarins line and she said, "Oh honey, I don't think Fifi comes in tonight." (And no, I don't think her actual name was Fifi. However it was my first hint that I was gonna love this lady!)
Fifi never showed up so Christy the Clinique lady helped me as best she could in selecting the appropriate products for my skin. We actually had a blast trying to Google translate and decode the labels. And, bless her heart, she tried awfully hard to sell me on Clinique's 3-step system...whatever that is.
I felt bad so I finally had to lay it on the line for her. I said, "Christy, I know Clinique is a good product. Heck, I used it all through high school. But I'm gonna be honest with you. I personally believe Clarins is made from unicorn tears and leprechaun piss because when you put it on your face you just want to CRY it feels so good!!!"
That's when Christy knew she was dealing with a nutjob. But I got my Clarins!
What's next? Oh! I need my Tiffany credit card back!!! Well, maybe not. I did learn some lessons whilst broke as a hooker on Sunday.
Besides, I can always pull the pieces of my old Tiffany card out of its baggy and reminisce.
*sniff* I'm starting to feel sad. I'm gonna go wash my face. Again.
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Monday, February 4, 2013
Public Service Announcement
Guys. You know that new style of jeans you wear? The dark denim with the white stitching on the back pockets and all along the seams...including the zipper area on your crotch?
PUT THEM BACK IN YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S CLOSET BECAUSE YOU LOOK STUPID.
Also because no matter what you wear with them or what you're holding (for instance, you could be holding two automatic rifles) you will look like a pansy-ass-my-balls-are-in-my-pocketbook DOUCHE CANOE.
Just sayin'.
PUT THEM BACK IN YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S CLOSET BECAUSE YOU LOOK STUPID.
Also because no matter what you wear with them or what you're holding (for instance, you could be holding two automatic rifles) you will look like a pansy-ass-my-balls-are-in-my-pocketbook DOUCHE CANOE.
Just sayin'.
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