Amen

I want to thank everyone for the prayers and good vibes the last few weeks. I had my xray yesterday and the mass in my lung has dimmed and the lymph nodes have reduced - which means it is likely an "atypical pneumonia". I will get another CT-scan in three months to be sure my lung is cleared. So thankful and very appreciative for my much needed wake up call in life.

Next order of business: Finding the local radiologist who said no way was it pneumonia, that it was definitely a tumor-like mass. Give him a handshake for helping kick my life back into action. Then burn his house down for making me think my mother was going to be raising my son. Dickhead.

Treat Me Like A Child And Watch What Happens

So you know when your mother treats you like a child but you put up with it because you don't feel good and could really use her help? And it's sorta nice again, having someone take care of you. Dinner appears, dishes disappear, your child is magically bathed. But then a fine line starts to get crossed, and she isn't helping anymore - she's starting to control things.

And then the nagging starts.

"Are you drinking enough water? Beth at work says you have to drink a lot of water with that medicine. Wasn't the doctor's office supposed to call today? Did they? They didn't??? Should you call them? Wait, weren't YOU supposed to call THEM?" Three solid days of non-stop, all-day nagging.

And then I hit my limit.

And my limit isn't pretty.

You know when you tell someone they need to just leave right now, right now before things turn ugly and you can't take back what comes out of your mouth? But that person DOESN'T LEAVE. In fact, they start running their mouth about all they have done for you and how horrible you are treating them right now! And they keep yelling about what they've done for you the last two weeks! And you yell back how appreciative you are but there is a limit to how much NAGGING you can take! AND THEY STILL DON'T LEAVE!!!

And so I break. I turn into the 14-year-old I've been treated as and look for something to...to...throw. And before I know it, my mother is dodging television remotes left and right as she's jumping out my door. My child is sitting at the table watching this exchange, mouth hanging open, shockingly, amazingly, speechless.

I'm not proud of it. But it got her out.

If this lung thing turns into something "bad", I'm going to need better coping devices. I have a feeling there isn't enough chardonnay in the world to deal with Nurse Mother.

And This Is When Life Tells You To Sit Down And Shut Up

This could be nothing, or this could be everything.

I climbed life's ladder like one is supposed to: go to college, become an adult, have a child, get The Perfect Job, move up in The Perfect Job, buy a house, raise your child "right" - until the bottom dropped out from under me. Three years ago I was laid off from The Perfect Job and I just haven't been able to recover. I haven't been able to find full-time work, and I haven't been able to get back to the confident self-sufficient me who graduated college with a toddler and was ready to take on the world. I spent all my savings trying to save my house - the only house my son ever knew - all for naught. Just over a year ago, I had to declare bankruptcy and I lost the house. With no money left, I moved to Arm Pit, the town where my mother grew up - and where I hated to visit every Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas because it meant spendin' time with the crazies. But it's also where my mother owns an apartment building and offered me a place to stay. She lives four doors down from me. I get free rent but I pay the price, capiche?

I have been an insufferable asshole for the last year. I'm miserable so I'm making everyone around me miserable. I lose my temper more than I should, and I've cussed at my child and my mother. I've been horrible.

Two years ago a childhood friend of mine was diagnosed with melanoma. She has two children - babies who are now 4 and 7. She is literally fighting for her life with stage 4 metastatic melanoma. That really put my current situation in perspective. I was so grateful for what I had - even if my mother still treated me like I was sixteen years old. But then I slipped again. Feeling sorry for myself, for not being able to find full-time work, for having to beg my mom for money.

A few days ago I woke up with upper chest and back pain. I slept wrong. The next day my chest and back pain was better but I was dragging all day, and tonight I couldn't seem to catch a good breath without coughing. I thought I was maybe anemic (thank you Google for that diagnosis) so I decided to buzz through our local ER just for a quick check.

Five hours later, I was discharged with instructions to immediately call my internist to set up an appointment because the CT scan showed a mass in my left lung.

"It could be a reading error but the surrounding lymph nodes are swollen as well so I think there's something there."

I've never smoked (outside of the handful of experimental cigarettes in college - I mean, who doesn't try it at least once???) I used to be uber-healthy but let my exercise regimen slide after I lost my job. But a mass - a tumor, the doctor even said - in ME?

I walked out of the ER at 2 a.m. all by myself. It was dark and deserted with not a car or person in sight. Not even a breeze to rustle any leaves. It was so still...and beautiful. And I started sobbing because all I could think was, I'm going to die in this town. I'm a single mom - God wouldn't do that to my son, would he? Zane is only twelve. Then again, I was twelve when my dad died of diabetes so yes, God would do that to my son.

The ER doc admitted the scans "weren't very good ones." That made me feel better.

Two radiologists reviewed the scans and concurred there was a mass. That made my heart race.

My internist thinks it's nothing to be worried about because of my age and non-smoking history. He put me on antibiotics to rule out any possible pneumonia, with another xray to follow in a few weeks to be sure. That gave me a ray of hope.

But then The Lung Institute called today and said they wanted me in their office in four days. That scared the shit out of me.

This could be nothing, or this could be everything. I'll keep you posted.

Things That Make You Go...WTF?

Mouth's orthodontist celebrates a child getting their braces removed by sending them out the door with two half-inflated balloons attached to a large bag FULL OF GUM AND CANDY.

Yes, a large bag FULL OF GUM AND CANDY.

I had to repeat that because I can hardly believe it myself.

I can understand her saying, "Congratulations for going three years without candy and gum because I'm a tooth nazi and I forbade you from those evils - as well as made your parents sign a waiver swearing to never buy you those prohibited goodies nor be witness to you consuming them. Here's a pack of gum and a Snickers bar. Brush after you eat them. Enjoy!"

But a big ol' bag of sugar??? That's like an oncologist celebrating a patient's last chemo session with a PACK OF CIGARETTES.

"Congrats on beating your lung cancer! Let's light up to celebrate!!!"

Am I missing something? Wait! Maybe the ortho has a little deal going with the dentist? The dentist initially refers his patient to the ortho, who fixes the crooked teeth. But the patient has had to take great care of his teeth during the years he had his braces on so there's very little chance of any cavities in the near future - so the ortho sends him off with a shit ton of sugar (which the patient inhales because it has been forbidden for three years.) The patient develops three cavities, must then visit his dentist, to whom the patient pays several hundreds dollars - and then the dentist gives the ortho a cut for the whole cavity thing. Holy shit! I figured out their scam!!!

That's it. Mouth is going to dental school.

Well...Crap

Just got back from the grocery store only to be met with the staring glares of two hungry cats. And THAT'S when I remembered I needed to add 'cat food' to my grocery list.

FML.

Let's Do This

I'm sick of not getting any calls on my resume, let alone any interviews. So I've decided to go balls to the wall to get their attention.

I revised my resume to include a summary of ALL the shit jobs I have worked in my life as I feel they have given me a more rounded work education than one would receive in college and in cubicle life. Case in point: my time spent waitressing at an oyster-shucking bar in Florida. Hands down favorite, although the oysters grossed me out because they looked like little fetuses.

And yes, I did include "little fetuses" in my resume.