Live Texting a Spelling Bee

Mouth made it to his school spelling bee for the fourth time but he's always a bridesmaid, never a bride. The closest he's come to winning is top ten. I joked with him this morning saying it's no big deal if he doesn't win - because if he did, he would move on to the county bee at which point some Asian kid would kick his ass. He said, "But I wanna win...just once." Awwww!

I had to work so Mother said she would attend and keep me posted. The first year she attended in my stead I told her to call me and hold the phone up so I could hear Mouth spelling. Every round she kept saying she'd call me when they got to him the next round. But when she did call, it was right when he was spelling and she was apparently holding it UNDERWATER because I couldn't hear anything. This year I suggested she text me.

Me: "Have they started yet?"

Mother: "Whew he made it thru the first round. second kid missed it."

Me: "What??? What was the first round word? Ya gotta keep me updated!"

Mother: "6 kids out first round. he made thru 2nd."

Me: "Ma! What was the second word???"

Mother: "..."

Me: "How's he doing?"

Mother: "..."

Me: "Stop ignoring me! You're a terrible live texter!!!"

Mother: "He just made it thru 3rd round. obligerate wordliness and intelligence"

Me: "Wow. I don't even know what obligerate is?"

(Side note: A 7th grade spelling bee word that I've never even heard of before? This should have been my first clue something was off.)

Mother: "They are dropping like flies now. Words are really hard."

Me: "Oh boy..."

Mother: "9 kids left. Just spelled perfectonism correctly!"

Me: "Yay! He's so smart. Gets that from me. I'm part Asian you know. And it's perfectionism."

Mother: "haha sure you are. He made it on longtude. 6 left!"

Me: "Holy cow! And it's longitude."

Mother: "Stop correcting me. 5 left!"

Me: "Fingers crossed!"

Mother: "4! Made it with unforeeable."

Me: "unforeseeable"

Mother: "3 left. uh oh hard word"

Me: "???"

Mother: "Missed on taceturn. So did next kid."

Me: "So did you. It's TACITURN."

Mother: "Do you want me to stop texting you?"

Me: "No but come on...you have 12 year olds spelling these for you!"

Mother: "Darn. Some other kid won. He just has to beat the other kid and he gets runner up."

Me: "Come on Z!"

Mother: "He spelled geogolist right!"

Me: "GEOLOGIST"

Mother: "Spelled veribage right"

Me: "VERBIAGE???"

Mother: "Stop it!!!! Oh no...nomitive is next"

Me: "wth??? I just Googled that and it isn't even a word. You mean nominative?"

Mother: "Idk. He missed and got 3rd."

Me: "Awww. Still the highest he's placed yet. Tell him I'm so proud of him!"

Mother: "I will."

Me: "btw, I'm totally gonna blog about you misspelling all the words they were spelling."

Mother: "I was trying to liaten and text, you brat!"

Me: "LISTEN!!!"

Needless to say, Mother is refusing to ever live text a spelling bee again.

Texting.....

Me: "Hey Ma, Krogers is having a bunch of food samples today. They're everywhere! Just an fyi."

Mother: "I know. That's where Grandma and I ate lunch today!"

Lord, please let me be adopted...

*sigh*

Texting....

A text conversation between Mother and I. Mother took her aunt to the ER because her leg was swollen and red and getting nastier by the day. My four years spent in the ER through volunteering and part-time employment qualifies me as a medical expert. OR SO THINKS MY FAMILY.

* Side note: Cellulitis is a skin infection that can be pretty nasty if left untreated.
* Side note #2: This may only be funny to those who are medically trained.

Mother: I think they're going to admit her for cellulitis. Is the flesh-eating virus called merca?

Me: No, and it's called MRSA. Why? Did they ask if she had a history of it? They ask that of everyone in the ER. It's not a big deal. It's an antibiotic-resistant diarrhea thing.

Mother: Yikes!

Me: They just need to know b/c if she has diarrhea they have to scrub their hands after touching her. It's hard to get rid of b/c of the antibiotic resistance.

Mother: Ah, thanks.

Mother: I'm not going to touch her anymore. Period.

Me: Oh geez. She doesn't have MRSA!!! She would have had diarrhea for like 3 months and be almost DEAD. Calm down.

Mother: .......

Me: They ask everyone who comes into the ER if they've ever been diagnosed with MRSA or C-Diff. It's standard.

Mother: Oh. Okay.

Me: Wait. C-Diff is the diarrhea thing. MRSA is the infected wound thing. GO WASH YOUR HANDS!!!

Mother: What??????

Me: This is what you get for asking me medical questions when I'm drunk on a Saturday night! AND because I'm not a nurse! You'd be better off Googling it.

Mother: You're officially out of the will. And if I die from MRSA, I'm leaving EVERYTHING to your sister.

Are You Drunk Or Just Stupid?

The good news is I taught Mother how to text, which has ended her incessant calls to me every time a thought popped into her head.

The bad news? When Mother texts her sister, her mother, her best friend or her neighbor, she instead texts me. I receive texts daily that make absolutely no sense whatsoever. Which is only mildly annoying until one starts, "Don't say anything to Regan, but...."

Texting

Mother: "Remember that souvenir bottle of Fountain of Youth H2O we brought Grandma from FL?"

Me: "Yeah."

Mother: "I'm sitting in her office looking at it. It's half gone."

Me: "You're not s'pose to drink it. It says right on the bottle."

Mother: "I know that."

Me: "Looks like she wants to stick around a little longer."

Mother: "Great. I can't handle her crazy for another 10 years."

Mother: "Crap."

Me: "What?"

Mother: "I just super glued my finger to my soda can."

Me: "Nice. Don't you go drinking from that bottle, k?"

Texting

Sarah: "FWD: 2 inmates escaped from Peoria County jail this morning. All women b cautious 1 is a serial rapist! Please fwd to all women."

Me: "Are they cute? Cause we're both single and ready to mingle."

Sarah: "lmao, idk, maybe we could double with them."

Me: "Sweet but I get the serial rapist."

Sarah: "hahahahaha"

I miss my Sarah. She's the only one who would actually double with two escaped convicts just so I could get a date. Love you chicka.