Reality Check

Mother and I just got into a heated argument because she locks her front door WITH THE DOOR KNOB LOCK THINGY. Dude. It's 2013. Why do they even still HAVE door lock thingies on door knobs???

One might ask, doesn't the poor thing have a deadbolt? Why YES, she does! But she still locks the door knob whenever she leaves. I, personally, have busted into her apartment no less than three times in the last two years for various reasons - thus proving her door knob lock is a JOKE. I mean, doesn't the woman watch 'The First 48'? There are crazy people out there. Like me!

And this is the same woman I entrust to get my son to and from school every day. Did I mention how two weeks ago her car broke down on the way to school and some strange dude pulled over and offered a ride to Mother and Mouth? And HOW SHE TOOK IT??? Good thing she had a cell phone on her to call any of the probably 20 relatives or neighbors we have here in our small town...right?

*end sarcasm*

Jesus. No wonder I drink so much.....

Ancient Chinese Secret

This is how my coworker eats her french fries.

She's from China and is very dainty. She unabashedly wears fur and confidently wears black pants with brown foxhide boots. She snacks on bamboo and brings her own lunch - which usually looks (and smells) like dead worms or shriveled up testicles. Her fave drink is whiskey and green tea...go figure.

We have to explain words and phrases we say, like "get a backbone!" or "get rid of that guy - he's desperate and creepy!" or "don't be a tease!" I especially enjoyed hearing my coworkers explain the phrase "what a douchebag!" to her.

She's a very sweet, unassuming girl...so it was quite a surprise when we found out about her black market business where she employs people here in America to buy Apple products so she can sell them in China at a 300% profit. She told us she wants to shoot something - ANYTHING -  because hunting is illegal in China. And she doesn't understand why we CAN'T JUST BRIBE the U.S. government to get our project filed with the SEC and be done with it!

She scares me a little.

I think she's a ninja.

And I want to be JUST like her when I grow up!

Note To Self

I probably should have Googled the difference between 'Ben Wa balls' and 'Baoding balls' before I scared the shit out of my coworker who just received a gift from our Chinese coworker....

Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon

So we all know the game, yes? According to Wikipedia (i.e., Zee Bible) "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" is a parlor game based on the "six degrees of separation" concept, which posits that any two people on Earth are, on average, about six acquaintance links apart. That idea eventually morphed into this parlor game, wherein movie buffs challenge each other to find the shortest path between an arbitrary actor and venerated Hollywood character actor Kevin Bacon."

Ever since Facebook came along, I am FASCINATED by how many of my friends know each other. Seriously, I have a college friend from Florida who knows a chick I knew at an Illinois summer camp. It boggles my mind!

I have a few 'Kevin Bacon' people. Shocking, I know, as I live in the Midwest and nothing awesome happens here so I must preface this post by saying I have family in Southern California so they are mostly my 'Kevin Bacon' links.

Okay here we go:

Michael Jackson- My uncle is a composer and wrote songs for the Jackson 5.

Edith Head- I know, she's dead. But my aunt was her main model. Think Cindy Crawford of the 1960s.

Mark McGrath- My cousin is friends with him (and I could probably claim about 200 'Kevin Bacon's on this kid because he was a KIIS-FM DJ in LA and hosted a show on VH-1...so yeah.)

Jenny McCarthy- She's from Chicago so we're no more than 3 degrees apart.

Melissa McCarthy- She's Jenny's cousin - again, 3 degrees at most.

Fabio from Top Chef- My former coworker just met him at a book signing. That's 2 degrees.

Donnie Wahlberg- A chick from my high school supposedly slept with him. Totally 2 degrees.

(Did I mention I was from the Midwest? Things are slow here...)

What about you all? I know we got some inneresting Kevin Bacon Degrees out there. If anyone has actually MET Kevin Bacon, I'll give a prize!!! (But don't be too excited...it'll probably be cheap liquor. Or a signed photo of yours truly. I'd personally opt for the liquor. But you get bragging rights in the comments section!!!)

Lemme hear it...who ya know???

Neighborly Love

Hey, lady in the apartment two doors down from me...

Throwing food over your little back fence and into our neighbor's yard is tacky. So what if you're feeding rabbits or wildlife or whatever the hell lives in Betty's yard, Betty has to look out every night after dinner and see food thrown in her yard. You have a garbage can as well as a nasty boyfriend who looks like he would eat raw sewage if given the chance.

Rude, rude, tacky.

Btw, when I take my dog out back he licks clean your spatula that's hanging off your grill.

And I let him.

Welcome to the neighborhood.

Professional Tip #542

If you're emailing someone you don't personally know, and you can't tell from their name if they are male or female - DON'T PUT MR. BEFORE THE LAST NAME.

And it's ALWAYS a man who does it. Ignorant douchebags.

*Is it obvious I've received more than one "Dear Mr. Rags" emails this week? Didn't think so...

I Hate It When...

I'm digging through my coin purse for soda money, and I only have like one quarter so then I move on to dimes. I find five dimes so then I move on to nickels...and I'm mentally counting the change until I hit $1.35...and then I find a quarter and HAVE TO START MY COUNTING ALL OVER AGAIN.

I know, I know. First-world problems.