Rags Does Beauty

We girls are always told to "wash your face at night for a beautiful complexion!" I am NOT a good nighttime face washer. Either I'm too tired...or I'm too drunk...or yeah, I'm just lazy. But holy cow I've found a miracle. One word:

BIODERMA.

I heard some good things about it so ordered a bottle off Amazon. It's French (natch) and has the consistency of water. It takes everything off (including eye makeup) with one cotton ball. Totally fast, easy to do while hammered, and Mama's complexion is gonna SPARKLE!!!! 

*This status is not sponsored by Bioderma but I would totally talk about it more if Bioderma did sponsor me. I could even break out some of my high school French. But then all I could do is say my name and ask if you'd like to have sex...*

Thinking That.....

I should have waited to do my Yoko Ono impression until I knew no coworkers were behind me.

Lesson learned.

I Should Have Named My Dog "Treat"

I love my puppy so much but the dumb dog doesn't even know his own name. Well, I think he does - he just doesn't come when called. However, he does know three words:

Eat
Treat
Dog park

(Yeah, yeah...I know dog park is two words but to Ted, it's one word.)

Ted and I were chillaxing on the couch when I realized it was time for him to eat. You'll see on the video he doesn't respond when I say his name but EAT gets his furry little butt off the couch.

Notice the tongue smack that goes on as he's trying to hoist himself over my legs.

Five More Weeks

I've been a pretty busy gal recently. I'm still working fulltime as a corporate cubicle ass kisser but have veered off in an inneresting new direction. In the last five weeks I've:

• Refreshed my CPR training (i.e., killed my knees on concrete blowing dummies)
• Gave an injection to the very brave guy who has sat next to me for the last five weeks
• Studied my ass off while running back and forth between work and class
• Learned that you CANNOT raise your blood sugar level by sticking a bottle of Honey Bear honey up your bum

For those of you who said "Rags is in nursing school"....SURPRISE!!!!! You're wrong. Turns out if you already have a bachelor's degree (me) and have enough student loans to purchase a small house (me) no one will loan you money for nursing school (me). So I went a different route - I'm in a 10-week crash-course EMT-Basic class.

Yep.

I'm at the halfway point this week. In five more weeks, I can go out there in the world and BE A HERO (or as my instructor says, "...being a hero means having a crackwhore spit in your mouth.")

I have no clue what I'm gonna do when I finish this course. I honestly can't see my ass hopping in and out of ambulances and hoisting heifers down six flights of stairs (though I think I might enjoy dodging the spittle of a crackwhore.) There are other opportunities for EMTs out there. I hope.

But the biggest downfall - and what keeps me up at night moaning, "What was I thinking???" - is the pay. The person who responds to your 911 call to help save your life makes on average $12 an hour. Let's just say I make a BUNCH more than that being a corporate cubicle ass kisser. But money can't buy happiness....

Psht. THE HELL IT CAN'T!!!! But although my soul loves its high-speed internet, it needs some much needed attention right now. And I think this is my right path for right now.

I'll be sure to revisit this post the first time someone thanks me for helping them by saying, "F*ck you!!!" and then puking on me.

Can't wait!

F*ck Chrysler

It's been a little silent here at Riches to Rags because I've been working AND going to school (more on that this weekend!) However, I wanted to take a moment and get my soapbox back out with the hope of bringing Chrysler to its knees.

Yeah, I know my readership isn't large enough to do that...but one can always hope, right? Maybe the CEO reads my blog! Or his wife! Or HIS MOM. (He's been a baaaaad boy, Mrs. CEO's mom. Lemme tell you all about it...

In the words of several mechanics I've recently had the immense pleasure to meet, EVERY CHRYSLER (including JEEPS) will at some point in its life have its evaporator core crack (a cracked evaporator core means no A/C. I realize A/C is a luxury but try getting through a humid Illinois summer without A/C. Once the thermometer hits 90 degrees, I get STABBY.) Anyhoo, it costs between $1100-$1300 in my area (central IL) to fix it. I repeat- EVERY CHRYSLER (including JEEPS) will have this issue. Why? Why does this keep happening to poor Jeeps across the nation? The world???

Chrysler knows about this issue but keeps putting a cheap, shoddy part into their cars to save money. I've had two Jeeps now- I always thought I would be a Jeep-for-life kind of girl. But I will never buy another one again- not only because they willingly put a cheap, shoddy part into their cars but because when I sent a nicely worded email explaining my story and how their shortcut can affect a single mom with not a lot of extra cash (hoping humanizing the issue would help create change) I was completely blown off with a "Your car isn't under warranty anymore. Have a good day."

Thanks a bunch to you, "Christopher, your customer service representative."

So if you own a Chrysler get ready for this charge because it WILL happen to your car sooner or later (most likely later, after the warranty runs out.) Now, with my savings gone and no money to take my kiddo on a little vacay we had planned before school starts (first time getting away in four very rough years) I will step off my soapbox. I just wanted to warn everyone I can about this well-known flaw I knew nothing about.

And I hope "Christopher, your customer service representative" gets horrible, flaming hemorrhoids. Douchebag.