Hmmmm.....

The Kid: "What's a navel?"

Me: "It's your belly button."

The Kid: "Ah. What's tequila?"

Me: ?????? "It's a liquor. Pretty harsh stuff. Sometimes they call it 'to-kill-ya'. Almost killed me in college..."

The Kid: "Ah."

Me: "Why the questions?"

The Kid: "Well, I was just wondering what they meant by 'pour tequila in my navel and lie to me.'"

That's it. I'm cancelling our internet service TODAY.

Hallelujah

I recently discovered The Kid can't say the word "hallelujah", as evidenced below:

I know, I know...I probably shouldn't be laughing but it's JUST TOO DAMN FUNNY. On a different note, this "Hallelujah" is hauntingly beautiful. RIP Jeff Buckley.

My Work Here Is Done

"Mom, you are SO inappropriate. And I LOVE IT!!!"

Stress Sucks, Meds Rock

I've had a LOT of stress recently (mostly due to the whole unemployed-so-now-forced-to-drink-Keystone-Light-situation but now exacerbated by the whole I'm-not-paying-my-credit-cards-so-I-can-pay-my-mortgage situation) so a doctor* suggested I take something to "just take the edge off."

*It doesn't matter what kind of doctor he is...but he is a board-certified doctor who has stuff to "just take the edge off."

I was given a little white pill. It was so tiny that I wondered how it could make me feel better! Turns out it was called Ativan. Yeah.

YEAH.

I'm not a pill popper and had vaguely heard of Ativan but still wasn't too sure what it was. But MAN I needed some relief so I was game.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph. There was a raucous party at my house that night! And by raucous party, I mean I was HIGH for 6 1/2 hours. CRAZY, PARTY OF ONE!!!!! Then I crashed. For fifteen hours.

But when I woke up...it was beautiful. The birds were singing, a soft breeze was blowing through my window, the forest animals were making cute little forest animal sounds that were carried on that soft breeze blowing through my window...it was bloody wonderful! I felt like GODDAMN SLEEPING BEAUTY! I WAS FRIKKIN' REFRESHED!

Lessons learned:

1. Little innocuous white pills can very well be seeds of the devil.
2. Especially little innocuous white pills given to you by someone who refers to himself as "Dr. Dude".
3. I should probably rely on something more long term to regulate my stress.
4. Trying to climb an entertainment center to kill a water bug while high on Ativan will leave ugly bruises and break three shelves.

Better than a Porn Star

Me: "So...what do you want to be when you grow up?"

The Kid: "Hmmmmm. I would have to say.....a foxy sniper."

Me: "..........oh."

The Kid: "I'm serious."

Me: "I can see that. Well, I support you in that endeavor."

The Kid: "Thanks."

Me: "No problem."

Foto Friday

So technically it's Saturday...but this is what you get with an unemployed slacker.

Mother gave me a break tonight and took The Kid to the Tremont Turkey Festival. (See, around here we have festivals for turkeys, pumpkins, and cherries. They're all the same festival with all the same rides - and all the same toothless carnies. The only difference is the flavor of the fudge. And no....there's no way I'm trying the turkey fudge.)

Kiddo crashed on the couch with his typical nighttime attire: his snake, his lizard, his pink stuffed Amy (from Sonic the Hedgehog...and YES, he's totally gonna kill me for posting this!) and his face mask. This one says "Leave Me Alone". He can't sleep without it. Is it obvious yet that I'm raising a metrosexual?

Writing a Letter to My 20-something Self

Hey Rags-

Go to class. I know you hate the professors and are really just there for the party but please...go to class. And don't worry about finding your future husband while in college because you'll meet a host of successful guys in the workplace (and btw, it's okay to date that guy Tim in college...even though he's prematurely balding, it doesn't mean you have to marry him.)

Don't sweat the "major" decision too much - just get a degree. And most importantly...ENJOY YOUR LIFE. Stop thinking so much!!! Don't get too serious as you'll have your whole adult life for that.

Stop stressing over your body. You look good...embrace your butt cause you'll lose it in your late twenties. :)

One last piece of advice: STAY IN FLORIDA. I don't care how homesick you get...don't move back home. You'll feel good for a few weeks and then spend years regretting it.

Oh! And HAVE FUN! Life will work itself out so just enjoy the moment.

Good luck!

Foto Friday

The Kid has been begging me to let him do something radical with his hair. I figured hey, it's summer. Why not? He tried to grow it long...but he has thick wavy hair so it just grew fluffy. Then we tried to straighten it...and he resembled Ernie from Sesame Street. His hair was so bad...I BEGGED him to let me take him to get his hair cut. And he agreed.

On one condition.

I call this "Blue Thinker".

Thinking That.....

Mormon Jesus is a lot hotter than the Lutheran Jesus I grew up with.

Guess that's their reward for forsaking caffeine.