Foto Friday

The Kid ordered root beer.

"Look Mommy....it looks like beer! I'm drinking beer! Take a picture of me drinking beer!!!!"

I AM SO SCREWED.

Change

Today I received a "Save The Date" for a childhood friend's wedding. I'm so happy for her and can't wait for the event! Then a few hours later, I was told that one of my friends from college - who has a darling little boy - was expecting a little girl. I'm so excited for her!!! And then it hit me.

My life is boring. And I don't mean boring...I mean B.O.R.I.N.G. Is it because I'm not getting married or having a baby? (And can I just say thank GOD I'm not having a baby!!!!) I'm not sure. Perhaps it's because I've been out of work for 15 months. Holy crap. I just realized that it's been 15 months! Doesn't seem that long. Maybe it was the naps that made it pass quickly...

So for the past 15 months I have been a stay-at-home mom (which is definitely a HUGE task, stay-at-home mommies!) but I'm used to trying to raise a child and maintain a house while working long hours. I have literally spent the last 15 months ON MY ASS.

Well, I guess now is a good time to have this epiphany. Summer is just beginning so I can take The Kid and do ANYTHING. ANYWHERE. THE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS!

And I'm still sitting on my ass.

That's it. Starting tomorrow, I'm making a plan. We're doing something. Anything. I need a change. I WILL MAKE CHANGE HAPPEN. Yay!!!!!!!!

(But please God....just don't let me get pregnant. I can't handle that kind of change....)

Foto Friday

My child regularly tries to talk me into buying the crap peddled on infomercials.

The Kid: "But Mom, our cat NEEDS the EmeryCat board to groom her claws while she plays!"

Me: "No, she doesn't. That's what our couch and curtains are for."

So it was no surprise to me that he spent the better part of a year trying to sell me on the "Snuggie".

The Kid: "But Mom, it's the blanket with sleeves! I can stay cozy and warm at sporting events!"

Me: "Because you DO go to a lot of outdoor sporting events, huh???" (end sarcasm)

I stood my ground well and avoided having the Snuggie keep my arms and feet warm. Until Christmas. That's when Mother bought The Kid a Snuggie.

Whatever. But I am DRAWING THE LINE with the Shake Weight.

Thinking That.....

The kid is starting summer vacation next week. That is SO going to screw up my nap schedule DAMMIT.

Foto Friday

I like to think I'm a pretty independent woman. I've moved to two different states all by myself, I own my own house, and I've raised my child pretty much on my own. My last job was in governmental affairs so I had to travel to DC a few times by myself - no big deal.

At one point, my job required me to travel to New York City. I was excited - my mother, not so much. "You're a woman, and you're going to New York City by yourself???" Puh-lease. I once moved myself across the country to Arizona and survived being attacked/killed/corrupted by any Mexicans (although I did have a child by one, but that's another story...)

I took this photo about ten seconds after I stepped out of the train station in New York. Right after I snapped it, I thought, "Holy shit. I am in New York City. By myself.

WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING????????"

Thinking That.....

You've been watching your television with the "03" in the corner of the screen for three weeks because you can't figure out how to get it off? Seriously?

YOU DON'T DESERVE TO HAVE A TELEVISION WITHOUT DIALS AND/OR KNOBS. In fact, get rid of that cell phone too because it drives me NUTS when your ASS CALLS ME and all I hear is you talking to Grandma.

Happy Mother's Day!

I hate to rehash an old post but this pretty much sums up my motherhood experience.

Happy Mother's Day to all of you who have sacrificed so much for your spawn...as well as those who are pregnant for the first time (and probably shouldn't be reading this blog as it may compel you to seriously consider adopting out. Or becoming an alcoholic.)

Foto Friday

This is a photo of me, my dad and Babe (my dad always had Saint Bernards. Good dogs. Unbelievably slobbery but good dogs.) It's probably obvious from the avocado green desk in the background (and the blue shag carpeting that isn't really visible) that this house was decorated in the 70s.

My dad had diabetes and succombed to the disease two weeks before my thirteenth birthday.

My dad was da bomb. He would drive around in his convertible Mercedes with the top down in a Midwest November, heat blowing and Tammy Wynette blazing. He let me watch scary movies and gave me space - something my overbearing mother wouldn't allow me. He taught me tolerance of people who aren't like me and let me swim in our pool without waiting the required thirty minutes after eating. I am so much more like him than I am my mother...

I am so so thankful I had him for as long as I did...but have struggled for decades with the finality of his death. Whenever I hear of someone contemplating suicide, especially someone with children, I get REALLY pissed off. Do you know what it's like for a child to have to accept the fact that he/she will NEVER see their parent again? It messes you up for many, many years.

I can only hope heaven truly does exist and that he, Babe, Henry and Brute (the three Saints) are there together...mixing vodka tonics and waiting for the rest of us to come up to the party.

Because that will be one hell of a party. Especially with my tolerance for alcohol...

Home Sweet Home

Even though I am a 29-year-old independent woman (and by 29-year-old independent woman, I mean a mid-30s single mother LIVING ON THE EDGE), I still blame my older sister for one of the major stresses in my life. Why? Because she once said five magic words to me. Five words that I took as sage advice from my intelligent, well-meaning sister who has ten years more life experience than I do. At one of the most important crossroads of my life, my all-knowing sister said:

"You should buy a house."

I was living in a cute little apartment with huge bedrooms, lots of closet space and paying nearly half the rent one would be paying elsewhere. Life was sweet...until a tramp moved in above me. I don't care if you have sex over my head on the weekends. Hell, when you started yelling, "SAY MY NAME!" I had no problem cheering, "Go Ashley!!!" But when you start moaning and screaming at 6 pm while my child is watching television right below you, leading him to ask, "Mommy, what's wrong with Ashley? Should we call 911?" I have to draw the line. That's when my sister suggested I become a homeowner.

"You'll have equity!" "It's a smart decision!" "Your son will have a stable home!" I started thinking, I could paint! I could decorate however I wanted! I could scream during sex and no one would care! (Okay, two out of three were realistic...) So I did it! I found the perfect house! And I put in an offer! And they took it! And we moved in! YAY!

Yeah. I have one very important piece of advice for women such as myself who are contemplating buying a house. Advice that my SHITHEAD SISTER never imparted. Something I discovered during my stint as a homeowner.

DON'T BUY A HOUSE IF YOU DON'T HAVE A MAN.

I realize this is the 21st century and women can do anything they want...but I don't care if you're Gloria Steinem - bitch you NEED a man to have a house. (Or a woman like my neighbor, Heidi, but that's different.) I have a college degree and am unnaturally good at winging things. I had a drawer with some tools and a fat book titled, "The Ultimate Guide to Home Repair and Improvements". I figured with all that - and the internet, natch - I could totally do this house thing.

Do you know how difficult it is to light the pilot light on a 40-or-so-year-old furnace? And do you know how much it costs for a furnace repair guy to come over to your freezing cold house to light your pilot light for you? (Also included in the fee is the ominous warning of "I don't know how much longer this furnace has left!")

Two weeks ago, I found water under my kitchen sink. I discovered it was coming from a little hole in my sprayer hose. Psht. A little hole? I can so fix that! I bought a new $12.00 sprayer with hose kit and Googled how to replace a kitchen sprayer. THIS WAS SO DOABLE!

I turned off the water supply, figured out how to dismantle the sprayer. This is easy!!! All that was left was detaching the hose from under the faucet!

$150 dollars later, Justin the plumber finally detached the sprayer hose.

This week, I lost part of a fence in my backyard (don't ask.) I wanted to replace it, mentioned it to my mother - who shocked me with, "Oh yeah! Fences are easy. I put one up with Aunt Jeanne the other week." Really? REALLY? We could do this? Hell yeah we could do this! I AM WOMAN. HEAR ME ROAR!!!!!

Who knew the dirt in my backyard had the consistency of cement? And, most importantly, who knew how far into my neighbors' yard my mom would roll after she fell??? Mom and I got almost halfway along the fence line when we decided that my having a fully fenced-in yard wasn't worth our deaths. I called in a favor with my MALE cousin, and he came over and pounded the spikes into my yard. Took him about twenty minutes. (Thankfully this one didn't cost as much as the sprayer hose...though I do now owe him a case of beer.)

Every time something goes wrong with my house (new furnace, collapsed carport, sewer line roots, etc) I call my sister and say THANK YOU. I REALLY NEEDED THIS BULLSHIT IN MY LIFE. IT JUST WASN'T ENOUGH FOR ME TO BE A SINGLE MOTHER OR TO BE BORN INTO A FAMILY THAT COULD GIVE JERRY SPRINGER A LIFETIME'S WORTH OF MATERIAL. THIS IS AWESOME.

At Easter, I overheard my sister talking to my 25-year-old niece. She's single, smart and trying to find her place in life. Suddenly, I heard the familiar words: "You know what you should do, you should buy a house." OH. NO. SHE. DIDN'T.

Needless to say, that conversation didn't last long as I jumped right in there and told everyone my thoughts on a single woman owning a house. I truly believe I saved my niece that day. And she totally owes me now.

You know, she IS dating someone. I wonder if her boyfriend knows anything about plumbing? Cause I haven't had hot water in my bathroom sink for two years...