It's Okay to be Crazy. Hell, Everyone Else is Doing It!

I'm pretty open about my employment situation (or lack thereof.) Last year, I was laid off from my job. You know, my high-paying job that I HATED WITH EVERY CELL IN MY BODY. Part of me was devastated (the side that said, "How am I going to pay my mortgage? I'm a single mother, and I just bought a new car!") but the other part of me was relieved (the side that said, "I hated my job and my company anyway. Now I have a legitimate excuse to sleep in and drink during the day!")

I handled this life-changing event pretty well. I kept busy, cleaned the clutter from my house (which was 95% McDonald's toys), had lunch with friends, cruised the internet for employment opportunities I MAY be interested in. Afternoon naps were a must, and I bonded with The Kid. Unemployment paid the bills (sorta) and I was okay with my new title of SAHM (which stands for Stay-At-Home-MILF, natch.)

Fast forward eleven months. I was bored OUT OF MY FREAKIN' MIND. I lived in my pajamas and only left the house for errands. I was running out of money and sharing a blood supply with my couch. I couldn't get an interview anywhere, and I was quickly sinking into a very dark place.
By the middle of June, I was a mess. I was bored, antsy and cried at everything - including commercials. Hell, I even once sobbed when I was watching the Home Shopping Network. ("Look at those poor people...terrible acting skills and having to hock their worthless crap on HSN to boot. But at least they have a job!" *SOB*)

So I decided it was time to get some help. And not the kind of help where you have weekly appointments with a lesbian who smells like patchouli, writing notes as you cry and saying things like, "I see. I know, that's tough. Can you maybe look online for a job?" Damn. I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT. Thanks! Here's $200 for your sage advice. See you next week!

No, I needed DRUGS. I called my doctor and told him if he didn't put me on something right now, I would hunt him down like an animal and make his life as miserable as mine. (Side note: Don't mess with someone who is unemployed. We have waaaay too much time on our hands for you to screw with us.)

Perhaps it was the crazed look on my face (or my threats of keying his BMW) but he finally prescribed Wellbutrin. He said it would take a few days to get into my system but promised me it would help. (He also said it sometimes can act as an appetite suppressant. I was all, Psht. That won't help me cause it's not like I need to be hungry to eat!) Ten days later, I woke up and felt...whole.

I didn't feel like crying anymore. In fact, I felt like taking a shower! (I know, right???) Son of a bitch...this stuff was actually working! You know what it reminded me of? When I was in labor with my son, I was having contractions every couple of minutes. It SUCKED. (All you moms out there know what I mean but guys, put your balls in a nutcracker and squeeze every two minutes. Oh, did I mention the nutcracker IS ON FIRE???? Yeah. Something like that.) The nurse said, "Let me know when you're ready for the epidural." I was like, "I'm READY NOW, bitch!" Ooooooh, the relief. Sweet Mary mother of Jesus, the relief. (Another side note: Anyone who willingly goes through labor without an epidural or other form of pain relief is fucking nuts. Why the HELL would you put yourself through that????)

Anyhoo, what I'm getting at is...I'm back. I'm back to who I was before the boredom swallowed me up. (Don't get me wrong, I'm still bored as hell but the Wellbutrin is tricking my brain by turning my feelings of boredom into feelings of contentment.) Oh, oh! And get this! The appetite thing? It's working! About two weeks in, I was devouring a Culver's cheeseburger (and you don't mess with Mama when she's getting her Culver's cheeseburger on) and about halfway through it, I stopped. I was stuffed. And I mean stuffed like if I took another bite I would puke everywhere. I've lost almost ten pounds now! (I know, I know...I'm still not ready for my Playboy debut but it's a start.)

There is such a stigma about mental health issues but I guarantee that if you ask twenty people if they've ever been on anti-depressants/anti-anxiety drugs, at least 15 of them would say yes (and the other five are probably lying.) I'm not ashamed to say that I needed help after everything I had worked for in the last seven years was thrown out the window...and run over by a car...and pissed on by a bum.

Except for the alcohol. I can't really drink alcohol on Wellbutrin. Doc said once in a while was okay (which I took as only days ending in Y) but he said more than that may result in me having seizures. Awesome. It was a tough call but I figured I'd try the drugs before I reverted back to my alcohol therapy.

I'm glad I gave the drugs a shot because this is the best I have felt in the last two years. Now I just need to find a job. And some anti-seizure medication.

Foto Friday

We got a new member of the family this week. He is a sweet little baby...but most importantly, I didn't have to give birth to him. And he's already potty trained.

Foto Friday

Having given birth to a son ten years ago, I have had to totally rearrange my life around "boy stuff". When he was three, I would get excited seeing a firetruck because I knew he was excited. When he was five, I would get excited when Power Rangers was on tv because I knew he was excited. When he was nine, I would get excited for WWE wrestling to come on FOUR NIGHTS A WEEK because I knew he was excited.

Tonight, I attended a live WWE Raw event at our civic center because I knew he'd be excited. Today's Foto Friday shot is one of the more than 100 photos I snapped for him tonight...because Mommy needs to have a little fun too.

Boredom

I found this little piece I wrote a few years back. I was craving creativity so I Googled "writing assigments." I also make mention of my boss at the time, Scott. He is the biggest piece of shit I've ever encountered.

Internet Assignment Week One: Write your life story from today forward. Be specific. Describe a struggle. Overcome it. Have fun!

At the age of 32, Regan began her first novel How to Lose 10 Pounds in Three Years, a comedic glimpse into her life as a single mother. Astonishingly, a large publishing company snatched the book up soon after Regan completed it in 2007. It soared up the New York Times bestseller list, sitting at the #1 spot for six weeks. This allowed the author to quit her fulltime job brown nosing in corporate legal and concentrate on her writing - and on being a mom.

The following summer, Regan purchased an RV and packed up her son (and mother) and embarked on a three-month excursion across the United States. She wrote articles for several magazines, including a breathtaking piece on Olympia National Park in Washington state that was picked up by the Associated Press and published in hundreds of newspapers' Sunday travel editions.

That fall, when Regan's son went back to school, she began work on her second novel. Her unique encounters on her trip across America were the basis for this novel, titled Cubicle Dwellers Beware. It was during the promotion of this book that Regan met her husband, Australian comedy writer James "Liam" Van der Maar. They eloped in Las Vegas shortly after Regan's first novel won the Nobel Prize for literature and settled in Miami, Florida.

The union was a match made in comedic heaven - and one that produced two children (Liesel and Dash, who joined Regan's son Zane), four novels, six plays and the introduction of their widely popular joint newspaper column in the Miami Herald. Unfortunately, the marriage didn't survive the struggle for laughs, and Regan and Liam divorced. As many devoted readers began to mourn the loss of a favorite writing duo, they soon realized the fun had only just begun.

Although Liam was granted "custody" of the Herald column in the divorce settlement, Regan began penning a competing column, contradicting everything Liam wrote. The award-winning Dueling Divorcees quickly became a hit in Miami and was soon syndicated in newspapers nationwide.

A series in that column won the couple a National Press Club Award for Humor in 2015. Their increasingly heated exchange over Arnold Schwarzenegger's bid for the presidency, as well as Sylvester Stallone's gubernatorial bid in Florida, ignited newspapers around the country. Many analysts believe Regan's stance against testosterone-pumped-people-in-power helped thwart the former Mr. Universe from winning the ultimate title of President of the United States.

The happily unmarried couple resides in Miami (although on opposite ends) and enjoys their public arguing way too much. Regan spends her spare time lounging with her children by the pool, road tripping in her Winnebago and playing with her pit bull, Scottie.

UPDATE: At the ripe old age of 90, Liam fell while getting out of his Jacuzzi. He immediately called Regan, his partner in life, who rushed over to laugh at him. After dialing 911, Regan tripped over Liam's wet flailing body and collapsed. They both expired at 1:35 pm, apparently with broken necks.

Thinking That.....

I got to hold a sweet little baby during the fireworks last night. It almost makes me want another one!

(And by almost I mean KILL ME IF I EVER SAY THAT AGAIN.)