Random Thoughts

1. Wow. Nursing homes DO smell like Lysol and pee.

2. Colds suck. Choking on your own secretions is not fun.

3. How is Tara Reid famous and I'm not?

4. Why do some people mistreat members of their own family? There are enough assholes in the world that one shouldn't have to take crap from someone just because nature stuck them with the same parents/grandparents.

5. In my next life, I want to be reincarnated as my cat. Man she has it good.

6. Why sit through a State of the Union address when you can get the highlights on the news/internet? There's no need to preempt my show so you can hear yourself talk for 2 hours. THAT'S WHAT C-SPAN IS FOR. USE IT.

7. I'm bored.

8. I love naps. My couch is soooo comfy.

9. USE YOUR TURN SIGNAL, ASSHOLE!!!

10. Cussing is so not ladylike.

11. I think my former work group's secretary is a backstabbing piece of shit (see point #4.)

12. I'm not feeling very ladylike right now.

13. Were Adam and Eve apes? Cause I'm having trouble working out the whole evolution vs. creation thing.

Damn It

Aunt Bat-Shit-Crazy, you drive me nuts. Always have. Every year you bought me ugly clothes for Christmas and always asked why I didn't wear them to your house (because I had already exchanged them?!?!) Your fave line is, "Do you know what your problem is???" and you usually distort a few family memories to favor your side in an issue. But when you go and hurt yourself and need help...I'm there. You bet your mean ass I'm there - cause you're family. Asshole or not, I can't ignore someone in need. I'm there for you. I love you, you crazy bastard. :)

Now then. Back to my whiskey.

Making Me Proud

The Kid: "I see you as a friend, not as a mom."

Me: "What about when I yell at you? Do you see me as a mom then?"

The Kid: "No, I see you as a threat."

Rated M for Mature

Okay…I’m gonna go a little risqué on you here. Today's topic is talking dirty.

(Quick side note…that sentence reminded me of my friend Sarah’s funeral. Sarah was the funniest person I’ve ever met – and also one of the dirtiest. But what was great about her was that she didn’t hide her potty humor. Friends, family – even her mom knew about her dirty sense of humor. The highlight of her funeral – in fact, the highlight of my week as that was one of the worst in my life – was when the pastor said, “I hear Sarah was quite funny. Actually, I also hear she was quite risqué …” YES!!! I laughed through my tears that day. Sarah – a pastor called you risqué in church. I know you were cracking up at that one! One of these days I will write a post on her. She was the best…)

Anyway, back to talking dirty. I can’t do it. I’ve seen pornos, I know what’s supposed to be said but I just can’t do it. If nothing else I start cracking up! “Oh yeah baby, you know what I want to do to you? I want to…to…lick your…BUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!” Can’t do it.

I recently talked this over with an ex of mine who is a hillbilly (yes, I just gave you away.) I was like, you’ve done that??? He said, “Hellllll yeah! Y’all are missing out!” The man who once pointed to a Dairy Queen Brazier sign, laughed and shouted, “Look…BRASSIERE!!!!!!” can talk dirty. And I can’t.

One of my fave uncomfortable moments came when a guy I was seeing/messing with/same thing suddenly said, “Do you know how many times I’ve masterbated to the thought of you this week?” My mind raced! I didn’t know what to say! So I said…

“Thank you?”

*sigh*

Ah well. I can do other things that make up for my lack of porno talk. Maybe some time I’ll get reallllly drunk and just go for it. Take what I’m feeling and put it into words, then translate it into porn. Yeah! I’m ready! I can do this!!!!!

“Oh yeah…I’m hot too...yeah baby…hold on…let me take off my…brassiere…BUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

Nope. Ain’t happening.

How to Piss Me Off.....

Refer to me as "her daughter...you know, the unemployed one". Do I refer to you as "her sister...you know, the bat shit crazy one"? NO I DO NOT.

Well, not to your face.

GAME ON

It's been a while, my friend, since our last battle. The battle that almost drove me insane, constantly peeking through my shades, waiting for you, trying to catch a glimpse of you violating me. But I outsmarted you and finally won that battle.

I've often thought of you, usually around this time of year. I wondered if you thought of me, thought of what I'm keeping from you. But tonight you came back. I heard some noises outside, didn't see anything...but peeked a few minutes later and caught you. Oh yes, I saw you.

Three years ago, you needled me by sneaking into my garbage container and strewing paper and food throughout my carport. You bypassed the container lock like a little Nancy Drew. Your furry butt sticking out of the lid mocked my valiant efforts to keep you at bay. But I outsmarted you. With a bungee cord no less.

It's been a while but you know what? I'm still smarter than you. And the bungee cord is still in place. So there's only one thing to say:

GAME ON F*CKING RACCOON!

Thinking that.....

I'm sure Paula Deen is a nice lady and all...but if I had to spend more than five minutes talking to her, I would shove hot skewers into my ears y'allllllllll.

Things That Make You Go Hmmm.....

Noticed today that WalMart is offering H1N1 flu virus shots. In the Kitchen Goods section. The line reminded me of that one time I rode a Greyhound bus from Tucson to Los Angeles. Talk about a veritable array of who's who in mental illness...

Why yes, I DO know I've lost my mind!

I've enrolled The Kid in drum lessons. He's been begging for a few years and has now officially declared me the Coolest Mom in the World.

Everyone else wonders where they can get some of the drugs I'm obviously high on.

How to Get on my Good Side.....

Card me for that bottle of wine. I realize it's probably required of you but THANK YOU.

How to Piss Me Off.....

Spend hours trying to persuade me that a 9-year-old boy should own a PSP game that is rated M for mature. Not only is it not happening, but you're thisclose to being put up for adoption.

My Kooky Neighbors Again

Those who know me AT ALL are familiar with my disdain for anything involving lawn care (mowing, raking, snow shoveling), which makes me a thorn in my neighbors' sides. And although they are all wonderful, upstanding citizens of my community - and loan me stuff - they are all complete yard freaks. Doesn't matter what day of the week, what time of the day, or what inclement weather we are experiencing, I can most likely find one or all of my neighbors partaking in yard work. Sick bastards.

Today, it is sunny and a balmy 9 degrees outside. Two of my neighbors, whom I love dearly, have lost their ever-loving minds. Not only are they working in their yard, they are RAKING THEIR ROOF. That's right, they are RAKING THEIR ROOF. Maybe it was the horrified look on my face (most likely it was me standing outside shouting, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, YOU CRAZY BASTARDS????") but they patiently explained how snow will melt and form ice, which gets under the roof shingles and...blah blah blah. All I could think was, WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY DOING, THOSE CRAZY BASTARDS???

Thank gawd in all of this madness I had my wits about me and ran inside for my camera.

Truthfully, my neighbors are so wonderful and I don't deserve them. Their house is in much better shape than mine - with hubby's artistic flair and wifey's knack for being able to do ANYTHING because she is secretly MacGyver - I can only aspire to be as cool as they are. They even raked my roof.

I will sorely miss them if we have to move. However, I still think they need some form of therapy for their yard obsession...

How to Piss Me Off.....

Climb into my lap and cuddle and purr and be all sweet....then let out a silent tuna-flavored cat fart. I hate you. Just wait until tonight when you're snuggling under my down comforter. CAN YOU SAY DUTCH OVEN BEOTCH!!!!!

Thinking that.....

I have the coolest f*cking neighbors in the world. My neighbor Greg snowblows my driveway every time it snows bad. During the last snowstorm, his snowblower blew up...so the neighbor across the street cleared my drive. Unbelievable.

Plus, John and Heidi loan me stuff like flour and lemons...and John loans Heidi when I have something going wrong in my kitchen and need someone with sick-ass tools. She's da BOMB. I'd marry her if she wasn't already married.

And if we weren't chicks and stuff.....

Hope

I always have hope. When I became a single mother, I saw my dreams of getting married and having a good life fly out the window...but I had hope. Whether it be winning the lottery or standing on the corner, turning to my right and noticing someone...who turns out to be my soul mate...I always have hope.

I've recently encountered people who have no hope. They can't foresee any more happiness in their lives and think it better to end it. I don't get it. How can you NOT have hope? (Again...the lottery???) But I recently had a friend explain to me that although he and I know there is always, always a chance for something, some people just can't see it. Perhaps they have chemical imbalances in their brains, underlying mental illness...but hope is not a part of their world. How horrible is that?

Ten years ago, I had a new baby and was a single mother living at my mother's house in Pekin, Illinois. I had only two years of college completed, and I was EXHAUSTED. Can you say ROCK BOTTOM??? But I had hope. I didn't know how I was going to make it...but I knew I somehow would.

Fast forward...I finished college, got a high-paying job, bought a house and a car with remote start and heated seats (yeah baby!!!) I could never imagine this future ten years ago and am still not sure how I held it together long enough to get to that point. But I had hope.

Now, I've lost that high-paying job and am struggling to make the mortgage and car payments. I'm quickly spiraling down into credit card purgatory. There aren't many job prospects around this area so we will likely have to sell our house and move somewhere with more employment opportunities. Things are pretty dreary here...but I have hope. I am confident that ten years from now I will look back on this time and wonder how the hell I held it together long enough to get to where I am at that point!

Have hope. Even if (or when...) I'm living in my car with heated seats and remote start, I will have hope. You never know - one morning I could turn to my right and realize I am parked next to my soul mate...sleeping in his Land Rover, exhausted from the previous night he spent celebrating his big lottery win...

Fun Family Fact

I was always told my grandmother's middle name was Narcissus. In fact, my cousin Nari was named after her. After all these years, I found out today that Grandma's middle name is actually Narcisa. Guess who else didn't know?????

Poor old lady.

*sigh*

How to Piss Me Off.....

Use your turn at the drive-thru ATM to fill out your 14 deposit envelopes and balance your checkbook.

Thinking that.....

It's -6 degrees out. I now fully understand the saying, "Colder than a witch's tit."

Thinking that.....

Professional wrestlers are extremely shiny. I wonder if they hire someone to oil them up? Hmmm.....


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