Throwback Thursday

My dad was laid back, funny as hell, intelligent, and just fun to be around. When I was young, he taught me how to be independent and made me feel like a grown up.

My mother is the complete opposite. She's uptight, controlling, naggy, and just an all-around pain in the ass. When I was young, she didn't want me out from under her thumb so she wouldn't let me do ANYTHING and made me feel like a baby.

My parents divorced when I was four years old but I spent every weekend with my dad until he became very ill and passed away. I'm just like him - which is probably why my mother and I never got along. Oil and water, man...to this day. Dad was my weekend reprieve from the stifling oppression that was known as "Mother".

I have a very vivid memory of me, at the ripe old age of around NINE, asking my dad, "Dad, you and Mom are soooo different. I can see why you two divorced. But how in the world did you ever end up together???" He sighed, looked me straight in my young eyes and said,

"Well, kid......she was hot."

Classic Dad.

God, I miss him.

She was pretty hot...especially in a bikini. But I couldn't find that pic so below is a family photo circa 1975.

My Hardships Trump Your Hardships

Mouth's a whiner. It's okay, I'll own it. He gets it from me. And he HATES IT when I pull the childhood trump card and am all, "I had it so hard when I was growing up. I didn't have the internet. We had to go to the actual LIBRARY and look stuff up in books and stuff. Dude, I graduated college without the internet or a laptop. I'm FRIKKIN AMAZEBALLS!!!"

Last night, Mouth was whining that his internet connection was slow.

Mouth: "Mooooommmm, we need faster internetttttt. I'm getting my butt kicked on my games because my game is soooooo laggy......."

(Because I don't pay Comcast nearly $200 a month for cable, phone and HIGH-SPEED INTERNET.)

Me: "Psht. I had it so hard when I was growing up..."

Mouth: "STOP, okay??? I know you had it harder. I don't wanna hear it right now!!!" (as he angrily shoves his straw into a juice box)

Me: "Dude, you have no idea. You see that juicebox? You have it SO GOOD. I used to have to shove a SPIKED PLASTIC THING INTO A DAMN ORANGE AND SUCK A TENTH OF AN OUNCE OF JUICE AT A TIME!!!!"

Mouth: ".....seriously?"

Me: "YES!!!"

Anyone remember these?

Mouth: "....seriously?"

Me: "Yup. You had to keep sticking it in different spots to get more little drips of juice."

Mouth: "You win."

Throwback Thursday

This Throwback Thursday doesn't go too far back but it was quite the omen for what was to come.

Mouth had just turned nine years old, and I wanted to take a pic of him. He was sitting next to me watching TV when I said, "Hey, I wanna take your pic. Do something."

Mouth: "Noooo. I'm watching Power Rangers."

Me: "Come on...it's at commercial. DO SOMETHINGGGG!!!!"

He slowly turned to me, smiled that shit eatin' grin, and stuck his pudgy little finger in the air. I snapped the pic, laughed my ass off, then yelled at him for giving me the bird. His response?

"Well...you told me to do something. So I DID something!"

I've been laughing (then yelling) at his vulgar actions ever since. Man, he and my dad would have been best buds. I'm beginning to wonder if Mouth isn't my father reincarnated.

Throwback Thursday

Year: 1995
Location: University of South Florida

My suitemate Michelle and I KILLING some wings. I always ordered atomic-eat-your-stomach-lining wings. My friends said they could smell the heat down the hall.

As you can see, this was back when we had telephones that connected to the wall. And VCRs. And super ugly carpet. And BANGS.

It Would Be Cheaper To Buy Diapers

Insurance Company Operator (ICO): "Okay, let's get your claim started. You backed into someone, correct?"

Me: "Yep."

ICO: "Was this in a parking lot?"

Me: "Nope. It was at a stoplight."

ICO: "I'm sorry?"

Me: "A stoplight. I was at a stoplight."

ICO: "You backed into someone...at a stoplight?"

Me: "Yep. Hey, you think I could claim I'm color blind or something and I thought red was green???"

ICO: "Um...you BACKED into her."

Me: "Oh. Good point."

ICO: "And both cars are drivable?"

Me: "Oh yeah. She just has a cracked headlamp cover and a dented hood. My Jeep is a tank. Not even a scratch!"

ICO: "All from you backing into her...at a stoplight."

Me: "Yep!"

ICO: "..."

Me: "You're dying to ask me why I backed into someone at a stoplight, aren't you?"

ICO: "Well...."

Me: "Lady, I'm a woman on the EDGE. Not only do you NOT want to know, you don't even want to ASK."

ICO: "Oh! Right! No big deal. Trust me, it happens ALL the time! Now, to finish your claim......."


I think I played that well. It was bad enough I had to explain my actions to the other driver and to the police officer on scene. I wasn't going to replay events for a snippy insurance operator. Psht.

Because, really. How does one explain to someone who wasn't there how the traffic light was stuck and all the other cars got to have their turn SIX TIMES (I counted) while we sat at a red light? And how the stupid first car in my lane should have just turned right so our lane could at least get through instead of holding up traffic until it was four blocks long? And how the guy next to me pulled a u-ey and left a big car-spaced opening on my left? And how I only needed ONE FOOT of clearance in the front, and I could swing to the left and u-ey my way out of there? And how the chick behind me was all up on my ass in a tiny car and I didn't see her? And how the only reason I pulled any of these antics was because I had to POOP???