Painfully Honest

I went grocery shopping today for just a few things (which somehow magically turns into $120) and I self-checked out (natch) and braved the cold to the far end of the parking lot where I earlier found a shitty parking spot. I had just finished loading my grocery bags into the back of the Jeep when I looked down and noticed a stray package of eyeliner.

Shit.

It must have slipped through from the top of my cart and hidden itself in between my cases of water. I looked back at the store...AW, HELL NO. I'm freezing and OF COURSE not wearing a coat. The parking lot is packed....no way. I'm not going back. It's like what, five dollars???

Shit.

Have I mentioned my work experience includes gigs at two casinos and a bank? I can't steal. I just can't. This would weigh on my mind all night...or at least until three a.m. when I would throw a blanket over my scrub pajamas and go back and pay for the eyeliner because I can't sleep with bad karma on my conscience.

But I just got off work, and I wanna go home...

I drove up the aisle, which ended at the front door of the grocery store. NO, DAMMIT. It's cold, and there isn't anywhere close to park.

Crap. There's an open spot. First space, second row. DAMMIT. Where were you a half hour ago???

At least my conscience is clear this evening. No wonder I didn't do well in the corporate world....

Dear Mr. Turkey

I'm sorry I violated you. I shoved herbs and an onion up your butt and rubbed shallot and herb butter under the skin of your breast. Then I roasted and devoured you. I feel dirty. But full. Pleasantly full.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Thinking That....

the hand sanitizer I carry in my bag smells like a margarita.

And no, I didn't drink it.

Especially because I didn't have any salt on me.

You Say Tomato, I Say Tomahto

When was the last time you laughed really hard? Like, BELLY LAUGHED. Mine was when I discovered that my boss, whom we dubbed Queen Bitch of the Universe, had a maiden name of "Biatch". She pronounced it "Biache" but we pronounced it BEYOTCH!!!!!!

Man...I TOTALLY pissed my pants on that one.

Because I Really Am That Important

Bluetooth phones. Bluetooths. Blueteeth?

Nothing else makes someone think, "I am so damn important that I just may get one of my many important phone calls while talking to you. And I must take that important call because it is so much more important than the not-important conversation I'm currently having with you."

While everyone else is thinking, "Just wearing that thing shows what a self-absorbed, tasteless, clueless schmuck you are. And when you're walking around on your 'important' phone call, you look like a king douchebag talking to himself."

Actually, I don't think I've ever seen a woman wearing a Bluetooth. Mostly just middle-aged men. With big fat beer guts.

Because if THAT doesn't turn me on, the Bluetooth will surely seal the deal.

Cart Stalking...er, Watching

I've always been a people watcher. I love sitting in a crowded area and watching what walks by me. I imagine their life stories...like, why does that woman look so sad? Did her boyfriend just dump her? Did her dog die? And does that kid think having his pants rest just below his butt cheeks is sexy? Cause I LOVE seeing a 15-year-old wanna-be gangster's boxer shorts. And what the hell is SHE doing with that guy??? I hope he's her father and NOT her boyfriend. He must be rich. And generous, by the size of her boobs.

But you wanna know what's even better than merely watching people walk past? Watching what people buy at the grocery store. Oh yeah. I call it "cart watching". I love to look into others' grocery carts and invent their life stories. Admit it, we've all done it at some point - what about that little old lady with the teased-to-heaven dyed-red hair, barely strong enough to push her cart that holds two cases of Milwaukee's Best? Come on - we ALL have one of her in our local grocery!

Then there's the guy with 20 boxes of frozen dinners and generic toilet paper. Economy size, of course. Yep...he's single. I once saw a huge guy, muscle shirt and all, buying a box of Kashi cereal, a carton of orange juice and a Summer's Eve douche. Seriously. SERIOUSLY? What the hell is he going to do with a douche? Granted, maybe it's for his wife but who the hell still uses Summer's Eve douches??? Apparently wifey is still living in 1987 before the advent of REGULAR SHOWERS.

Today I saw an older gentlemen buying six jugs of bleach and a box of frozen waffles. Obviously a serial killer. But whenever I see a guy walking out with a pile of steaks, a bag of charcoal and a case of Corona, I leave my cart right where it is and tail him. Seriously. Cause that's my kind of party.

Hmm, I wonder what people think of MY cart? Let's see...today I bought an artichoke, a bottle of wine, large black garbage bags and Saran Wrap. That could be a good time, right?

I know, I know. Totally signs of a vegetarian lush who buries bodies in her yard. Probably not too far from the truth, either...