Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown

Probably around 14 years ago I spent part of my tax return on an artificial Christmas tree. I had moved back home with Mother because I was...well...KNOCKED UP and it was Christmas time so we needed a tree. Mother was always a fan of flocked trees and fancy shit of that sort but I found a great deal on a nice little artifical thing and decided we would exorcise her flocked tree demons.

I usually put up the Christmas tree the weekend after Thanksgiving (gotta deal with my holidays in order, yes?) I was literally sitting here on the Saturday after Thanksgiving thinking, "Well, hell. Gotta put the tree up this weekend. But you know what sucks? I see peeps posting effing glorious pics on Facebook of their trees. The lights are PHENOMENAL. I don't get it.  I have TWO DAMN STRANDS of lights on my tree but it still looks like a Charlie Brown Christmas tree. WTF???" At that very moment I saw a commercial for Target.

"50% OFF TREES! PRE-LIT TREES FOR $99! TODAY ONLY!!!"

Well, holy hell! Is THIS where I've gone wrong? Is pre-lit the answer??? Let's go!!!!

So I drive myself (and Mouth, kicking and screaming) up to Targhay. We found the Christmas section and there were beautiful trees on display! Pre-lit trees! Un-lit trees! OH MY WORD, TREES!

However, no trees to buy. Turns out Targhay only stocks like three trees for the lucky few who get there at 5 am. And this is no Black Friday, no way. This is SATURDAY. Bastards. I even tried to buy the display- no dice. Bless the Targhay workers' hearts. They were very sweet and helpful and admitted their corporation's marketing tactics were janky. They agreed I should take my business elsewhere.

So Mouth and I went to Walmart.

It's okay...it wasn't so bad because it was no longer Black Friday. However, the guy who helped us get the tree box down from the shelf was wearing Depends. I know this because his pants were swinging low and no one who is over like FIFTY should have pants swinging that low. Uck. Gonna need therapy for that one.

ANYHOO!!! We got a beautiful pre-lit tree. And...did I mention it was BEAUTIFUL??? I have now realized that my Facebook friends' beautiful trees were actually PRE-LIT trees. I'm so happy to finally be in the loop so I can post beautiful tree pictures on my Facebook account. Go me!!!

But we have janky ornaments. Holy hell. WHERE DO I GET PERFECT ORNAMENTS SO MY TREE LOOKS AS PERFECT AS MY FACEBOOK FRIENDS' TREES???

Good thing I avoid Pinterest. That shit would likely put me over the EDGE.

Cat Are Really Just Furry Hos

Owning a cat is like dating a psycho bitch with bipolar disorder.

Just now I scratched my cat's ear and he leaaaaaned into my hand like his life depended on it! He was like, "Yes, yes, YES! Right there, right there, don't you stop. Don't you DARE stop!!! Right, right...there...YESSSS!!!!! Okay now get the f*ck away from me. I hate you."

I'm so confused. I'm glad I could make him feel good but I don't understand why he now wants nothing to do with me.

I feel used.

Checking Mouth's Facebook

A major sign of my child growing up was when he wanted to use my birthday to create a Facebook account. That should have been my first red flag.

But I went along with it. He had some classmates on Facebook, I figured I could HEAVILY monitor...so I agreed. According to Facebook, he's now 39 years old. He wasn't really into girls so I didn't have to worry about that so I thought, What kind of trouble could he get into with his friends?

Then he tried to friend me.

Oh HELL NO.

I drew the line at that one. But from time to time I'll log into his account (oh yes, Mama has the login info AT ALL TIMES) and monitor his Facebook activity. He doesn't post a lot- again, he's not really into girls yet...more into gaming so he's not on Facebook much. Then tonight I realized it had been quite a while since I checked into Mouth's Facebook account. So I logged in.

There wasn't much posting on his part but other kids ARE MEAN! They're all posting about their classmates being fat and stupid and teachers being ASSHOLES (yes, they were typing ASSHOLES) and it brought me back to the mean kids I knew in school. It felt good that my darling child wasn't a part of this nonsense!

And then I checked his private messages.

Apparently, he had been teasing a little girl at school who had a boyfriend. A 12-year-old with a BOYFRIEND is serious shit, ya know? So the boyfriend found out and apparently wasn't very happy with Mouth. The following snapshot is an exchange of their confrontation.


Bad kid: "Wanna fight?'

Mouth: "Ya les go bro. Imma gonna PWN your ass!"

Bad kid: "Omfg. OK. Monday."

Mouth: "Nah, I'm busy on Monday. Gonna be doing something at recess then. I'm open Tuesday."


Hahahahaha!!!! Although I am APPALLED my child would agree to a fight, the reschedule due to recess activities CRACKS. ME. UP.

Granted, I called him down from his room to lecture him on the better ways of solving disagreements without fighting but a small part of me was proud he stuck up for himself...AND postponed the fight due to prior recess commitments.

Holy hell. I'm still tearing up from laughing!