Motherly Advice: Or How I Wish My Mother Was Sweet, Like Joan Crawford

Feeling a wee bit shitty today as my house was auctioned off at noon. I would imagine it was bought by a nice banker, to whom I owe a lot of money.

In an attempt to make me feel peachy keen about losing the only home my child ever knew, Mother texted me today while I was at work:

"I was thinking you are pretty adjusted to living in my apartments for now. Spring is coming soon so maybe it would be a good time to maybe start your life in a new direction."

Ya think? Okay, I'll bite. I responded:

"Right on. I welcome your suggestions."

"Let's talk when you get home. I'll tell you my suggestions then!"

Aight. I'm open to new ideas. Let's hear it!

Me: "So...what are your suggestions?"

Mother: "Well. I think you should set a goal. Long term or short term, but definitely set a goal. And then work toward it. You'll get there! And maybe you should get back into your exercise routine again. You used to work out like six days a week. Maybe if you pick that back up again you'll feel better about yourself. But definitely set a goal and reach it!"

Holy shit. I never thought of that. A goal? To actually set A GOAL? BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN LOOKING FOR A 'REAL' JOB FOR ALMOST THREE YEARS??? But hell, A GOAL?!? Why didn't I think of that??? With groundbreaking ideas like these, she should run for public office! Lordy, good thing she's the brains of this outf...

Wait. Did she just call me fat?

Heart Attack In 3...2...1...

I'm at work and my phone buzzes in my pocket. It's a local number so I answer:

Me: "Hello?"

Her: "Hi. This is the Pekin Police Department."

Me: "I'm gonna kill him. If he's okay, I'm gonna kill him."

Her: "I'm sorry?"

Me: "Oh, I'm sorry. Hi?"

Her: "I'm looking for the resident of 1113 South **** Street. Are you that resident?"

Me: "No, I live at 1311 South **** Street."

Her: "Oh, sorry. We must have switched the numbers. Have a good day!"

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH HIS TEEN YEARS, AM I?

You Know You Work In The ER When...

you discover your thumbnail covered in blood and pray to God it's your own.

Good times. Goooooood times.

A Glimpse Of The Teen Years

Yesterday Mouth and I ran into a 13-year-old neighbor kid who was sporting a silver hoop pierced through his lip.

Me: "Oh my. Did you see August's lip???"

Mouth: "Yeah. It's kinda cool."

Me: "!!!!!!!"

Mouth: "Oh, don't worry. I don't want one."

Me: "Phew! Good boy."

Mouth: "But a chin stud on the other hand..."


I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH HIS TEEN YEARS, AM I?

Well....Hell.

Dammit.

I can't believe it happened. I said I would never never EVER do this. In fact, I believe my exact words were, "I'd rather chop off my arms and legs and be a flopping bloody torso than do that." But sonofabitch, it happened.

*sigh*

I watched an episode of 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians'.

Let me back up a bit: I have always maintained that I couldn't understand how a family of nobodys got their own show. Okay, so Bruce was an Olympian but that was like 50 years and 12 face lifts ago. And Kim's huge ass was featured in a sex tape with Brandy's little brother. I'm thinking, I have a big butt and am probably unknowingly in someone's shady sex tape but we don't see me with my own show, now do we???

Mother would be all, "I like the Kardashians! They're funny, and I like Khloe the best. You should watch it." I'm all, NO. It's the principle of it. I REFUSE to watch a show about these people who AREN'T FAMOUS.*

*Side note: None of the Real Housewives franchises fit into this category because they change cast members occasionally. And because I say so.

Then Kim goes and gets a divorce after being married for like 10 minutes? Garbage!!!! I mean, what did she expect? He's a big hairy oaf-looking dude. Blech! I once heard someone say they had to give Kim props because she extended her 15 minutes of "fame" (i.e., porn with Ray J) and turned it into an entertainment empire.

I did agree to that, actually.

Then...this is so horrible. I can't believe I'm admitting to this to y'all. The other night, Mother was watching Mouth and apparently watching Kardashian garbage again. When she left, I plopped down in front of the tv but got distracted (by something shiny, natch) and didn't change the channel right away. Then...I heard it.

I heard Kim Kardashian crying, saying she made a mistake by marrying Kris.

Shit. Shit. SHIT.

I TOLD YOU, KIM! He's a big, gross...OAF! I was hooked. The more I watched that Kris guy, the more I realized how immature and big and outright annoying he really was. I thought, how could this savvy, slick-dressing chick fall for such a...yeti??? I had to see. I had to see how Sasquatch landed her.

I found episodes online and started watching.

Shit. Shit. SHIT.

That was two days ago. Turns out, he was always Sasquatch. I don't know what the HELL Kim was thinking by marrying him. He's an asshole! And I've realized Kim bugs the shit out of me. She isn't the savvy person who wisely milked her soft porn fame - I give all props to her mom. Her mom founded an entire empire on that ass.

And I love Khloe. She's hilarious and throws the word 'douchebag' around like it was peoples' first names. LOVING. HER. Ah, she reminds me so much of me...

Gotta run. Kim's whiny ass is going to Dubai and apparently that was the beginning of the end for Mr. Kim Kardashian. Toodles!