When The Cat's Away The Mice Will Play

The last few days have been unbearably hot so we haven't been able to visit the dog park. Therefore, Baby Ted has THE WORST case of cabin fever. Yesterday, he dragged the toilet paper from the bathroom through the kitchen, around the dishwasher TWICE and was heading into the living room when I finally caught up to him. This is seriously worse than Mouth in February after a long, hard winter.

Today was again in the nineties but breezy so I braved the heat (anything more than 90 degrees makes me feel...stabby) and headed for the D.P. (Btw, D.P. stands for 'dog park'-it's code for those of us with pups who have come to recognize the words 'dog park' and must abbreviate it to avoid the BATSHIT CRAZY that ensues when the actual words are spoken.) Ted had so much fun today at the D.P. He played with two ugly poodles and ran his little furry butt off until he was so tired he was running crooked. You know what a busy day at the D.P. means, right?




Oh yeah. PASSED. OUT.

I turned the living room light off because, as a mama, I know I must do ANYTHING to encourage a baby to stay asleep once he crashes. I soon saw a few shadows out of the corner of my eye. Turns out that in our household the old adage "when the cat's away the mice will play" is now "when the annoying puppy is asleep the cats turn NINJA!"

Here's Moe wondering why the HELL his little kitty house was upended during Ted's heat-related house arrest:


And sweet little Toph. She's very old and very wise - and very intelligently infiltrated Doggy Headquarters.

Toph has made herself comfortable in Doggy HQ, and Moe is resting in his (still upended) house. And I used to think my life was boring....

Thinking That.....

A dog who frequents our local dog park looks EXACTLY like Will Ferrell. Everything from his curly hair to his beady eyes, he's just Will Ferrell in dog form. I don't even know the dog's name but every time I see him, I'm lookin' for a cowbell!!!

(That link is the best I could find of the SNL cowbell skit. It's blurry and pixely but still high-larious!)

I'll update once I get a pic.

Must. Be. Sneaky.

UPDATE: I GOT THE DOG'S PIC!!!**

His name is Louie. Louie's mom said that her husband thinks the dog's beady eyes make him look like Rod Blagojevich (former Illinois guvnah, now in prison - AS THEY ALL ARE.) My friend Marcy mentioned, "Really? I think he looks like Will Ferrell!" To which Louie's mom responded with glee, "Will Ferrell? Well, that's better than Blagojevich!"

** Must give HUGE props to Marcy who snapped the pup's photo for me - Louie showed up on the ONE DAY I didn't have a car. Some spy I am, right? She was also the first to see Will Ferrell in this dog. Without her, I would still be thinking, What the hell is wrong with that dog's face? And why does he look like Rod Blagojevich???

"I could use a little more cowbell, fellas!"

My Top 20 Fave...Movies

I've been watching some movies from my childhood this week, enjoying the memories they bring back. So I decided to compile my Top 20 fave movies with a little blurb about each (Warning: snark may be involved.) After reviewing my list, I realized most of them were filmed in the 80s. Perhaps it's because the 80s were the decade of my childhood, when things were simpler; perhaps it's because movies these days focus so much on special effects that the story gets lost. Perhaps that's enough philosophizing, Professor Chardonnay, let's get to it!

In no particular order:

1. Running Scared (1986) - It's funny, it shows dancer Gregory Hines as a really funny actor, it showcases my fave spot Key West, it portrays Jimmy Smits as the hot Latino he truly is. LOVES.

2. National Lampoon's Vacation (1983) - I could recite every word of this movie at 10 years old. I had a wandering spirit as a child and the thought of travelling in the Griswold Family Truckster just sounded so cool.

3. Romancing The Stone (1984) - Another movie I could recite every word from by age 10. I loved Kathleen Turner's voice and discovered the hilarity of Danny DeVito.

*I should probably mention now that both of my stepfathers insisted on having HBO and Showtime on the cable box. This tidbit will come into play in later selections.*

4. Beverly Hills Cop (1984) - Come on, this was a good movie! So good, in fact, that one of my high school friends reenacted one of Axel Foley's pranks on a classmate of ours' car. I cannot go into this any further because the prankee reads this blog (and if you know who you are, I will TOTALLY tell you who did it because I can't stand her now.)

5. Fast Forward (1985) - I would imagine none of you have heard of this film. It's a dance movie and the closest thing I had to a dance studio in my youth. I practiced those moves day in, day out. Replete with leg warmers.

6. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989) - I could probably list ALL the Griswold movies on my list (even European Vacation! IKR???) but I especially liked this one. Clark and Ellen still look like Clark and Ellen (unlike Vegas Vacation) and it's just SO what I imagine my family Christmases would have been...if my mother hadn't married so many times.

7. Revenge Of The Nerds (1984) - This movie was filmed at the University of Arizona in Tucson, where I lived for six months. I spent one whole Saturday touring filming locations with my camera. Just after lunch, I was driving down a street close to campus when I saw it: the Alpha Beta house. I screamed, "Holy shit! It's the Alpha Beta house!" I couldn't see any open parking slots so I sorta double-parked in front of someone's driveway (I was just going to get a quick snapshot and be on my way!) As I was tumbling out of my VW Jetta, the owner of the house yelled, "Hey! You can't park there!" I said, "But...it's the ALPHA BETA HOUSE!!!" He goes, "Ahhh. You're one of them. Go ahead, I'll watch your car since you left the engine running, door hanging open, and are already halfway down the street." Sweet man!

8. Adventures In Babysitting (1987) - I wished I could be Chris, being in charge and finding the man of my dreams at a frat party. The best line of the movie? "Don't FUCK with the Lords of Hell." "Don't FUCK with the babysitter!"

9. My Father The Hero (1994) - This was filmed in the Bahamas - the shots...oh, the breathtaking shots. But I think I liked it because I imagined that would be the relationship I would have had with my dad had he not died when I was 12 years old. When Nicole thinks her dad has drowned and finally breaks down and speaks French to him...I sob every time. But to watch this you need to get over Gerard Depardieu's nose. Yikes.

10. Breakfast At Tiffany's (1961) - I love everything Audrey Hepburn. "Sabrina" was a close call for me on this one but BAT is just...it.

11. Hardbodies (1984) - (Please see italic text after #3) This was the first naughty movie I ever saw. I caught it after mother and stepdad #1 went to bed. Grant Cramer then became the hottest guy in the world to me and I wanted to move to California so I could be a hardbody, too! Yay!

12. Goonies (1985) - "Goonies never say die!" This was the first movie I watched where kids cussed. And I LOVED IT. Goonies comes on TNT at least once a month and I sit and recite every word of it. "Maaaan! You smell like Phys Ed!" Mouth just gives me space on Goonies Sundays.

13. Twister (1996) - I saw this movie three times in the theater. THREE TIMES. I used to be petrified of tornadoes, so to see them so realistic on the huge screen in front of me? Scared the shit out of me but I loved every minute of it.

14. Stripes (1981) - HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE 'STRIPES'? Raz-zle daz-zle! That's all I have to say. Well, that and jello wrestling.

15. Spies Like Us (1985) - Loved this movie so much I named my freelance site after it - 'Scribes Like Us'. (Also thanks to the suggestion of my friend Joanna. ;)) I played the movie for Mouth when he was around nine and he loved it. "Show some balls, man!" "I think it's too late to try and impress them." Hee hee.....

16. Porky's (1982) - (Again, please consult italic note after #3) This movie utterly confused me but I just LIKED IT. I had to watch it dozens of times, and didn't quite get the meaning of everything until high school, but it totally makes my Top 20.

17. The Big Chill (1983) - I appreciated this movie more as I got older. It resonated with me as I saw my college friends grow up and start families and become...adults. Sad!!!

18. Home For The Holidays (1995) - Unlike 'National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation', this movie felt more like my holidays home from college. And it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside to realize I'm not the only one with a shit-ton of crazy in the gene pool.

19. Key Largo (1948) - Just like Audrey, Humphrey Bogart is my idol. I have nearly every movie he made and my faves are the ones he filmed with Lauren Bacall. I think I lived in Florida in a few of my past lives because I have been drawn to the place since I could begin to imagine it.

20. Real Genius (1985) - I love Val Kilmer. Even though he's now bloated and kinda gross looking, Val is one of my 'Top Three' (married couples know what I mean.) This movie introduced me to one of my fave lines I still say today: "You still run?" "Only when chased."

I've seen movies through the years that make me laugh, make me cry, make me pee my pants with fear - but these are the ones that make me feel like I'm home.

Home being watching R-rated movies on the stepdad's premium channels, natch.

Puppy Lesson Number 2

I think Ted the pup is sexually confused and Moe the cat is gay. Which is OKAY in our household...except for our poor old female kitty Toph. She is still trying to figure out why a dog is humping a cat. And why the cat is okay with it.

And here I thought I'd only be responsible for Mouth's therapy. Now I have to budget for a dog and two cats?

I totally need a good job with benefits. STAT.

Welcome To Arm Pit, Illinois

Mother called me because she found a "cute little farmers market!" a few blocks down the road from Kroger's. Did I want her to pick me up some fresh vegetables or fruit? Sure! I love locally grown food. It's fresher and tastes better than store-bought produce.

Mother: "Here ya go! I got you some tomatoes, corn and onions. I also picked you up some kiwis!"

Me: "Kiwis? Locally grown...in Illinois?"

I pulled the corn out of the bag - which looked fine - but as I pulled the tomatoes out it dawned on me why the "cute little farmers market" sold kiwis.

Me: "So, was there just one 'farmer' at this market or were there more?"

Mother: "There was just one guy. He didn't really look like a farmer but he had a pickup truck with everything in the back."

Me: "Ma. He wasn't a farmer."

Mother: "How do you know? You think you know everything BUT YOU DON'T."

Me: "Ma. His tomatoes have PLU stickers on them. And I don't know about you but I'VE never seen a kiwi tree or vine or whatever hell else they grow on in Central Illinois."

Mother: "Well."

Me: "Is this where I've moved? That a 'farmers market' is actually a dude named Randy who steals produce from Kroger's and sells it out of the back of his truck?"

Mother: "YES. AND I'M PROUD TO LIVE HERE!"

I think I need to be put back on my meds. Or on an IV drip of chardonnay.

Just Another Monday In The Riches To Rags Household

Have you ever had one of those moments where everything just cosmically comes together? A time when things you would never EVER consider doing just suddenly feels right? (And no, I'm not referring to alcohol-fueled hot sex, which is usually what comes out of my "cosmically coming together" revelations.) The last 24 hours has completely upended my world...but I know my life is going to be so much better because of it.

Ready? You sure?

I just quit my job and pulled my son out of school. I am going to homeschool him for the rest of the year.

I KNOW, RIGHT??? And I was sober the whole time!

Although I loved the little part time job I held in the ER, it was becoming increasingly difficult to keep up. I won't go into details but I would come home exhausted, miserable and unable to even cook dinner for myself and my child. I was physically and mentally spent. My managers were aware of my concerns - but I finally realized I wasn't the person I was six months ago. I had become a grumpy, exhausted, pain in the ass and it was ruining the relationships around me. Last night, I chose my health and mental well-being over the paltry money I was earning at my job and gave my notice.

My child is no angel. He's very bright with a reading/comprehension level equal to almost a senior in high school (although his math skills are horrid - definitely his mama's child!) He already knows most of what is taught in school and finishes his work early - which is when he gets into trouble. He gets bored easily and likes to make others laugh, much to the chagrin of his teacher.

Today, after his teacher told the class to stop talking, Mouth was whispering to a girl next to him. The teacher commanded him to sit in the hallway (because he learns SO MUCH in the hours he spends in the hallway each week.) He was angry and slammed the classroom door behind him. Big mistake. He then spent the rest of the day sitting in a fourth grade classroom with a dictionary, a piece of paper and a pencil, with strict instructions to start copying every word from the book.

(BTW, kudos to my child for not saying, "Really? I already have a vocabulary that rivals if not exceeds yours. Don't you think YOU should be the one studying a dictionary???" because that's what I totally would have said!)

He was humiliated, which I believe was his teacher's intent. When Mouth told me about his day, that cosmic voice said, "Do it." I called the principal and told him I was pulling my son from school. He wisely agreed.

SO! Big changes over the last day or so but I feel good about them. I listened to my gut and made decisions based on what felt right to me.

And right now my gut is chanting, "Chardonnay! Chardonnay!"

Yes, He IS Only Twelve Years Old

After leaving the visitation of a 16-year-old who died as a result of a heroin overdose:

Me: "So. That was pretty sad, huh?"

Mouth: "Yeah."

Me: "This is why I don't want you to ever mess with drugs. Doesn't matter if you're young, old, rich, poor - drugs will kill you."

Mouth: "I know. And I don't care how much money I have when I grow up, I'm not getting into drugs PERIOD."

Me: "Good boy."

Mouth: "Hoes are another story, though."

Me: "........."

Mouth: "What???"

Me: "Who are you?"