Neighborly Love

Hey, lady in the apartment two doors down from me...

Throwing food over your little back fence and into our neighbor's yard is tacky. So what if you're feeding rabbits or wildlife or whatever the hell lives in Betty's yard, Betty has to look out every night after dinner and see food thrown in her yard. You have a garbage can as well as a nasty boyfriend who looks like he would eat raw sewage if given the chance.

Rude, rude, tacky.

Btw, when I take my dog out back he licks clean your spatula that's hanging off your grill.

And I let him.

Welcome to the neighborhood.

Professional Tip #542

If you're emailing someone you don't personally know, and you can't tell from their name if they are male or female - DON'T PUT MR. BEFORE THE LAST NAME.

And it's ALWAYS a man who does it. Ignorant douchebags.

*Is it obvious I've received more than one "Dear Mr. Rags" emails this week? Didn't think so...

I Hate It When...

I'm digging through my coin purse for soda money, and I only have like one quarter so then I move on to dimes. I find five dimes so then I move on to nickels...and I'm mentally counting the change until I hit $1.35...and then I find a quarter and HAVE TO START MY COUNTING ALL OVER AGAIN.

I know, I know. First-world problems.

Angels and Donkeys

This is an ad on my Facebook page. I have a few issues.

Beyond my usual ones.

First, does this mean the chick with the huge ass is ugly? I mean, I can't see her face. She could be Kim Kardashian, who has a pretty face but a hella huge ass. In fact, I know a few guys who would appreciate that onion REGARDLESS of her face. Girl, work that Donkey Booty!!! (And yes, I'm Team Phaedra...)

Second, ugly girls "need love too"? So do ugly guys. And douchebags. And gay people. Go marriage equality! We ALL need love. This implies that ugly women don't get love, which is totally wrong because I, as a single woman, notice a LOT of ugly women who are married. Which pisses me off until I think, "Would I marry her husband? Hell to the NO." Case closed.

Lastly, her ass ain't that bad. I mean, yeah it's gargantuan - but do YOU see cellulite? I sure don't, and THAT'S a miracle of God with that junk in the trunk. This woman is either photoshopped or an angel.

Holy shit.

IT'S KIM KARDASHIAN'S GUARDIAN ANGEL.

Happy Birthday!

Thirteen years ago today my life changed for the better (well...MOST days it's for the better!) Not much of a difference having a teenager in the house as he's acted like a 21-year-old frat guy since about age 10.

Happy birthday, Mouth. Ted and I love ya!