Car Wash of Death

Apparently when I was young, I was petrified of the car wash. My mom would drive 15 minutes out of the way to drop me off at my dad's house, drive through the car wash, then drive 15 minutes to pick me up and go home. She occasionally teased me through the years about my fear of the automatic car wash, which I endured because my mother is a mean old troll. I would then tease her about driving a half hour out of her way just to get her car washed, which she endured because I'm an ungrateful bitch.

Yesterday was an unseasonably warm day here so I decided to run my jalopy through the car wash. Obviously I've been through numerous car washes in my adult life with no problems so I puttered on up the street a few blocks to the nearest car wash.

It was a cool little place. It had a doggie wash room on one side, a few self-wash stalls in the middle, and a big glass automatic car wash on the end. As I pulled up to the payment kiosk, I noticed the floor-to-ceiling spinning brushes like car washes from the 80s. Didn't they pretty much eliminate those because they scratched cars or something? Everything's "touchfree" now, right? Then I realized you had the option of "Touchfree" or "Softtouch". Cool! It's like an old-time car wash! So I selected "Softtouch" and pulled forward, ready to relive a part of my youth. FUN!!!

Holy. Shitballs.

NO WONDER MY MOTHER WENT 30 MINUTES OUT OF HER WAY WHEN SHE WASHED HER CAR.

I pulled in and the brushes started spinning. Suddenly, my car started shaking. Dude. I don't drive a Prius. I own a Jeep Commander. It's a pretty solid car that doesn't get too easily rattled. But this thing was SHAKING. Then I saw them. The monstrous, dark, flopping FINGERS OF DEATH hitting my car from behind. I started recording with my phone because there was no way Mother would believe this car wash tried to kill me.

* Side note, I didn't realize I made any noises during this experience until I played back the video. In fact, I don't think it was me because it sounds nothing like my voice. It's a weird strangled type noise that I'm pretty sure was just feedback or something. Including at the end, when it said, "Say go! Say go! Say go!"

Ding Dong Installs A Doorbell

Mom: "I installed your new doorbell today but I only hooked up the ding, not the dong."

Me: "Har har."

Mom: "What? I'm serious. There were three wires but I could only find where to hook up two of them. So your doorbell goes ding but not dong. I guess that other wire was the dong. Can you live with just the ding?"

Me: "Was I adopted?"

Good News, Bad News...Part 2

Good news? My bank is so awesome - they detected suspicious activity on my check card and called me on a Sunday afternoon to verify the nearly $120 in iTunes purchases charged to me that day. Debbie, from the bank's fraud department, was very kind in helping me uncover who used my check card to make all those app purchases.

Bad news? Mouth is grounded until he's married.