The One Called 'Mouth'

Mouth: "What's a bimbo?"

Me: "Chicks with like, big boobs and no brains."

Mouth: "Oh. I thought those were called blondes."

(Best part? He was totally serious.)

Balance

I HATE confrontation. I have yet to learn how to succesfully toe the line between being mature and ladylike and being a bitch and telling the asshole to f*ck off. I'm just not good with dancing between tact and bitchiness so I usually end up getting walked on and fuming about the encounter for days.

There's a woman at work who just started on our shift. Everyone went on and on about how awesome she was, how everyone loved her, how they HATED to see her move to first shift. I thought, fab! Can't wait to meet her!

Yeah. My very first encounter with her was mostly her being nasty to me. So of course when I am attacked out of the blue from someone I never expected to attack me, I freeze. I said, "Oh. Okay. I'll just go back to my area. Thanks!" Naturally, five minutes later I thought of all the things I should have said (which mostly involved the words "bitch" and "asshole".)

Second encounter, she butted into a conversation I was having with someone else claiming I was wrong about the issue of discussion. I calmly stood by my point but she didn't back down. I finally walked away, perplexed about how so many people liked her yet she's a total bitch to me for NO REASON.

Latest encounter, she verbally attacked - and I mean ATTACKED - me, chastising me for something I did. She just chewed me up and down before spitting me back out. And not only was she dead wrong in her argument but she had no place laying into me for anything! So I totally took the high road and responded, "Yeah, well, you do...." and let loose with something she does that I feel is wrong.

I know. Very mature of me.

So I have been Googling and looking through books on how to effectively deal with assholes. Most of the advice ranges from completely ignoring the asshole to going to the asshole and letting them know how you feel.

"Asshole, when you attack me, it makes me feel...." or "Asshole, what can I do to make our working relationship better?"

Granted, that's the mature route to go but DAMMIT I don't want to kowtow and be all "what can I change to make you happier with me?" I want to stick up for myself without looking like a raving lunatic!

And that is the balance I seek.

Mouth is having issues with a few boys at school. They tease him, call him names so he defends himself (wrongly) by calling them names right back. And of course the teacher only hears what Mouth says or someone tells on him. I've advised him to completely ignore the boys, and they will get bored and move on to a new target.

(However, a teeny little part of me wants him to say, "Listen dickheads. You think you're perfect? Your mom is orange from all the tanning she does. She looks like a f*cking handbag. And you? You're 30 pounds smaller and 4 inches shorter than the average sixth grader. Is your dad a troll or something? BACK OFF BITCHES." But as much as I would enjoy that, I would NOT enjoy the call from the principal that I would invariably get because little Emily overheard everything.)

Again, the balance. I try to think of a comeback that if said to me wouldn't piss me off but rather make me see what a bitch I'm being. I'm thinking the next time the woman at work is nasty to me I'll politely ask, "Asshole, do you attack everyone you work with or just me?" Maybe that'll stop her for a second and she'll realize I feel she's been attacking me.

Yeah right. She'll prolly start throwing things at me. To which I will calmly and maturely pick the thrown objects up and start throwing them back at her whilst calling her names only a truck driver would love.

Anyone have any tips you use to deal with assholes? How do you balance being assertive without being aggressive?

Thinking That.....

If you've been calling your kid the wrong name all day, it's time for a break.

True story.

Ello!

So sorry kids....I've been away creating a website for someone. Did I mention I freelance with writing and web design? (Well, more like I freelance with writing and wing it with web design. But I'm actually not half bad!)

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If you or any of your loved ones, friends, coworkers, neighbors, or random people you meet on the street need professional help with writing...STUFF (i.e., brochures, letters, web advice, just about anything else genius is needed) then contact me!

www.scribeslikeus.com

I've now finished the website and am back to my regularly programmed snarky self.

Hallelujah!

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

My phone rang as I was driving to work this morning. It was Mother, of course. I JUST left her so she knows I'm not there yet...and she would never put me in jeopardy by distracting me while driving so it must be an emergency, right????

Mother: "How do you turn your Christmas lights on?"

Me: (Really???) "You plug them in."

Mother: "They ARE plugged in!"

Me: "Apparently not, since they AREN'T on!"

Mother: "Hey! Be nice. Today's my birthday."

Me: "Hey! Birthdays are no excuse for ignorance. Wait, I didn't mean it like that. I'm not saying you're ignor-"

Mother: CLICK.

Well, shit. Happy birthday, Mom!