There's More Than One Way to Skin a Cat

I have an old kitty named Toph (as in the cartoon 'Avatar', for those who never spent several hours a day watching cartoons because their child ruled the house AND the remote.) She is almost 14 years old. She's been sick for two years - essentially starving to death even though she eats like a hog. She even ate the dog's food, which confused him more than pissed him off.

I have spent several hundred dollars in recent weeks trying to help her feel better and find what's ailing her. The vet can't figure it out and wanted to "go invasive." I thought, she's an old kitty...she's had a good run...and I'm not dishing out two grand for her to die in exploratory surgery. So I made the decision to put her down.

The vet kept telling me how he could do this and that and send her to "the university" (???) before we finally had a 'Come to Jesus' meeting where I explained my thoughts on Toph's remaining days. He agreed with me that she was suffering, and we set the appointment for the next day.

As I sat at work that day, I was vascillating between feeling relieved because Toph would no longer be in pain (and I would no longer have to pay Mother to clean up cat diarrhea twice a day) and feeling terrible for ending a life - albeit an animal's life. Then a thought popped into my head: how much is this going to cost? Because I just spent $250 on the latest round of blood work for that dumb cat...how much will they charge me for killing her???

I started Googling (natch) and saw figures like $500. I thought, nuh UH! I'm not spending $500 to put my dying cat to sleep. She's down to only six pounds...how much sleeping medicine would it take??? So I OF COURSE turned to an expert.

My coworker, German.

(Yes, that German...of the sweater vest fame.)

Me: "German, what if the vet charges me five hundred bucks to put my cat down? I can't pay that. What do I do?"

German: "What??? You better Google that shit. Google "how to kill your cat at home". I GUARANTEE you people have not only searched that but have answers."

I couldn't do it. Not only because we were at work, and I can only imagine the warning bells going off in IT as I typed in the phrase "killing my cat" into my work computer but because she was my kitty...and I loved her...even though she went diarrhea everywhere. So I started Googling on my phone.

German: "Dude. I found it. They say the best thing is to build a CO chamber in your home. Not sure about the legality of it but still...you could tell the cops it's a pizza oven! Charge the neighbors when they need their pets killed."

Me: "Stop it!!! Wait. Here's something: 'I wonder how much money my vet's going to screw me out of if I ever have to have my little Rockmeowmadeus put to sleep when he's old and dying'..."

German: "Wait, wait, WAIT! Did you just say Rockmeowmadeus???"

Me: "Ha, yeah?"

German: "That's the BEST name! I'm going to get a cat JUST so I can name it Rockmeowmadeus."

Me: "What the hell? You don't like animals. You're Googling how to kill my cat!"

German: "I know! But that would be SO COOL!"

Needless to say, I took my kitty to the vet to be put down. They only charged $75 and were very sweet as I sobbed over her dead body because of the guilt I felt that I made the decision for her to die. But when I got home, Mouth and I agreed it was the right choice because she was miserable - and I felt much better.

Until two days later when the vet sent me a CONDOLENCE CARD. Assholes. And so ensued another round of sobbing.

Now I'm just waiting for German to get little Rockmeowmadeus. And then when his kitty gets sick I'M going to be the insensitive bastard and Google how to kill his cat at home.

Although I'm sure he will have the CO chamber already built as he would use the shit out of it as a pizza oven until it's needed.

Bless his heart.

Random Thoughts

Just got back from the grocery store. Gone are the days when I could get $90 in groceries for $7. Now I pay $90.

DAMN YOU, GAINFUL EMPLOYMENT!!!!

What A Bitch. I'm So Proud Of Her!!!

Back when Mouth was a baby, I lived in my current Armpit hometown while I finished my bachelor's degree. In fact, I lived with Mother in the same shitty apartment I now reside in.

That last sentence will keep me in therapy for two years MINIMUM.

Anyhoo, back when I lived with Mother there was an apartment building next door owned by an older couple whose son managed the apartments. Their son, Derwin, was probably 20 years older than me and had a monster crush on me. Bless his heart...I'm all into sugar daddies but this guy was CREEPY.

Fast forward 10 years, his parents have passed so he now owns the building next door (and the other buildings his parents owned.) When I moved back here nearly two years ago, Mother mentioned, "You know, Derwin owns the apartment building next door. AND he's still single! Are you sure you aren't interested???"

Well, let's see...no job, lost my house, have no life, um...nope. Still not interested in Derwin!

Fast forward two years. I've been recently reminiscing about the food stamps and state health insurance I received until I found my recent nice paying job...especially now that I have to pay for all that stuff myself again. Bummer.

Texting Mother tonight:

Me: "I'm sick of working. I need a sugar daddy. I'm happy with getting state food and medical aid while unemployed but I need someone to make my Jeep payment. Is Derwin still available?"

Mother: "Holy crap are you goofy? Derwin??? Actually yes he is available and still in love with you!"

Me: "haha no he's not! What do you think his income is? Think he'd be okay with me being a stay at home mom with a kid and a dog?"

Mother: "He is pretty rich. He wouldn't want you to work because someone might steal you away."

Me: "Sweet! I can handle that!"

Mother: "But you better buy a lot of paper bags. One for him and one for you in case his falls off."

Me: ".....Wth? Are you calling me ugly? Did you just actually say he would need a bag for me too????"

Mother: "Well...you aren't 25 anymore."

Me: "WHAT THE F*CKETY F*CK???"

Mother: "I'm kidding! I mean in case his falls off then you can't see him because you have yours on. Okay?"

Um...WHAT A BITCH!!! She just totally called me ugly! But then again, I couldn't be more proud because I'm still laughing my ass off at her audacity. I mean, we're talking about The Church Lady, people!

So proud.

*wiping tears*

But what a bitch!

Closer to Normal

I love expensive stuff.

Back when I worked for the Yellow Beast (i.e., the Corporate Devil) I had a very well-paying job. But I hated it with all my heart so I self-medicated.

With expensive goodies.

Purses, shoes, makeup, jewelry - I treated myself to pricey goodies on a regular basis.

When I lost my job, I had to lose the expensive taste as well. Out went the purses and shoes, the Tiffany credit card was cut in half, and I began buying "economical" beauty products. However, I found that more often than not "economical" was poorspeak for "shitty".

I'm sure some of you will say, "Nay, nay! Oil of Olay is economical AND wonderful!" I agree. I actually used Oil of Olay when I went poor. It did just fine. But Clarins IT IS NOT.

Now that I'm back in the belly of the beast, and therefore having actual REAL money in my checking account, I've been slowly restocking my beauty products to their original labels (my hair already sent me a Christmas card thanking me profusely for getting rid of the Pantene and buying the pricey glossing stuff I used to own.)

Today was time for me to restock my face care system. Buh bye Miss Olay! I used to switch off between Erno Laszlo and Clarins but my skin has changed a bit in the last few years and Erno is a little heavy so I decided to go with Clarins. I trotted my happy little dehydrated face to the Clarins counter and waited. And waited. But alas no Clarins chick.

"Hello? Bonjour???" (Btw, the first language of Clarins products is French. What??? I told you I liked pricey!)

No answer. Then I heard someone say, "Y'all need some help over there?" It was the Clinique girl. I told her I was interested in browsing the Clarins line and she said, "Oh honey, I don't think Fifi comes in tonight." (And no, I don't think her actual name was Fifi. However it was my first hint that I was gonna love this lady!)

Fifi never showed up so Christy the Clinique lady helped me as best she could in selecting the appropriate products for my skin. We actually had a blast trying to Google translate and decode the labels. And, bless her heart, she tried awfully hard to sell me on Clinique's 3-step system...whatever that is.

I felt bad so I finally had to lay it on the line for her. I said, "Christy, I know Clinique is a good product. Heck, I used it all through high school. But I'm gonna be honest with you. I personally believe Clarins is made from unicorn tears and leprechaun piss because when you put it on your face you just want to CRY it feels so good!!!"

That's when Christy knew she was dealing with a nutjob. But I got my Clarins!

What's next? Oh! I need my Tiffany credit card back!!! Well, maybe not. I did learn some lessons whilst broke as a hooker on Sunday.

Besides, I can always pull the pieces of my old Tiffany card out of its baggy and reminisce.

*sniff* I'm starting to feel sad. I'm gonna go wash my face. Again.

Public Service Announcement

Guys. You know that new style of jeans you wear? The dark denim with the white stitching on the back pockets and all along the seams...including the zipper area on your crotch?

PUT THEM BACK IN YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S CLOSET BECAUSE YOU LOOK STUPID.

Also because no matter what you wear with them or what you're holding (for instance, you could be holding two automatic rifles) you will look like a pansy-ass-my-balls-are-in-my-pocketbook DOUCHE CANOE.

Just sayin'.

Live Texting a Spelling Bee

Mouth made it to his school spelling bee for the fourth time but he's always a bridesmaid, never a bride. The closest he's come to winning is top ten. I joked with him this morning saying it's no big deal if he doesn't win - because if he did, he would move on to the county bee at which point some Asian kid would kick his ass. He said, "But I wanna win...just once." Awwww!

I had to work so Mother said she would attend and keep me posted. The first year she attended in my stead I told her to call me and hold the phone up so I could hear Mouth spelling. Every round she kept saying she'd call me when they got to him the next round. But when she did call, it was right when he was spelling and she was apparently holding it UNDERWATER because I couldn't hear anything. This year I suggested she text me.

Me: "Have they started yet?"

Mother: "Whew he made it thru the first round. second kid missed it."

Me: "What??? What was the first round word? Ya gotta keep me updated!"

Mother: "6 kids out first round. he made thru 2nd."

Me: "Ma! What was the second word???"

Mother: "..."

Me: "How's he doing?"

Mother: "..."

Me: "Stop ignoring me! You're a terrible live texter!!!"

Mother: "He just made it thru 3rd round. obligerate wordliness and intelligence"

Me: "Wow. I don't even know what obligerate is?"

(Side note: A 7th grade spelling bee word that I've never even heard of before? This should have been my first clue something was off.)

Mother: "They are dropping like flies now. Words are really hard."

Me: "Oh boy..."

Mother: "9 kids left. Just spelled perfectonism correctly!"

Me: "Yay! He's so smart. Gets that from me. I'm part Asian you know. And it's perfectionism."

Mother: "haha sure you are. He made it on longtude. 6 left!"

Me: "Holy cow! And it's longitude."

Mother: "Stop correcting me. 5 left!"

Me: "Fingers crossed!"

Mother: "4! Made it with unforeeable."

Me: "unforeseeable"

Mother: "3 left. uh oh hard word"

Me: "???"

Mother: "Missed on taceturn. So did next kid."

Me: "So did you. It's TACITURN."

Mother: "Do you want me to stop texting you?"

Me: "No but come on...you have 12 year olds spelling these for you!"

Mother: "Darn. Some other kid won. He just has to beat the other kid and he gets runner up."

Me: "Come on Z!"

Mother: "He spelled geogolist right!"

Me: "GEOLOGIST"

Mother: "Spelled veribage right"

Me: "VERBIAGE???"

Mother: "Stop it!!!! Oh no...nomitive is next"

Me: "wth??? I just Googled that and it isn't even a word. You mean nominative?"

Mother: "Idk. He missed and got 3rd."

Me: "Awww. Still the highest he's placed yet. Tell him I'm so proud of him!"

Mother: "I will."

Me: "btw, I'm totally gonna blog about you misspelling all the words they were spelling."

Mother: "I was trying to liaten and text, you brat!"

Me: "LISTEN!!!"

Needless to say, Mother is refusing to ever live text a spelling bee again.

Randomly Heard

"I don't wear a sweater vest often but when I do, I feel like a MAGICIAN."

I'd like to introduce you to my coworker, German. I have a feeling y'all are gonna get to know him pretty well.