Public Service Announcement

Guys. You know that new style of jeans you wear? The dark denim with the white stitching on the back pockets and all along the seams...including the zipper area on your crotch?

PUT THEM BACK IN YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S CLOSET BECAUSE YOU LOOK STUPID.

Also because no matter what you wear with them or what you're holding (for instance, you could be holding two automatic rifles) you will look like a pansy-ass-my-balls-are-in-my-pocketbook DOUCHE CANOE.

Just sayin'.

Motherly Advice: Or How I Wish My Mother Was Sweet, Like Joan Crawford

Feeling a wee bit shitty today as my house was auctioned off at noon. I would imagine it was bought by a nice banker, to whom I owe a lot of money.

In an attempt to make me feel peachy keen about losing the only home my child ever knew, Mother texted me today while I was at work:

"I was thinking you are pretty adjusted to living in my apartments for now. Spring is coming soon so maybe it would be a good time to maybe start your life in a new direction."

Ya think? Okay, I'll bite. I responded:

"Right on. I welcome your suggestions."

"Let's talk when you get home. I'll tell you my suggestions then!"

Aight. I'm open to new ideas. Let's hear it!

Me: "So...what are your suggestions?"

Mother: "Well. I think you should set a goal. Long term or short term, but definitely set a goal. And then work toward it. You'll get there! And maybe you should get back into your exercise routine again. You used to work out like six days a week. Maybe if you pick that back up again you'll feel better about yourself. But definitely set a goal and reach it!"

Holy shit. I never thought of that. A goal? To actually set A GOAL? BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN LOOKING FOR A 'REAL' JOB FOR ALMOST THREE YEARS??? But hell, A GOAL?!? Why didn't I think of that??? With groundbreaking ideas like these, she should run for public office! Lordy, good thing she's the brains of this outf...

Wait. Did she just call me fat?

Random Conversations

Mother: "I just have to throw my coat on and I'll be there - oh. Oh my..."

Me: "What? What's wrong?"

Mother: "..."

Me: "Mom? Mom, what's wrong???"

Mother: "I just looked in the mirror. I look like Nick Nolte's mugshot."

Me: "Oh my..."