What A Bitch. I'm So Proud Of Her!!!

Back when Mouth was a baby, I lived in my current Armpit hometown while I finished my bachelor's degree. In fact, I lived with Mother in the same shitty apartment I now reside in.

That last sentence will keep me in therapy for two years MINIMUM.

Anyhoo, back when I lived with Mother there was an apartment building next door owned by an older couple whose son managed the apartments. Their son, Derwin, was probably 20 years older than me and had a monster crush on me. Bless his heart...I'm all into sugar daddies but this guy was CREEPY.

Fast forward 10 years, his parents have passed so he now owns the building next door (and the other buildings his parents owned.) When I moved back here nearly two years ago, Mother mentioned, "You know, Derwin owns the apartment building next door. AND he's still single! Are you sure you aren't interested???"

Well, let's see...no job, lost my house, have no life, um...nope. Still not interested in Derwin!

Fast forward two years. I've been recently reminiscing about the food stamps and state health insurance I received until I found my recent nice paying job...especially now that I have to pay for all that stuff myself again. Bummer.

Texting Mother tonight:

Me: "I'm sick of working. I need a sugar daddy. I'm happy with getting state food and medical aid while unemployed but I need someone to make my Jeep payment. Is Derwin still available?"

Mother: "Holy crap are you goofy? Derwin??? Actually yes he is available and still in love with you!"

Me: "haha no he's not! What do you think his income is? Think he'd be okay with me being a stay at home mom with a kid and a dog?"

Mother: "He is pretty rich. He wouldn't want you to work because someone might steal you away."

Me: "Sweet! I can handle that!"

Mother: "But you better buy a lot of paper bags. One for him and one for you in case his falls off."

Me: ".....Wth? Are you calling me ugly? Did you just actually say he would need a bag for me too????"

Mother: "Well...you aren't 25 anymore."

Me: "WHAT THE F*CKETY F*CK???"

Mother: "I'm kidding! I mean in case his falls off then you can't see him because you have yours on. Okay?"

Um...WHAT A BITCH!!! She just totally called me ugly! But then again, I couldn't be more proud because I'm still laughing my ass off at her audacity. I mean, we're talking about The Church Lady, people!

So proud.

*wiping tears*

But what a bitch!