Cat Are Really Just Furry Hos

Owning a cat is like dating a psycho bitch with bipolar disorder.

Just now I scratched my cat's ear and he leaaaaaned into my hand like his life depended on it! He was like, "Yes, yes, YES! Right there, right there, don't you stop. Don't you DARE stop!!! Right, right...there...YESSSS!!!!! Okay now get the f*ck away from me. I hate you."

I'm so confused. I'm glad I could make him feel good but I don't understand why he now wants nothing to do with me.

I feel used.

Checking Mouth's Facebook

A major sign of my child growing up was when he wanted to use my birthday to create a Facebook account. That should have been my first red flag.

But I went along with it. He had some classmates on Facebook, I figured I could HEAVILY monitor...so I agreed. According to Facebook, he's now 39 years old. He wasn't really into girls so I didn't have to worry about that so I thought, What kind of trouble could he get into with his friends?

Then he tried to friend me.

Oh HELL NO.

I drew the line at that one. But from time to time I'll log into his account (oh yes, Mama has the login info AT ALL TIMES) and monitor his Facebook activity. He doesn't post a lot- again, he's not really into girls yet...more into gaming so he's not on Facebook much. Then tonight I realized it had been quite a while since I checked into Mouth's Facebook account. So I logged in.

There wasn't much posting on his part but other kids ARE MEAN! They're all posting about their classmates being fat and stupid and teachers being ASSHOLES (yes, they were typing ASSHOLES) and it brought me back to the mean kids I knew in school. It felt good that my darling child wasn't a part of this nonsense!

And then I checked his private messages.

Apparently, he had been teasing a little girl at school who had a boyfriend. A 12-year-old with a BOYFRIEND is serious shit, ya know? So the boyfriend found out and apparently wasn't very happy with Mouth. The following snapshot is an exchange of their confrontation.


Bad kid: "Wanna fight?'

Mouth: "Ya les go bro. Imma gonna PWN your ass!"

Bad kid: "Omfg. OK. Monday."

Mouth: "Nah, I'm busy on Monday. Gonna be doing something at recess then. I'm open Tuesday."


Hahahahaha!!!! Although I am APPALLED my child would agree to a fight, the reschedule due to recess activities CRACKS. ME. UP.

Granted, I called him down from his room to lecture him on the better ways of solving disagreements without fighting but a small part of me was proud he stuck up for himself...AND postponed the fight due to prior recess commitments.

Holy hell. I'm still tearing up from laughing!

Reincarnation Before Death?

The song "Royals" by Lorde. I like it. It's catchy. She's pretty, AMAZING voice, only 16 years old. But then I Googled her...and found a video of her singing live.

It's like Joe Cocker reincarnated in Rebecca Gayheart's body. Wait, is he dead yet? Good Lord. Her people need to do something about that. It's kinda ruined the song for me a little. It's like Googling "Lemon Party".

Just.

Don't.

Do.

It.

In case you want to ruin it for yourself, I've included the link below. But I am NOT including the Lemon Party link. That's all on you.

Ode to Lay's Potato Chips

You know when you open a bag of Lay's chips and the curled-over ones are on top?

I love those folded chips.

They're like miniature tacos. The way they curl over onto themselves is just delicious and...magical.

But they're only on top. Why are they only on top?

Hmmmm.......

On A Serious Note

I went to a funeral today for a little baby who died two weeks before his due date. Somehow his cord got knotted by his belly and cut off his life from his mother. It's apparently quite rare, which doesn't make his mom feel any less guilty.

His mother is on state aid. Thankfully, the state picked up the tab for the service and the plot and the tiny little white casket he was buried in. There should never be caskets that tiny. However, they didn't pay for the headstone. Apparently, they never do. As I stood behind his mom while the pastor blessed him and said the awful words of "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust" I looked out over the "Public Aid Baby Cemetary" and saw a handful of plastic spikes with namecards on them - those are the babies whose parents couldn't afford a headstone.

I always wanted to win the lottery so I could buy a sweet house in Florida or a Mercedes Benz SUV like the Jenner/Kardashians. Now I just want to win it so I can start a savings account to give those babies headstones.

I'd like to think I made a difference today by offering to buy baby Jace's headstone for my friend. It's a small offering but the other nametag garden spikes still haunt me...

Furry Little F*cker

Okay, I can admit when I'm an asshole.

I'm an asshole.

In the past, whenever I would see or hear friends lamenting about their dogs - whether they were sick or they died - I'd be all "Awww...so sad!" and then think, "Dude. It's a dog. Get over it, have kids, and feel REAL life."

And then I met Ted.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. I love this stupid dog so much. He reminds me of my son when he was one year old, which was a HORRIBLE TIME because Mouth couldn't tell me if his tummy was hurting or if he was tired or whatever he was feeling. I was so happy when he started talking so I could help him feel better no matter what was bothering him.

And now I'm stuck in a perpetual time warp of loving a baby who can't tell me if his tummy hurts or if he's hungry (well, actually, he does a reallllly good job of telling me he's hungry!) I knew probably five years ago I wasn't going to have any more children, which I was cool with - and then I got Ted. He's my baby. My buddy. He follows me everywhere (except the bathroom - he stops at the threshold because he ain't dumb...he knows that's where BATHS HAPPEN.) He's sleeping against my leg as I type this blog.

I love him so much it breaks my heart because I don't ever want anything bad to happen to him...but I know I will likely outlive him. And I hate that I think about that, and I wish I could stop but he's my everything...you know?

Shit. It's probably time I started dating again, yes???

Random Quote of the Day

Nothing says 'Welcome to your new house!' like finding a pair of teeth in the bottom of your new closet.

ROOTS INTACT AND ALL.

Side note: Something this random finally didn't happen to me! It happened to a friend who also has the most random shit happen to her. She posted her find (picture and all) on her Facebook page and everyone was very comforting ("I'm sure your house is fine/burn a little sage") and I'm all, "HOLY SHIT. THAT'S AWESOME!!!!"

I'm not sure her other friends like me.

Or get my sense of humor.

F*ck 'em. THAT WAS AWESOME!!!!!