Merry Christmas, Charlie Brown

Probably around 14 years ago I spent part of my tax return on an artificial Christmas tree. I had moved back home with Mother because I was...well...KNOCKED UP and it was Christmas time so we needed a tree. Mother was always a fan of flocked trees and fancy shit of that sort but I found a great deal on a nice little artifical thing and decided we would exorcise her flocked tree demons.

I usually put up the Christmas tree the weekend after Thanksgiving (gotta deal with my holidays in order, yes?) I was literally sitting here on the Saturday after Thanksgiving thinking, "Well, hell. Gotta put the tree up this weekend. But you know what sucks? I see peeps posting effing glorious pics on Facebook of their trees. The lights are PHENOMENAL. I don't get it.  I have TWO DAMN STRANDS of lights on my tree but it still looks like a Charlie Brown Christmas tree. WTF???" At that very moment I saw a commercial for Target.

"50% OFF TREES! PRE-LIT TREES FOR $99! TODAY ONLY!!!"

Well, holy hell! Is THIS where I've gone wrong? Is pre-lit the answer??? Let's go!!!!

So I drive myself (and Mouth, kicking and screaming) up to Targhay. We found the Christmas section and there were beautiful trees on display! Pre-lit trees! Un-lit trees! OH MY WORD, TREES!

However, no trees to buy. Turns out Targhay only stocks like three trees for the lucky few who get there at 5 am. And this is no Black Friday, no way. This is SATURDAY. Bastards. I even tried to buy the display- no dice. Bless the Targhay workers' hearts. They were very sweet and helpful and admitted their corporation's marketing tactics were janky. They agreed I should take my business elsewhere.

So Mouth and I went to Walmart.

It's okay...it wasn't so bad because it was no longer Black Friday. However, the guy who helped us get the tree box down from the shelf was wearing Depends. I know this because his pants were swinging low and no one who is over like FIFTY should have pants swinging that low. Uck. Gonna need therapy for that one.

ANYHOO!!! We got a beautiful pre-lit tree. And...did I mention it was BEAUTIFUL??? I have now realized that my Facebook friends' beautiful trees were actually PRE-LIT trees. I'm so happy to finally be in the loop so I can post beautiful tree pictures on my Facebook account. Go me!!!

But we have janky ornaments. Holy hell. WHERE DO I GET PERFECT ORNAMENTS SO MY TREE LOOKS AS PERFECT AS MY FACEBOOK FRIENDS' TREES???

Good thing I avoid Pinterest. That shit would likely put me over the EDGE.