I HATE confrontation. I have yet to learn how to succesfully toe the line between being mature and ladylike and being a bitch and telling the asshole to f*ck off. I'm just not good with dancing between tact and bitchiness so I usually end up getting walked on and fuming about the encounter for days.
There's a woman at work who just started on our shift. Everyone went on and on about how awesome she was, how everyone loved her, how they HATED to see her move to first shift. I thought, fab! Can't wait to meet her!
Yeah. My very first encounter with her was mostly her being nasty to me. So of course when I am attacked out of the blue from someone I never expected to attack me, I freeze. I said, "Oh. Okay. I'll just go back to my area. Thanks!" Naturally, five minutes later I thought of all the things I should have said (which mostly involved the words "bitch" and "asshole".)
Second encounter, she butted into a conversation I was having with someone else claiming I was wrong about the issue of discussion. I calmly stood by my point but she didn't back down. I finally walked away, perplexed about how so many people liked her yet she's a total bitch to me for NO REASON.
Latest encounter, she verbally attacked - and I mean ATTACKED - me, chastising me for something I did. She just chewed me up and down before spitting me back out. And not only was she dead wrong in her argument but she had no place laying into me for anything! So I totally took the high road and responded, "Yeah, well, you do...." and let loose with something she does that I feel is wrong.
I know. Very mature of me.
So I have been Googling and looking through books on how to effectively deal with assholes. Most of the advice ranges from completely ignoring the asshole to going to the asshole and letting them know how you feel.
"Asshole, when you attack me, it makes me feel...." or "Asshole, what can I do to make our working relationship better?"
Granted, that's the mature route to go but DAMMIT I don't want to kowtow and be all "what can I change to make you happier with me?" I want to stick up for myself without looking like a raving lunatic!
And that is the balance I seek.
Mouth is having issues with a few boys at school. They tease him, call him names so he defends himself (wrongly) by calling them names right back. And of course the teacher only hears what Mouth says or someone tells on him. I've advised him to completely ignore the boys, and they will get bored and move on to a new target.
(However, a teeny little part of me wants him to say, "Listen dickheads. You think you're perfect? Your mom is orange from all the tanning she does. She looks like a f*cking handbag. And you? You're 30 pounds smaller and 4 inches shorter than the average sixth grader. Is your dad a troll or something? BACK OFF BITCHES." But as much as I would enjoy that, I would NOT enjoy the call from the principal that I would invariably get because little Emily overheard everything.)
Again, the balance. I try to think of a comeback that if said to me wouldn't piss me off but rather make me see what a bitch I'm being. I'm thinking the next time the woman at work is nasty to me I'll politely ask, "Asshole, do you attack everyone you work with or just me?" Maybe that'll stop her for a second and she'll realize I feel she's been attacking me.
Yeah right. She'll prolly start throwing things at me. To which I will calmly and maturely pick the thrown objects up and start throwing them back at her whilst calling her names only a truck driver would love.
Anyone have any tips you use to deal with assholes? How do you balance being assertive without being aggressive?
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1 comment:
If possible, use your height to advantage. Pull your shoulders up and back to stand tall and proud. Raise an eyebrow, give her a haughty look that clearly says "you are such an inferior subject that you rank slightly below the dog shit that I scraped off my shoe this morning." Couple that with a tone of voice that is firm, slightly irritated but not raised in anger and a simple statement of fact like "THAT is NOT an appropriate way to speak to me. When you'd like to discuss the subject like a professional, feel free to find me." Then walk away.
Be prepared though. She may follow. If she does, refuse to engage. Do NOT open your mouth. Walk directly to your supervisor or those who hold her in such high regard so that if she chooses to continue her verbal attack you have clear proof that SHE is the one creating the issue -- not you. My guess is that, when she realizes she will have to continue with an audience, she will either stop or change her attitude. She may not be worried about your opinion right now, but she's worried about theirs. To have gotten such rave reviews from others, she obviously isn't treating them the way she's treating you.
If she complains to your supervisor, you have nothing to be ashamed of. "The way she talked to me was abusive and hostile. I told her it was not professional and I walked away. I didn't want this to become an issue you had to deal with, but I'm not willing to be abused while trying to do my job. This is not the first time she has attacked me in this way."
What you've described sounds like someone who, based on your first encounter, thinks you're an easy target. You haven't mentioned whether she is your equal or superior in the food chain there, which does make a difference. If she's your superior, she may just be one of those people who likes to heap abuse on her subordinates while kissing ass with equals/superiors. (Hmmm...bet you can think of a boss I used to have that was like that. Give you a hint, little blond cheerleader.)
If she's your equal, she may be trying to place herself above you in the pecking order.
you know, like a dog pissing in a yard to mark it's territory. Either way, it's not OK and you don't have to put up with that in a workplace.
She's entitled to her opinion just like you are, (2nd encounter) but she's not entitled to abuse you with it. "We'll just have to agree to disagree." The minute you start defending your position (assuming you've stated it clearly the first time), you're playing her game. If you're repeating yourself and feeling like you've been put on the defensive, you've crossed the line between a lively intellictual discussion and a power play.
The hardest part is not reacting emotionally. Your gut's only going to recognize that your feelings are hurt and want to react to that. Get your brain involved and get to the core of it -- Recognize and then state the problem -- it's the way she is talking to you that creates the problem.
Hope that helps. Mean people suck.
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