Car Wash of Death

Apparently when I was young, I was petrified of the car wash. My mom would drive 15 minutes out of the way to drop me off at my dad's house, drive through the car wash, then drive 15 minutes to pick me up and go home. She occasionally teased me through the years about my fear of the automatic car wash, which I endured because my mother is a mean old troll. I would then tease her about driving a half hour out of her way just to get her car washed, which she endured because I'm an ungrateful bitch.

Yesterday was an unseasonably warm day here so I decided to run my jalopy through the car wash. Obviously I've been through numerous car washes in my adult life with no problems so I puttered on up the street a few blocks to the nearest car wash.

It was a cool little place. It had a doggie wash room on one side, a few self-wash stalls in the middle, and a big glass automatic car wash on the end. As I pulled up to the payment kiosk, I noticed the floor-to-ceiling spinning brushes like car washes from the 80s. Didn't they pretty much eliminate those because they scratched cars or something? Everything's "touchfree" now, right? Then I realized you had the option of "Touchfree" or "Softtouch". Cool! It's like an old-time car wash! So I selected "Softtouch" and pulled forward, ready to relive a part of my youth. FUN!!!

Holy. Shitballs.

NO WONDER MY MOTHER WENT 30 MINUTES OUT OF HER WAY WHEN SHE WASHED HER CAR.

I pulled in and the brushes started spinning. Suddenly, my car started shaking. Dude. I don't drive a Prius. I own a Jeep Commander. It's a pretty solid car that doesn't get too easily rattled. But this thing was SHAKING. Then I saw them. The monstrous, dark, flopping FINGERS OF DEATH hitting my car from behind. I started recording with my phone because there was no way Mother would believe this car wash tried to kill me.

* Side note, I didn't realize I made any noises during this experience until I played back the video. In fact, I don't think it was me because it sounds nothing like my voice. It's a weird strangled type noise that I'm pretty sure was just feedback or something. Including at the end, when it said, "Say go! Say go! Say go!"

Ding Dong Installs A Doorbell

Mom: "I installed your new doorbell today but I only hooked up the ding, not the dong."

Me: "Har har."

Mom: "What? I'm serious. There were three wires but I could only find where to hook up two of them. So your doorbell goes ding but not dong. I guess that other wire was the dong. Can you live with just the ding?"

Me: "Was I adopted?"

Good News, Bad News...Part 2

Good news? My bank is so awesome - they detected suspicious activity on my check card and called me on a Sunday afternoon to verify the nearly $120 in iTunes purchases charged to me that day. Debbie, from the bank's fraud department, was very kind in helping me uncover who used my check card to make all those app purchases.

Bad news? Mouth is grounded until he's married.

Motherly Advice: Or How I Wish My Mother Was Sweet, Like Joan Crawford

Feeling a wee bit shitty today as my house was auctioned off at noon. I would imagine it was bought by a nice banker, to whom I owe a lot of money.

In an attempt to make me feel peachy keen about losing the only home my child ever knew, Mother texted me today while I was at work:

"I was thinking you are pretty adjusted to living in my apartments for now. Spring is coming soon so maybe it would be a good time to maybe start your life in a new direction."

Ya think? Okay, I'll bite. I responded:

"Right on. I welcome your suggestions."

"Let's talk when you get home. I'll tell you my suggestions then!"

Aight. I'm open to new ideas. Let's hear it!

Me: "So...what are your suggestions?"

Mother: "Well. I think you should set a goal. Long term or short term, but definitely set a goal. And then work toward it. You'll get there! And maybe you should get back into your exercise routine again. You used to work out like six days a week. Maybe if you pick that back up again you'll feel better about yourself. But definitely set a goal and reach it!"

Holy shit. I never thought of that. A goal? To actually set A GOAL? BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN LOOKING FOR A 'REAL' JOB FOR ALMOST THREE YEARS??? But hell, A GOAL?!? Why didn't I think of that??? With groundbreaking ideas like these, she should run for public office! Lordy, good thing she's the brains of this outf...

Wait. Did she just call me fat?

Heart Attack In 3...2...1...

I'm at work and my phone buzzes in my pocket. It's a local number so I answer:

Me: "Hello?"

Her: "Hi. This is the Pekin Police Department."

Me: "I'm gonna kill him. If he's okay, I'm gonna kill him."

Her: "I'm sorry?"

Me: "Oh, I'm sorry. Hi?"

Her: "I'm looking for the resident of 1113 South **** Street. Are you that resident?"

Me: "No, I live at 1311 South **** Street."

Her: "Oh, sorry. We must have switched the numbers. Have a good day!"

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH HIS TEEN YEARS, AM I?

You Know You Work In The ER When...

you discover your thumbnail covered in blood and pray to God it's your own.

Good times. Goooooood times.

A Glimpse Of The Teen Years

Yesterday Mouth and I ran into a 13-year-old neighbor kid who was sporting a silver hoop pierced through his lip.

Me: "Oh my. Did you see August's lip???"

Mouth: "Yeah. It's kinda cool."

Me: "!!!!!!!"

Mouth: "Oh, don't worry. I don't want one."

Me: "Phew! Good boy."

Mouth: "But a chin stud on the other hand..."


I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH HIS TEEN YEARS, AM I?