Bumper Sticker Sighting

On a silver minivan:

"If You're Gonna Ride My Ass, At Least Pull My Hair"

Good one, Mom.

Phew!

Thank GAWD they didn't have this when I was 22 years old...

http://eater.com/archives/2011/01/17/scotch-whiskey-in-a-can-contains-eight-shots-of-whiskey.php

Thinking That......

My month-long free Encore subscription is allowing me to take a second look at "classics". And I do NOT understand the 90s fascination with Geena Davis. She's pale, has an overbite and really bad hair. How the hell did she get such good roles? She must have quite the sparkling personality (read: Easy. Or a witch.)

Maybe I'm being too harsh. This is prolly coming from my not being gainfully employed. And my three years with braces. My mom could have saved a TON of money if we'd known my underbite could have furthered my career.

Hell, maybe if I sold my flat iron and quit wearing my retainer I could be a SUPERSTAR!!!! *smelling hands from armpits*

Randomly Heard

"I can't hear or see you very well. Can you come over here and take the Helen Keller out of my job? Thanks, hon."

Good News, Bad News

Email exchange:

The Kid's teacher: "Hi, Ms. Shute. Zane won our classroom spelling bee today so he will represent our class in the school-wide spelling bee. But unfortunately, he was suspended from recess because he was teasing some girls on the way to PE by calling them drug dealers."

Me: "Great! And...great."

Thinking That......

I need to invent a device much like a canine barking shock collar, but for kids. Every time the brat mouths off he gets a BZZT! Not only would I make millions but I could finally get off my Wellbutrin.

And kick my drinking habit.

Resolutions and Other Bullshit

Well, here we are again: the end of the year and ready to start anew. And even though this means we are getting closer to the Mayan DAY OF DOOM, I'm looking forward to putting this shit-filled shitty year behind me.

I'm not much on resolutions. It's like saying, "I'll start my diet on Monday so I can destroy my body this weekend" and then Monday comes and the only thing that sounds good with your weekend hangover is a greasy cheeseburger and fries.

SO. No resolutions from me. But I do hope 2011 has better mojo because if I have another suck-ass year like this one, I'm totally turning into one of those crazy assholes who stand on street corners preaching about the impending DAY OF DOOM...and hoping it comes swift and painless.

I wish all of you good health, great wealth and much happiness in 2011.

(Actually, I just want all that for myself. But for you guys, I wish for more comments on here...)

Cheers!