Okay, Pinocchio

A sure sign of a shady person? They lie real well. And I'm not talking, Um, DUH! Shady people are used to lying so they can totally keep their stories straight! I'm talking, "I really truly wished I could have been there this evening but my grandmother was taking my daughter to Target and this dude in a red Camaro smashed into their car! They were both transported to the hospital in c-collars, which my mother HATED, but they were thankfully released 3 1/2 hours later with only bruises and scrapes!"

Total bullshit.

I have a pretty good bullshit detector. My gaydar is waaay off but my bullshit detector? SPOT ON. I don't know if it's from all the jackasses I've dated or from all the bullshit I've dished out but I've learned: the more detailed the story, the more bullshit it is.

My mom owns a few apartments in a little town where no one moves on purpose - know what I mean? You don't move here...you END UP here (like me!) Anyhoo, she gets some real inneresting people trying to rent from her and, bless her heart, she tries so hard to find good tenants.

Last week, she had a lady interested in a vacant apartment. She was a welder (not judging) with a motorcycle (okay, totally judging.) She was supposed to bring her deposit and first month's rent on Saturday afternoon. The woman didn't show for her appointment but Mother texted me later with, "The girl worked late and completely forgot about our appointment!" I'm like, Hmmmm. Okay. Personally, if I was desperate for a place to live I wouldn't forget about meeting my new landlord but okay. Benefit of the doubt!

"She's going to meet me at 7pm. Yay!"

6:30pm: "The woman who wants the apt called about 15 mins ago and said she was on her way in. She just called again crying and said she just got a call that her daughter was on her way to Walmart when she had an accident. Some old lady rammed into her and she veered off into a corn field. The woman was heading back to go to the hospital. I feel so badly for her!"

Really? Hmmmmm....

Color me distrustful but I'd bet my life savings (which is like, five dollars) that this woman is shady. S.h.a.d.y. SHADY.

"Don't call her. If she calls back, make her wait two days before you meet with her again. Guarantee you she won't call back cause shady people don't like to wait."

Poor mother, who may actually believe OJ was innocent, didn't understand. So I explained that shady people like to be in control. They want what they want, when they want it. So she agreed to wait a few days.

Fast forward four days. Nada. Nothing. TOLD YOU SO!!!! Apartment is still vacant.

And thank GAWD because that chick would have moved in next door to me. Next door to the apartment I live in because I had to move here.

And I'm a bullshitter with a lot of time on my hands...so potential tenants BEWARE.

A Little Perspective

When I was 18 years old, I sold my chemistry book for beer money. When Jewel was 18 years old, she wrote this song.

Wow. Just...wow.

Ragsville

In my hypothetical town, I would require drive-thru establishments to post a standard list of rules. You no follow the rules, you no get food!

If you aren't sure what you want, GO INSIDE to peruse the menu. The people behind you know what they want to order. (Side note: This will happen at McDonald's. I will literally roll my window down and say, 'Yo! It's McDonald's. Most of the menu hasn't changed since 1954. Get on with it!)

Have your money ready at the window. Meaning, don't count out $4.82 in exact dimes and nickels.

If the line is steadily moving, don't put your car in park every time you stop. It's super annoying to have to wait for you to put your car into drive every 5 seconds.

PAY ATTENTION. If the car in front of you moves, you must move!

We all know it sucks balls to order Chicken McNuggets only to get home and find a Filet o' Fish. However, either give your sack a cursory glance or PULL OVER to inspect your food.

No one over age 75 allowed.

Hmmm.....

Why does my grocery store stock cans of tomatoes not with the canned fruits or canned vegetables - where a normal person would look for it - but in the spaghetti aisle?

Perhaps they figure all canned tomatoes will turn into pasta dishes? Or perhaps they just like to SCREW WITH PEOPLE? In which case they won, as today I stood in the canned fruits and vegetables aisle yelling, "Seriously. SERIOUSLY? If tomatoes aren't a fruit or a vegetable, then what the hell are they?!?!"

Grocery Store 1, Rags 0

Bless His Heart

Mouth told me I was "the best mom in the whole world!"

Poor little guy. He wouldn't know a homemade chocolate chip cookie if it bit him on his ass.

Lawn Mowers Are SO Yesterday

Mouth: "Wouldn't it be cool if our lawn was emo? Then it would cut itself!"

Me: "Ha!!! Wait...how do you know about that?"

Mouth: "Psht. PuhLEASE. I'm going into sixth grade."

Me: "....."

Mouth: "But what does emo mean?"

Me: "It means no more internet after 7 pm."

Reality TV Moment

I admit it...I LURVE reality tv. I've been following reality trash since Real World in New York (first season, natch!) The worst part is there are certain shows I really try not to like...but then I happen to watch one episode at 3 am and then I MUST FIND OUT WHO WINS (e.g., The Bachelor, Top Chef, Shear Genius.)

I've been riding the reality wave with joy but my worst fear is it will go south. And by south, I mean Jake Pavelka as 'The Bachelor'.

Slowly I'm seeing my cherished reality shows go down the tubes...if that is possible. Examples:

• The Bachelorette: The Bachelor was so obviously sexist that producers smartly started offering America's fave chick (who usually got dumped by Prince Charming in the Bachelor finale) a chance at love through 'The Bachelorette'. Very smart move. Trista met Ryan, they had 2 kids...YAY! Fast forward to Jillian. And Ashley. These days, just because a girl is the runner up doesn't mean she's hot. I think Bachelor producers got a little full of themselves and started casting without polling America. No surprise that ratings are waaaay down.



• Real Housewives of New York: Gawd, I love these ladies. I've been following them since day one. However, the recent reunion show was almost too much. They are all sick of one another by this point and I don't blame them. I'd pay deeply to bitch slap every single one of them. Including Jill. Twice.



• Real World/Road Rules: The pioneers of reality garbage. What started out as social experiments has turned into drunken fueled drama amongst 20somethings who obviously have never held gainful employment. I miss Julie, Eric, Kat, Mark and the MTV Winnie.



• Sixteen and Pregnant/Teen Mom: I wish I had seen either one of these shows in high school. Or college. Jesus, I never would have had unprotected sex...or really sex AT ALL...if I had watched the trials and tribulations of Farrah, Amber, and Maci. As a single mom, I have a tough time watching new seasons. I totally yell at the tv like, "Don't trust that little shit! He'll leave you once he realizes newborns don't sleep for more than two hours at a time!" And "He's not waking up at night to change diapers? Don't let that douchebag sleep! WAKE HIS ASS UP!" And "Oh, you think you'll go on to college with a baby because come on, a baby isn't a big deal?!? Good luck with that!"
  



• Jersey Shore: So awful you just HAVE to love it! I'm totally fist pumping as I type this.



• Keeping Up With The Kardashians: Who? Wait...how the hell are these girls famous again??? I have a big ass. Where's my reality show?????? Never watched it, never will.

Wanna know how pathetic I am when it comes to reality crap? I was up late one night and found a show called, "Groomer Has It". It was a reality competition among dog groomers. I literally sat there and thought, "What the hell has this world come to when we showcase the lives of dog groomers???" But damn it to hell if I didn't watch the whole season because I HAD TO KNOW WHO WON. (Bee tee dub, Huber TOTALLY deserved the win!)

I'm self diagnosing here (and yes, the grammar dick in me is annoyed my hyphen still doesn't work) but I think I love reality crap because....my life has been upended and SUCKY the last few years. It makes me feel a little better to see other people's lives go down in flames, too. But thankfully they're not people I know personally because then I would feel like shit for them.

So until I work my life out to supreme happiness, I will remain addicted to reality garbage.

Except for Charm School. I'm totally a fan of throwing bitches under the bus to screw Brett Michaels but having Sharon Osbourne chastise the manners of girls with neck tattoos? That's a bit much.

Even for my trashy mind.