Clean Up in Aisle 9

I don't mean to be insensitive but if you don't know how to use the self scanner at the grocery store then DO NOT GET IN THE SELF-SCAN LANE. I always get stuck behind Marge and Leroy, who not only can barely hear each other, but have obviously never been exposed to machinery such as the ultra complicated self-scanner.

(After waving a box of food over the scanner 7-10 times)"MARGE. MARGE. THIS BOX OF HAMBURGER HELPER WON'T BEEP."

"LEROY, YOU HAVE TO FIND THE BLACK LINES."

"I DID, MARGE. THE DAMN THING STILL WON'T WORK."

I mean, really? How hard is it? It's not like we all went to checker school. Most of us went to the grocery store with our moms when we were young and then imitated the checker with our own canned goods at home.

"JESUS, MARGE. HOW THE HELL IS THIS THING SUPPOSED TO WORK?"

And then we hear the triumphant BEEP. FINALLY. Then another BEEP.

"LEROY, YOU SCANNED IT TWICE."

"I KNOW I SCANNED IT TWICE, MARGE. I DON'T KNOW HOW THE HELL TO ERASE IT. GO GET ANOTHER ONE."

Two down, 12 more items to go. Please God don't let them have coupons...

Reality Garbage

Poor Tenley. She farts rainbows while Vienna farts sex and candy.

*sigh*

Really?

I just discovered there is an actual magazine titled, "Miniature Donkey Talk". And no, I'm not a subscriber.

Yet.

Deliciously Annoying

When I lost my job last year, many of my friends were convinced I would become addicted to soap operas, game shows, and/or Oprah. One year out and I haven't caved! (Although I will admit I DVR Ellen every day. I dig her.)

However, I think I may have a problem with Food Network. First I would tune in if nothing else was on...now I find myself checking the food channel before all others. I've always been able to cook but watching these shows has greatly elevated my cooking skills and bolstered my culinary confidence - much to the chagrin of The Kid, who would live solely on Chicken McNuggets and french fries if I allowed it.

One might think then that this was a healthy addiction. How can it be bad when it's inspiring me to create delicious delectables??? (Except for the time I attempted egg foo young and learned Chinese food should ONLY be cooked by Chinese people.) It's bad because every single chef pisses me off somehow. The Kid won't allow me to watch Food Network when he is home because I yell at the television. Whether it's the way the chef talks, cooks, looks, or adds chocolate to her chicken, I get all worked up and vocal. Below are a few chefs who REALLY get my broth boiling:

Rachel Ray: Her "30 Minute Meals" is thirty minutes too long with her voice. Her recipes are decent - doesn't make anything too funky - but her voice....HER VOICE. Nasally and God awful. I usually start mimicking her with, "Really Rachel? You add e-v-o-o???" That's another peeve of mine: e-v-o-o. Cute but she says it every 10 seconds. (Oh, that's extra virgin olive oil for those of you with jobs during the day.)

Giada De Laurentiis: Okay, I'll admit it. I stare at her boobs. How can you not??? They're perfect and perky and ALWAYS on display! Plus she's hot...until she says an Italian-based word, like parmesan. She can't say parmesan. She has to evoke her Italian roots and say, "Add a little parmigiano reggiano." Either say everything with the accent or don't say anything. You're just showing off now. Actually, I can't watch her anymore because my cousin recently alerted me to the size of her head. It's huge!!! She's like a watermelon on a toothpick! I never noticed this anomaly, I think because I was mostly staring at her boobs the whole time. But WOW HER HEAD IS HUGE.

Paula Deen: Don't even get me started on Paula Deen.

Down Home with the Neelys: If this isn't the HORNIEST couple of cooks in the kitchen then Giada has tiny boobies! Gina's always dancing around and Pat's always making not-so-subtle comments about the sugar he got the night before...WOOT! Their food is southern-based and pretty damn finger-licking good. (So is Gina, according to Pat.)

Emeril: I can't even talk about Emeril, or I will get all worked up and start throwing things. Everything about him makes my skin crawl. Blech. I don't have one redeeming quality for him. Even his audience pisses me off.

I'd have to say my fave is "Cooking For Real with Sunny Anderson". I'd never heard of her before my recent food obsession but I like her. Her recipes are normal (i.e., no funky meat or weird dried mushrooms) and she has a nice personality. I would want to be friends with her in real life. Although there is one thing that distracts me about her....HER GIANT GHETTO BOOTY. But that's why I like her. She hasn't caved in to the pressure she must be getting from anorexic producers to lose weight. She has a big, beautiful booty and is proud of it. You go wich yo bad self, girlfriend!

I guess I could have worse addictions. In fact, I do have worse addictions but that's a WHOLE NOTHER blog post. At least we're eating well, and I've found a tasty hobby as well as an outlet for some of my energy.

And by outlet for some of my energy, I mean someone else to scream and throw things at other than my family.

Thinking that.....

My Winter Olympics experience is never complete until I find myself awake in the wee hours of the morning watching curling as there is nothing else on television.

Time check: 2:57 a.m.

Great Britain is in the lead.

Moving

We need to move. I WANT to move. The only thing stopping me? The PILE OF SHIT THAT IS MY SON'S LEGO COLLECTION. Jesus, Mary and Joseph...I don't wanna pack it. I'd rather sit here and rot in my little house than deal with the trillions of little plastic pieces all stuck together just so. But we must go.

Heaven help me.

Cutest Baybay in the Whole World!

My ovaries are crying, "We want another baby!" while my brain is screaming, "Are you bitches crazy??? Have you ANY idea what I've been through the last nine years?!?!?!?"