Amen

I want to thank everyone for the prayers and good vibes the last few weeks. I had my xray yesterday and the mass in my lung has dimmed and the lymph nodes have reduced - which means it is likely an "atypical pneumonia". I will get another CT-scan in three months to be sure my lung is cleared. So thankful and very appreciative for my much needed wake up call in life.

Next order of business: Finding the local radiologist who said no way was it pneumonia, that it was definitely a tumor-like mass. Give him a handshake for helping kick my life back into action. Then burn his house down for making me think my mother was going to be raising my son. Dickhead.

Treat Me Like A Child And Watch What Happens

So you know when your mother treats you like a child but you put up with it because you don't feel good and could really use her help? And it's sorta nice again, having someone take care of you. Dinner appears, dishes disappear, your child is magically bathed. But then a fine line starts to get crossed, and she isn't helping anymore - she's starting to control things.

And then the nagging starts.

"Are you drinking enough water? Beth at work says you have to drink a lot of water with that medicine. Wasn't the doctor's office supposed to call today? Did they? They didn't??? Should you call them? Wait, weren't YOU supposed to call THEM?" Three solid days of non-stop, all-day nagging.

And then I hit my limit.

And my limit isn't pretty.

You know when you tell someone they need to just leave right now, right now before things turn ugly and you can't take back what comes out of your mouth? But that person DOESN'T LEAVE. In fact, they start running their mouth about all they have done for you and how horrible you are treating them right now! And they keep yelling about what they've done for you the last two weeks! And you yell back how appreciative you are but there is a limit to how much NAGGING you can take! AND THEY STILL DON'T LEAVE!!!

And so I break. I turn into the 14-year-old I've been treated as and look for something to...to...throw. And before I know it, my mother is dodging television remotes left and right as she's jumping out my door. My child is sitting at the table watching this exchange, mouth hanging open, shockingly, amazingly, speechless.

I'm not proud of it. But it got her out.

If this lung thing turns into something "bad", I'm going to need better coping devices. I have a feeling there isn't enough chardonnay in the world to deal with Nurse Mother.

And This Is When Life Tells You To Sit Down And Shut Up

This could be nothing, or this could be everything.

I climbed life's ladder like one is supposed to: go to college, become an adult, have a child, get The Perfect Job, move up in The Perfect Job, buy a house, raise your child "right" - until the bottom dropped out from under me. Three years ago I was laid off from The Perfect Job and I just haven't been able to recover. I haven't been able to find full-time work, and I haven't been able to get back to the confident self-sufficient me who graduated college with a toddler and was ready to take on the world. I spent all my savings trying to save my house - the only house my son ever knew - all for naught. Just over a year ago, I had to declare bankruptcy and I lost the house. With no money left, I moved to Arm Pit, the town where my mother grew up - and where I hated to visit every Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas because it meant spendin' time with the crazies. But it's also where my mother owns an apartment building and offered me a place to stay. She lives four doors down from me. I get free rent but I pay the price, capiche?

I have been an insufferable asshole for the last year. I'm miserable so I'm making everyone around me miserable. I lose my temper more than I should, and I've cussed at my child and my mother. I've been horrible.

Two years ago a childhood friend of mine was diagnosed with melanoma. She has two children - babies who are now 4 and 7. She is literally fighting for her life with stage 4 metastatic melanoma. That really put my current situation in perspective. I was so grateful for what I had - even if my mother still treated me like I was sixteen years old. But then I slipped again. Feeling sorry for myself, for not being able to find full-time work, for having to beg my mom for money.

A few days ago I woke up with upper chest and back pain. I slept wrong. The next day my chest and back pain was better but I was dragging all day, and tonight I couldn't seem to catch a good breath without coughing. I thought I was maybe anemic (thank you Google for that diagnosis) so I decided to buzz through our local ER just for a quick check.

Five hours later, I was discharged with instructions to immediately call my internist to set up an appointment because the CT scan showed a mass in my left lung.

"It could be a reading error but the surrounding lymph nodes are swollen as well so I think there's something there."

I've never smoked (outside of the handful of experimental cigarettes in college - I mean, who doesn't try it at least once???) I used to be uber-healthy but let my exercise regimen slide after I lost my job. But a mass - a tumor, the doctor even said - in ME?

I walked out of the ER at 2 a.m. all by myself. It was dark and deserted with not a car or person in sight. Not even a breeze to rustle any leaves. It was so still...and beautiful. And I started sobbing because all I could think was, I'm going to die in this town. I'm a single mom - God wouldn't do that to my son, would he? Zane is only twelve. Then again, I was twelve when my dad died of diabetes so yes, God would do that to my son.

The ER doc admitted the scans "weren't very good ones." That made me feel better.

Two radiologists reviewed the scans and concurred there was a mass. That made my heart race.

My internist thinks it's nothing to be worried about because of my age and non-smoking history. He put me on antibiotics to rule out any possible pneumonia, with another xray to follow in a few weeks to be sure. That gave me a ray of hope.

But then The Lung Institute called today and said they wanted me in their office in four days. That scared the shit out of me.

This could be nothing, or this could be everything. I'll keep you posted.