Back In The Saddle Again

Quick recap for those just joining my blog: A little more than 3 1/2 years ago, I was laid off from my overly well-paid corporate job. In the interim, I worked part time in a Level 1 medical center emergency department (that I actually volunteered at once a week while I worked at my overly well-paid corporate job.) A month ago, a former coworker of mine swooped in and saved me from food stamps and hired me back into the corporate world. I was so thankful to have an income again. Although I hate the company I work for, I sold my soul ONCE AGAIN to the corporate devil in order to pay my 3-months-late cable and phone bills. My son was ecstatic because he missed having a good Christmas.

Fast forward to today.

It's ridiculous how much I'm being paid for what I do but it's always been like that for this company. I didn't take over someone's job - it was created for a new project so I pretty much had nothing to do the first few weeks. I just sat in my cubicle, staring at the walls, missing my puppy, and making money. Which was cool. Hell, I finished the whole "Hunger Games" trilogy in my first two weeks! Then the thoughts started.

What am I doing here? I'm not helping anyone but myself. But I desperately need money. How desperately? I've seen people die in the ER. I've comforted their families. I can't even tell you how many babies I've seen blue and pulseless because their well-meaning mamas wanted them to sleep with them. I saw my colleagues try to resuscitate a 9-month-old baby boy, only to have to call his time of death while he was wearing nothing but a diaper. I tried to entertain his 2-year-old brother while their mother sobbed over his body. Two weeks later she was charged with manslaughter because she shook her baby to death.

I was taught CPR at my corporate job because my boss thought it would look good on our annual evaluations. After they laid me off, I saw CPR performed in real life too many times. I learned that if you come into the ER with people pumping your chest, you likely won't live. (Well, there was one exception: A woman who dealt cards on our local casino boat collapsed due to an apparent heart attack. The EMTs jumped into action and attached a defibrillating device to her. She rolled into the ER conscious and scared. She was the only one I saw who ever survived a cardiac arrest.)

So I sit in my cubicle and listen to the people around me get upset over ignorant coworkers who don't understand their deadlines and won't work with them to MAKE THIS DAMN POWERPOINT PROJECT COME TOGETHER.

And I think of the 40-something dentist with tattoos who had a sudden heart attack in front of his family and lived for 3 days before succumbing. And I think of the eldery lady who turned her car in front of others and died on her daughter's birthday. And I think of the young girl and her boyfriend who brought in their unresponsive 1-year-old little girl. I sat with them because our pastoral services weren't there yet and listened to their story of not being able to wake the baby for some reason. I later saw both of them in our newspaper being arrested for abuse and manslaughter in her death. And I think of the Indian girl (whose husband works at my company) who died with her unborn daughter while 8 months pregnant. I never knew what happened to them, only that the baby had been passed for a while.

And I think I can't sit in a cubicle anymore because the world is bigger than these proverbial first-world problems. There are too many people out there whom I can comfort. I'm making more money than I deserve but I crave certain creature comforts that require money. And my baby wants Santa to bring him lots of presents. So I'm good. I'm good.

I don't know how much longer I can pretend to be okay with this.

Public Pooping Protocol

Okay, let's just get something out of the way so we can all move on with this post and have fun.

Everyone poops. Big deal.

At home, at work, in the middle of lunch at McDonald's, we all gotta poop sometime. However, many people don't know there is a protocol for pooping in public.

I've been working for a full week now and CLEARLY the women in my vicinity have no clue how to publicly poop because our bathroom always smells like a dead body in a trunk (not that I would personally know that smell or anything. Swear.) I'm tempted to make 'Poop Protocol' signs and post them on the inside of the bathroom stall doors but the place I work is That Kind Of Place (you know, where not many have a sense of humor...and there would be an inquiry...a matching of the paper and scotch tape to find the culprit...then I would get fired over poop...so yeah.)

*Side note: Let me preface this by saying these protocols are written generally for women. Men, it would be fantastic if you followed these rules as well but I have a feeling y'all get off on grossing each other out. Plus you NEVER poop in public. You will race home to poop on your lunch break just to avoid a public mens' room stall, amirite???

Okay. Here we go:

First rule - FLUSH AS YOU GO. It quickly disposes of the stinky matter so therefore stops the marination of your poop, the aroma of which travels throughout the bathroom for several hours after your visit. Flushing also does a beautiful job of masking unpleasant sounds that may emit from your derriere.

I know what you're thinking. "I don't want my butt splashed" or "I'll be swallowed up by the toilet if I flush!" Honey, you're not six years old. You should know by now that the toilet monster doesn't exist. And the splash? You might possibly feel a little mist but think of it as a bidet. And you're saving everyone else's nose hairs.

Second rule - HIDE IN THE STALL UNTIL IMMEDIATE WITNESSES LEAVE. I forgot to mention we all also fart. Whether too loud or the result of an ill-timed flush, sometimes we just can't hide last night's refried bean burrito combo. It's okay. However, what's NOT okay is letting off farts that make dogs outside start howling, flushing and then walking out AND GREETING the woman standing at the sink who just had a front row seat to your ass concert. "Oooh, cute shoes!" ain't gonna take away the mental scars you just gave that woman by putting a face to the fart.

Now I realize you can't hide in a stall all day. It's okay to show yourself as other women are leaving their stalls because with bathroom acoustics no one is really 100% certain where the offending farts originated (it also helps to shoot a weird glance at the closed handicap stall door as we all know most poopers pick the big stall on the end.) But if it's just you and one other person, I'd wait to exit. Unless she stands there and does her makeup for 10 minutes. Then start making puking sounds, and she'll leave.

Life is hard - wars, famine, douchebags who hang in the left lane. Following these two rules will make all of our lives much more pleasant...and you will never be singled out as The One Who Poops.

Parent Teacher Conference Time

This week was Mouth's first parent-teacher conference at his new school. Most of his teachers think he's a hoot, and he earns decent grades (except math - just like his mama!) so the meetings are usually pretty painless. As we were waiting for his teacher to arrive, we browsed through a notebook of homework he put together in preparation for the meeting. I was paging through until this writing assignment caught me eye. I busted out laughing and was all, "I HAVE to take a picture of this paper!"

The assignment is: "If you find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere." What does this quote mean to you about life?

Mouth's first sentence is: "A path with no obstacles is like ending up as a McDonald's janitor."

This kid cracks me up! I'm so happy he was born with my sense of humor (which I got from my dad...all of which drives Mother INSANE.)

*Sidenote: Also discovered during the meeting: Mouth's Spanish class played a game where the kids each came up with a phrase, had the teacher translate it into spanish for them, then they had to act out or draw their phrase in an attempt to get the class to guess it. The teacher was in tears telling me how Mouth's phrase was "I love weapons of mass destruction." He drew George Bush with his thumb on a big red button. She also said she chose not to tell the other teachers about that because she didn't think they'd get as big a kick out of it as she did. I told her that was probably a really good idea!

Texting.....

I start a new job on Monday so I decided to kickstart the weekend by calling my cable company and getting my old cable package back. I did it mostly for Mouth so he can watch My Little Pony on Saturday mornings (yes, I just outed him as a "brony") but then I realized how much tv I got back - and how boring my life has been the last few years without 600 channels in it.

Me: "I have Gameshow Network again! And National Geographic. I just wanna cry!"

Mother: "lol too bad you're going back to work"

Me: "ikr??? No wonder I've been so miserable. Can't even tell you how many times I see a show and am like YES!!! Then realize I don't have the channel and am like DAMMIT!!!

Mother: "Poor baby. You should have gotten it anyway"

Me: "I have the Cooking Channel too!"

Mother: "lol you are so funny"

Me: "I have the Oprah network. HOLY SHIZNIT!!!"

Mother: "Are you ever gonna leave home again???"

Me: "I don't think so."

Rags Reads

The worst part of being unemployed (other than having an income of ZERO) is the boredom that sets in once Mouth goes back to school. I usually spend my mornings showering, applying for jobs online, and sitting out back with Ted. My afternoons are what drag. So I started reading.

And reading. And reading.

I dug mysteries growing up - Nancy Drew, Mary Higgins Clark, anything with a dead body rocked my world. A few months ago, I downloaded a free Kindle app from Amazon onto my phone so I'd always have a book with me. However, because I'm broke I only download free books - which is a real crapshoot as most free books are free for a reason.

Side note: I once read a book so bad that I left a review on the Amazon site. (Reviews are extremely common and usually determine whether I read a book or not. I check out the stars readers gave the book and read a couple of blurbs to see if it's my cup of tea.) So I left my review that really truly wasn't that scathing. I gave it one star and basically said the characters weren't really developed, gave an example, and suggested maybe the five-star reviewers were family and/or friends of the author because I can't see the book being five star. The author WENT NUTS. He kept leaving batshit crazy comments, cussing me out, saying I was just a failed writer who wanted to be like him...yada yada yada. I was like, I don't want to be like you...you suck! Then he would delete the comments - that way, I would see them because Amazon would automatically send them to me but the rest of the world wouldn't see them because he had deleted it. He was obviously unstable - which I detailed in a second review comment on his book. His name is Buck Winthrop. Obviously the screen name of a failed porn star...and I'd recommend avoiding his book at all costs. Douchebag.

Anyhoo, I got to the point where I needed a GOOD BOOK but I didn't have the funds to visit a bookstore. Then I remembered....the library! I hadn't been in one of those since college but I knew there was one somewhere in my little armpit town.

I started on the Michael Connelly crime/mystery book series featuring Detective Harry Bosch. I highly recommend the whole series. Even though Harry was a middle-aged man who chain smoked and sported a moustache, I enjoyed his story and was continually enrapt with his escapades. I blew through the whole series within a month or so. 4 out of 5 stars.

After finishing the Bosch books, I decided I wanted something a bit more educational...or at least something that might help me win Tuesday Night Trivia. I put a call out on Facebook asking for recommendations on autobiographies and such. I got a lot of great feedback. Unfortunately, my local Armpit Library only had a few of the suggestions. Below are three bios and my scholarly review (read: snarkiness) of each.

"Most Talkative" by Andy Cohen
As is pretty evident to anyone who remotely knows me, I am a Bravo whore. I love everything reality-especially if it's on Bravo. Andy Cohen is Executive VP of Development and Talent as well as the host of Watch What Happens Live (WWHL) and the Real Housewives' Reunion Specials. I was shocked when I first realized the same WWHL Andy was a VP at Bravo but was floored after I read his "path to the top." Essentially, Andy has been an overactive, inappropriate gay Jewish boy his whole life (well, the gay Jewish thing is sort of a constant but you know what I mean.) He's really quite lucky he's landed where he has because he was one sequined suit away from being a backup dancer in a Liberace revival in Vegas. And I'm glad he made it because I LOVE HIM! 3 1/2 out of 5 stars.

"It Ain't All About The Cooking" by Paula Deen
I have a love/hate relationship with Paula but I saw her book on the shelf and wondered where the whole butter addiction stemmed from. Turns out she suffered from agoraphobia for years (as did I) and was dirt poor after leaving her alcoholic husband. She worked her little Southern ass OFF to open her own restaurant, then worked just as hard to get to the iconic cooking goddess status that she now holds (although she never explains her fascination with butter except to chalk it up to her Southern upbringing.) I have newfound respect for her...but I still can't watch more than ten minutes of her tv show. 3 out of 5 stars.

"Stories I Only Tell My Friends" by Rob Lowe
I grew up in the 80s with Rob Lowe posters on my wall (along with Rick Springfield) so I was stoked to read his book. Unfortunately, Rob's book consisted mostly of the details of his acting career. A few interesting tidbits but if these are the stories he only tells his friends, then he's boring! This guy probably had one of the most interesting sex lives in the 1980s and 1990s. I vaguely remember him being involved in some sort of sextape scandal - I was excited to hear his side. Nothing. Totally glossed over his scandal. I had to Google it to see what happened. Good Lord...I wanted details! Okay, understandable if he wanted to protect ex-girlfriends and didn't want to give juicy details but you gotta give me something - I mean, I drove all the way to the library to borrow this thing. You owe me more than that! 2 1/2 out of 5 stars.

That's as far as I got because now I have a job! I start next week so my obsessive book reading days are likely over. However, I still have a few books on my wish list:

• "Hell's Angel: The Life and Times of Sonny Barger and the Hell's Angels Motorcycle Club" by Sonny Barger
• "Chelsea, Chelsea, Bang, Bang" by Chelsea Handler
• "The Stranger Beside Me" by Ann Rule (a Ted Bundy story)

Any other suggestions?

Oh, and no need to include any of Mr. Winthrop's other books. If he has more than one. Which is doubtful. Highly doubtful.

Texting.....

Me: "Hey Ma, Krogers is having a bunch of food samples today. They're everywhere! Just an fyi."

Mother: "I know. That's where Grandma and I ate lunch today!"

Lord, please let me be adopted...

*sigh*

I'm Totally Going To Hell

I'm so bad. I actually just told someone who is flying for the first time to text me during her flight so I could send encouraging texts like, "You can do it! You'll be fine!" and "You didn't wear lycra, did you? Cause that shit sticks to your skin while you're searching for the emergency exits!"

Good thing I'm already in therapy.

Happy Anniversary Dad

What's worse? 1) losing your dad when you're a child and missing out on him walking you down the aisle and then knowing your children or 2) losing your dad after he's walked you down the aisle and then been a loving grandparent to your children?

I always thought the former rather than the latter but now I don't know.

Today is the 25th anniversary of my dad's death. He died from complications of diabetes two weeks before my 13th birthday. He was the coolest guy I knew. He taught me to be independent under my uber-obsessive mother and showed me how a "serious" dentist could rock out to Tammy Wynette by blasting her out his convertible Mercedes speakers, NATCH! He was f*cking awesome, and I've missed him every single day. And I thought nothing could ever be worse than losing a parent while still so young. His death has been such a huge part of my life that on any given day I can tell you how many years/months/weeks/days it's been since my dad died.

But I was so grateful I had 12 years with my dad, and I prayed for kids who lost their parent(s) younger than I was. I felt so bad for them - I was so lucky to have as much time with my dad as I did.

My grandfather (mom's dad) passed when I was 26 years old. Ever since, every holiday family gathering included the ritual sobbing about poor PawPaw who died at 76 years old. He walked every single one of his daughters (several times for two of them) down the wedding aisle, and he knew their children and grandchildren. I thought, My father never had the chance to walk me or my sister down an aisle, never knew his grandchildren - but here are these people weeping over PawPaw. They should be thankful for all the years they had with him. They all knew my history yet they still sobbed. Honestly, I became pissed at their insensitivity...so I stopped attending family holidays.

Recently a friend of mine lost her father, who was in his 80s and suffering from cancer. And it got me thinking: Which would be worse? A dad who died young so never knew his children or grandchildren; or a dad who lived to a ripe old age so knew his children and grandchildren but then died?

Obviously I don't have the answer but as my friends are losing their parents, I'm beginning to see the pain of losing someone who's been around one's whole life. Maybe I was lucky to lose my dad before we could make millions of wonderful memories. I cherish the handful I do have but I will always wonder what my life would have been like with that brilliant, ornery, loving, carefree Dan Shute in my life.

I've lost three grandparents, one great grandparent, a parent and two close friends...but I miss my dad the most. He and Mouth would be two peas in a pod...which would probably be TOTALLY BAD.

But I still wish they could have met.

Happy anniversary, Dad.

Love, R

Rags Reviews...Movies

Mouth and I saw "Frankenweenie" tonight. Horrible. Horrible.

Horrible.

The movie ended with a whole theater of kids sobbing - including ME! Stop reading if you don't want a spoiler...

Let me sum up the movie in one paragraph:

A boy's dog died (which was heartbreaking but expected as that was the whole premise of the movie) but the boy brought him back. Fast forward an hour, and all the neighborhood animals that had already DIED were brought back to life by their previous child owners but then DIED again because they came back bad so had to be killed. Then the boy almost DIED and an evil cat was impaled (which was kinda graphic for an animated movie) and it DIED. Then the dog DIED AGAIN (gettin' the theme here yet?) but the boy actually brought him back to life. End of movie.

By the second dog death, I was a mess! I walked out wiping my face with my sleeves and mumbling "That movie sucked! I HATED that movie! Everyone kept DYING!!!" I was shocked Mouth wasn't making fun of me but now that I think about it, it's probably because he was too busy wiping his face as well.

We came home and hugged Ted for 10 minutes.

One out of five stars.

Things That Make You Go Hmmm

I've just noticed that my small Midwestern town (where the only thing organically grown around here is rednecks) now has TWO thriving hydroponic "Alternative Indoor Gardening" stores.

For the discerning indoor gardener.

Which apparently number enough to warrant TWO supply stores.

Hmmm.....

First World Problems

I've clean forgotten my debit card PIN number because it's been THAT LONG since I had money in my checking account.

Now I have to wait a week until my new PIN arrives. DAMMIT.

Time For A New City

I moved to this town a year and a half ago. Through the grace of God, I have avoided my ex-boyfriend (whom I blame for everything that has gone wrong in my life in the last 7 years, whether warranted or not. Actually, it's ALL warranted.)

In the last two weeks, I have seen him at my grocery store more times than truly necessary. He hasn't spotted me yet - maybe because I HAUL ASS in the other direction when I see him - but it's just a matter of time.

I gotta get out of here.

Theories

I have a theory on people who wear sunglasses indoors: someone once told them their shades looked good...so now they wear them EVERYWHERE.

Same goes for chicks who wear magenta lipstick.

A Quick Favor

So guys...if you have really dark hair and eyebrows yet your beard naturally grows in a lighter shade of brown, PLEASE SHAVE IT. It's like a carpet-matching-the-drapes kinda thing. And it freaks me out. Thanks.

Send Me An Angel. One With A Vaccuum.

I woke this morning at 3:30am because feathers were flying into my nose with every breath I took. So in my sleepy daze I blew them out and tried to fall back asleep. But then I realized I had to pee so I got up, went into the bathroom, turned on the light...

and saw an angel.

I was slowly coming out of my slumber haze when I realized I was looking in the mirror. The angel was me. I was covered from the top of my head to the bottom of my shorts in white fuzzy feathers. I couldn't figure out if I was dreaming or awake until I realized I REALLY had to pee - so I must be awake? As I sat, I started thinking, trying to figure out what in the world was going on. When I finished, I walked into my room, turned on the light...and right at that moment I knew exactly what happened.

The f*cking dog chewed a hole in my down comforter.

My ceiling fan was on high, blowing the feathers throughout the air. My floor fan was oscillating across the width of my bed, spreading the feathers across the floor. My poor old kitty Toph was lying next to my pillow, covered in fuzz, with a look on her face that said, "This is your fault. You're the dumbass who wanted a dog." And on the bed, right smack in the middle of a pile of feathers, was Ted. Asleep like a baby Jesus in a feather-lined manger.

Sonofabitch.

I wish I had photos of the fiasco but alas I do not. I still wasn't fully awake and the commotion had awoken Mouth, who had to wake for school in three hours. I was too busy trying to get him back to bed, get the feathers out of my hair, and get the sheet and blanket balled into a pile to trap the feathers, to grab my phone and start shooting.

Everything is still in a balled-up mess in my hallway. I can't deal with it. My room is covered in feathers, and my dog is trottin' around like nothing happened. He's sooooo lucky he's stinking adorable. Little shithead.

Anyone want to come over and clean? I have no money but I make a mean margarita!

Another Reason Why I'm Single...By Choice

If I had a dollar for every time a man who wanted to date me said, "I'm only letting my child's mom live with me so I see my child every day. There's absolutely nothing between us!" - well, I'd have four dollars. Which is FOUR TOO MANY.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph. I'm not that stupid!

It NEVER ENDS

Ted the dog and Moe the cat wrestle ALL. DAY. LONG. And just when I think exhaustion has overtaken both of them, this happens:

And it starts ALL. OVER. AGAIN.

You Sure This School Is Public???

7th grade registration fee: $82

PE clothes and rental lock: $25

School supplies: $65

Getting my daily naps back: PRICELESS

Seriously though...$65 for cheap crap at Walmart??? I bought so much loose leaf paper today, my child better write on every last damn page this year.

EVERY LAST DAMN PAGE. ALL 1500 OF 'EM.

Amen

I want to thank everyone for the prayers and good vibes the last few weeks. I had my xray yesterday and the mass in my lung has dimmed and the lymph nodes have reduced - which means it is likely an "atypical pneumonia". I will get another CT-scan in three months to be sure my lung is cleared. So thankful and very appreciative for my much needed wake up call in life.

Next order of business: Finding the local radiologist who said no way was it pneumonia, that it was definitely a tumor-like mass. Give him a handshake for helping kick my life back into action. Then burn his house down for making me think my mother was going to be raising my son. Dickhead.

Treat Me Like A Child And Watch What Happens

So you know when your mother treats you like a child but you put up with it because you don't feel good and could really use her help? And it's sorta nice again, having someone take care of you. Dinner appears, dishes disappear, your child is magically bathed. But then a fine line starts to get crossed, and she isn't helping anymore - she's starting to control things.

And then the nagging starts.

"Are you drinking enough water? Beth at work says you have to drink a lot of water with that medicine. Wasn't the doctor's office supposed to call today? Did they? They didn't??? Should you call them? Wait, weren't YOU supposed to call THEM?" Three solid days of non-stop, all-day nagging.

And then I hit my limit.

And my limit isn't pretty.

You know when you tell someone they need to just leave right now, right now before things turn ugly and you can't take back what comes out of your mouth? But that person DOESN'T LEAVE. In fact, they start running their mouth about all they have done for you and how horrible you are treating them right now! And they keep yelling about what they've done for you the last two weeks! And you yell back how appreciative you are but there is a limit to how much NAGGING you can take! AND THEY STILL DON'T LEAVE!!!

And so I break. I turn into the 14-year-old I've been treated as and look for something to...to...throw. And before I know it, my mother is dodging television remotes left and right as she's jumping out my door. My child is sitting at the table watching this exchange, mouth hanging open, shockingly, amazingly, speechless.

I'm not proud of it. But it got her out.

If this lung thing turns into something "bad", I'm going to need better coping devices. I have a feeling there isn't enough chardonnay in the world to deal with Nurse Mother.

And This Is When Life Tells You To Sit Down And Shut Up

This could be nothing, or this could be everything.

I climbed life's ladder like one is supposed to: go to college, become an adult, have a child, get The Perfect Job, move up in The Perfect Job, buy a house, raise your child "right" - until the bottom dropped out from under me. Three years ago I was laid off from The Perfect Job and I just haven't been able to recover. I haven't been able to find full-time work, and I haven't been able to get back to the confident self-sufficient me who graduated college with a toddler and was ready to take on the world. I spent all my savings trying to save my house - the only house my son ever knew - all for naught. Just over a year ago, I had to declare bankruptcy and I lost the house. With no money left, I moved to Arm Pit, the town where my mother grew up - and where I hated to visit every Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas because it meant spendin' time with the crazies. But it's also where my mother owns an apartment building and offered me a place to stay. She lives four doors down from me. I get free rent but I pay the price, capiche?

I have been an insufferable asshole for the last year. I'm miserable so I'm making everyone around me miserable. I lose my temper more than I should, and I've cussed at my child and my mother. I've been horrible.

Two years ago a childhood friend of mine was diagnosed with melanoma. She has two children - babies who are now 4 and 7. She is literally fighting for her life with stage 4 metastatic melanoma. That really put my current situation in perspective. I was so grateful for what I had - even if my mother still treated me like I was sixteen years old. But then I slipped again. Feeling sorry for myself, for not being able to find full-time work, for having to beg my mom for money.

A few days ago I woke up with upper chest and back pain. I slept wrong. The next day my chest and back pain was better but I was dragging all day, and tonight I couldn't seem to catch a good breath without coughing. I thought I was maybe anemic (thank you Google for that diagnosis) so I decided to buzz through our local ER just for a quick check.

Five hours later, I was discharged with instructions to immediately call my internist to set up an appointment because the CT scan showed a mass in my left lung.

"It could be a reading error but the surrounding lymph nodes are swollen as well so I think there's something there."

I've never smoked (outside of the handful of experimental cigarettes in college - I mean, who doesn't try it at least once???) I used to be uber-healthy but let my exercise regimen slide after I lost my job. But a mass - a tumor, the doctor even said - in ME?

I walked out of the ER at 2 a.m. all by myself. It was dark and deserted with not a car or person in sight. Not even a breeze to rustle any leaves. It was so still...and beautiful. And I started sobbing because all I could think was, I'm going to die in this town. I'm a single mom - God wouldn't do that to my son, would he? Zane is only twelve. Then again, I was twelve when my dad died of diabetes so yes, God would do that to my son.

The ER doc admitted the scans "weren't very good ones." That made me feel better.

Two radiologists reviewed the scans and concurred there was a mass. That made my heart race.

My internist thinks it's nothing to be worried about because of my age and non-smoking history. He put me on antibiotics to rule out any possible pneumonia, with another xray to follow in a few weeks to be sure. That gave me a ray of hope.

But then The Lung Institute called today and said they wanted me in their office in four days. That scared the shit out of me.

This could be nothing, or this could be everything. I'll keep you posted.

Things That Make You Go...WTF?

Mouth's orthodontist celebrates a child getting their braces removed by sending them out the door with two half-inflated balloons attached to a large bag FULL OF GUM AND CANDY.

Yes, a large bag FULL OF GUM AND CANDY.

I had to repeat that because I can hardly believe it myself.

I can understand her saying, "Congratulations for going three years without candy and gum because I'm a tooth nazi and I forbade you from those evils - as well as made your parents sign a waiver swearing to never buy you those prohibited goodies nor be witness to you consuming them. Here's a pack of gum and a Snickers bar. Brush after you eat them. Enjoy!"

But a big ol' bag of sugar??? That's like an oncologist celebrating a patient's last chemo session with a PACK OF CIGARETTES.

"Congrats on beating your lung cancer! Let's light up to celebrate!!!"

Am I missing something? Wait! Maybe the ortho has a little deal going with the dentist? The dentist initially refers his patient to the ortho, who fixes the crooked teeth. But the patient has had to take great care of his teeth during the years he had his braces on so there's very little chance of any cavities in the near future - so the ortho sends him off with a shit ton of sugar (which the patient inhales because it has been forbidden for three years.) The patient develops three cavities, must then visit his dentist, to whom the patient pays several hundreds dollars - and then the dentist gives the ortho a cut for the whole cavity thing. Holy shit! I figured out their scam!!!

That's it. Mouth is going to dental school.

Well...Crap

Just got back from the grocery store only to be met with the staring glares of two hungry cats. And THAT'S when I remembered I needed to add 'cat food' to my grocery list.

FML.

Let's Do This

I'm sick of not getting any calls on my resume, let alone any interviews. So I've decided to go balls to the wall to get their attention.

I revised my resume to include a summary of ALL the shit jobs I have worked in my life as I feel they have given me a more rounded work education than one would receive in college and in cubicle life. Case in point: my time spent waitressing at an oyster-shucking bar in Florida. Hands down favorite, although the oysters grossed me out because they looked like little fetuses.

And yes, I did include "little fetuses" in my resume.

Riches to Rags Cooks: Mexican Grilled Shrimp Salad

For the second post in my new cooking series, I selected a recipe that appeared simple enough to prepare yet had a promising mix of diverse flavors. I found this Mexican Grilled Shrimp Salad on the Real Simple website at this link.



1/4 cup pepitas
1 lb peeled and deveined large shrimp
1/4 to 1/2 tsp cayenne pepper
5 tablespoons olive oil
salt and black pepper
1 tablespoon red wine vinegar
1 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
1/4 jalapeno pepper, finely chopped
1 garlic clove, finely chopped
1 small head romaine lettuce
1/2 small jicama or 1 Granny Smith apple, peeled and cut into matchsticks
1/2 small red onion, thinly sliced
1/2 cup crumbled Cotija, queso fresco, or Feta (2 ounces)

1. Heat oven to 350 degrees. Spread the pepitas on a rimmed baking sheet and toast in oven, tossing once, until fragrant, 6 to 8 minutes.

2. Heat grill to medium-high. In a medium bowl, toss the shrimp with the cayenne, 1 tablespoon of the oil, 1/2 teaspoon of salt, and 1/4 teaspoon black pepper. Grill until opaque throughout, 2 to 3 minutes per side.

3. In a large bowl, combine the vinegar, Worcestershire, jalapeno, garlic, the remaining 4 tablespoons of oil, and 1/4 teaspoon each salt and black pepper. Add the lettuce, jicama, onion, pepitas, and shrimp and toss to combine. Sprinkle with the Cotija.

A few adjustments I made:

- I like spicy. No, I LOVE spicy. If you don't love spicy, I would suggest using only 1/4 teaspoon of the cayenne and 86-ing the jalapeno.

- I skipped the jicama and the Granny Smith. I realize either would add crunch as well as tartness to the dish but I wasn't feeling it.

- What the hell is Cotija? I had a hard enough time trying to find queso fresco here in Arm Pit, Illinois - there was NO WAY I was huntin' for Cotija.

Super easy to make and tasted DELICIOUS. I give it four out of five stars. (Mouth hated it, natch. I mean, it had LETTUCE in it, and he is allergic to ALL THINGS GREEN AND/OR LEAFY.)

This is a good dish for starter cooks - quick, easy, and has amazing flavors that will impress the pants off your date!

Buen provecho!

The Difference Between Cats And Dogs

On my To-Do List for today: Brushing the teeth of one cat named Moe and one dog named Ted.

Tonight I learned that as long as I kept yelling "Good boy!!!" every 5 seconds, the dog was game.

Me: "Good boy!!!...........Good boy!!!...........Good boy!!!"
Ted: "Keep doing it! I'm a good boy! So whatever this is, I love it!"

I finished ALL of Ted's teeth.

I also learned that the cat does not respond to such encouragement as favorably as the dog.

Me: "Good boy!!!.............Goo-"
Moe: "Shut the f*ck up. I hate you and every single one of your ancestors on both sides of your sociopathic, dysfunctional and mostly bipolar families. You think because your father was a dentist that you can brush MY teeth? Bitch, please. You need to check yourself because you are TWO SECONDS away from having a set of bloody scratches down your cheek. Not get that toothbrush out of my mouth before I shove it down your esophagus, BITCH."

I finished three of Moe's top teeth.

You think I like this? Thursday nights used to be my drinking night until I became responsible for one kid, two cats, and a dog. NOW my Thursday nights consist of fighting the war against plaque.

Ungrateful little shit. Guess who isn't getting soft food when all of his teeth rot out of his head???

Texting....

A text conversation between Mother and I. Mother took her aunt to the ER because her leg was swollen and red and getting nastier by the day. My four years spent in the ER through volunteering and part-time employment qualifies me as a medical expert. OR SO THINKS MY FAMILY.

* Side note: Cellulitis is a skin infection that can be pretty nasty if left untreated.
* Side note #2: This may only be funny to those who are medically trained.

Mother: I think they're going to admit her for cellulitis. Is the flesh-eating virus called merca?

Me: No, and it's called MRSA. Why? Did they ask if she had a history of it? They ask that of everyone in the ER. It's not a big deal. It's an antibiotic-resistant diarrhea thing.

Mother: Yikes!

Me: They just need to know b/c if she has diarrhea they have to scrub their hands after touching her. It's hard to get rid of b/c of the antibiotic resistance.

Mother: Ah, thanks.

Mother: I'm not going to touch her anymore. Period.

Me: Oh geez. She doesn't have MRSA!!! She would have had diarrhea for like 3 months and be almost DEAD. Calm down.

Mother: .......

Me: They ask everyone who comes into the ER if they've ever been diagnosed with MRSA or C-Diff. It's standard.

Mother: Oh. Okay.

Me: Wait. C-Diff is the diarrhea thing. MRSA is the infected wound thing. GO WASH YOUR HANDS!!!

Mother: What??????

Me: This is what you get for asking me medical questions when I'm drunk on a Saturday night! AND because I'm not a nurse! You'd be better off Googling it.

Mother: You're officially out of the will. And if I die from MRSA, I'm leaving EVERYTHING to your sister.

When The Cat's Away The Mice Will Play

The last few days have been unbearably hot so we haven't been able to visit the dog park. Therefore, Baby Ted has THE WORST case of cabin fever. Yesterday, he dragged the toilet paper from the bathroom through the kitchen, around the dishwasher TWICE and was heading into the living room when I finally caught up to him. This is seriously worse than Mouth in February after a long, hard winter.

Today was again in the nineties but breezy so I braved the heat (anything more than 90 degrees makes me feel...stabby) and headed for the D.P. (Btw, D.P. stands for 'dog park'-it's code for those of us with pups who have come to recognize the words 'dog park' and must abbreviate it to avoid the BATSHIT CRAZY that ensues when the actual words are spoken.) Ted had so much fun today at the D.P. He played with two ugly poodles and ran his little furry butt off until he was so tired he was running crooked. You know what a busy day at the D.P. means, right?




Oh yeah. PASSED. OUT.

I turned the living room light off because, as a mama, I know I must do ANYTHING to encourage a baby to stay asleep once he crashes. I soon saw a few shadows out of the corner of my eye. Turns out that in our household the old adage "when the cat's away the mice will play" is now "when the annoying puppy is asleep the cats turn NINJA!"

Here's Moe wondering why the HELL his little kitty house was upended during Ted's heat-related house arrest:


And sweet little Toph. She's very old and very wise - and very intelligently infiltrated Doggy Headquarters.

Toph has made herself comfortable in Doggy HQ, and Moe is resting in his (still upended) house. And I used to think my life was boring....

Thinking That.....

A dog who frequents our local dog park looks EXACTLY like Will Ferrell. Everything from his curly hair to his beady eyes, he's just Will Ferrell in dog form. I don't even know the dog's name but every time I see him, I'm lookin' for a cowbell!!!

(That link is the best I could find of the SNL cowbell skit. It's blurry and pixely but still high-larious!)

I'll update once I get a pic.

Must. Be. Sneaky.

UPDATE: I GOT THE DOG'S PIC!!!**

His name is Louie. Louie's mom said that her husband thinks the dog's beady eyes make him look like Rod Blagojevich (former Illinois guvnah, now in prison - AS THEY ALL ARE.) My friend Marcy mentioned, "Really? I think he looks like Will Ferrell!" To which Louie's mom responded with glee, "Will Ferrell? Well, that's better than Blagojevich!"

** Must give HUGE props to Marcy who snapped the pup's photo for me - Louie showed up on the ONE DAY I didn't have a car. Some spy I am, right? She was also the first to see Will Ferrell in this dog. Without her, I would still be thinking, What the hell is wrong with that dog's face? And why does he look like Rod Blagojevich???

"I could use a little more cowbell, fellas!"

My Top 20 Fave...Movies

I've been watching some movies from my childhood this week, enjoying the memories they bring back. So I decided to compile my Top 20 fave movies with a little blurb about each (Warning: snark may be involved.) After reviewing my list, I realized most of them were filmed in the 80s. Perhaps it's because the 80s were the decade of my childhood, when things were simpler; perhaps it's because movies these days focus so much on special effects that the story gets lost. Perhaps that's enough philosophizing, Professor Chardonnay, let's get to it!

In no particular order:

1. Running Scared (1986) - It's funny, it shows dancer Gregory Hines as a really funny actor, it showcases my fave spot Key West, it portrays Jimmy Smits as the hot Latino he truly is. LOVES.

2. National Lampoon's Vacation (1983) - I could recite every word of this movie at 10 years old. I had a wandering spirit as a child and the thought of travelling in the Griswold Family Truckster just sounded so cool.

3. Romancing The Stone (1984) - Another movie I could recite every word from by age 10. I loved Kathleen Turner's voice and discovered the hilarity of Danny DeVito.

*I should probably mention now that both of my stepfathers insisted on having HBO and Showtime on the cable box. This tidbit will come into play in later selections.*

4. Beverly Hills Cop (1984) - Come on, this was a good movie! So good, in fact, that one of my high school friends reenacted one of Axel Foley's pranks on a classmate of ours' car. I cannot go into this any further because the prankee reads this blog (and if you know who you are, I will TOTALLY tell you who did it because I can't stand her now.)

5. Fast Forward (1985) - I would imagine none of you have heard of this film. It's a dance movie and the closest thing I had to a dance studio in my youth. I practiced those moves day in, day out. Replete with leg warmers.

6. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989) - I could probably list ALL the Griswold movies on my list (even European Vacation! IKR???) but I especially liked this one. Clark and Ellen still look like Clark and Ellen (unlike Vegas Vacation) and it's just SO what I imagine my family Christmases would have been...if my mother hadn't married so many times.

7. Revenge Of The Nerds (1984) - This movie was filmed at the University of Arizona in Tucson, where I lived for six months. I spent one whole Saturday touring filming locations with my camera. Just after lunch, I was driving down a street close to campus when I saw it: the Alpha Beta house. I screamed, "Holy shit! It's the Alpha Beta house!" I couldn't see any open parking slots so I sorta double-parked in front of someone's driveway (I was just going to get a quick snapshot and be on my way!) As I was tumbling out of my VW Jetta, the owner of the house yelled, "Hey! You can't park there!" I said, "But...it's the ALPHA BETA HOUSE!!!" He goes, "Ahhh. You're one of them. Go ahead, I'll watch your car since you left the engine running, door hanging open, and are already halfway down the street." Sweet man!

8. Adventures In Babysitting (1987) - I wished I could be Chris, being in charge and finding the man of my dreams at a frat party. The best line of the movie? "Don't FUCK with the Lords of Hell." "Don't FUCK with the babysitter!"

9. My Father The Hero (1994) - This was filmed in the Bahamas - the shots...oh, the breathtaking shots. But I think I liked it because I imagined that would be the relationship I would have had with my dad had he not died when I was 12 years old. When Nicole thinks her dad has drowned and finally breaks down and speaks French to him...I sob every time. But to watch this you need to get over Gerard Depardieu's nose. Yikes.

10. Breakfast At Tiffany's (1961) - I love everything Audrey Hepburn. "Sabrina" was a close call for me on this one but BAT is just...it.

11. Hardbodies (1984) - (Please see italic text after #3) This was the first naughty movie I ever saw. I caught it after mother and stepdad #1 went to bed. Grant Cramer then became the hottest guy in the world to me and I wanted to move to California so I could be a hardbody, too! Yay!

12. Goonies (1985) - "Goonies never say die!" This was the first movie I watched where kids cussed. And I LOVED IT. Goonies comes on TNT at least once a month and I sit and recite every word of it. "Maaaan! You smell like Phys Ed!" Mouth just gives me space on Goonies Sundays.

13. Twister (1996) - I saw this movie three times in the theater. THREE TIMES. I used to be petrified of tornadoes, so to see them so realistic on the huge screen in front of me? Scared the shit out of me but I loved every minute of it.

14. Stripes (1981) - HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE 'STRIPES'? Raz-zle daz-zle! That's all I have to say. Well, that and jello wrestling.

15. Spies Like Us (1985) - Loved this movie so much I named my freelance site after it - 'Scribes Like Us'. (Also thanks to the suggestion of my friend Joanna. ;)) I played the movie for Mouth when he was around nine and he loved it. "Show some balls, man!" "I think it's too late to try and impress them." Hee hee.....

16. Porky's (1982) - (Again, please consult italic note after #3) This movie utterly confused me but I just LIKED IT. I had to watch it dozens of times, and didn't quite get the meaning of everything until high school, but it totally makes my Top 20.

17. The Big Chill (1983) - I appreciated this movie more as I got older. It resonated with me as I saw my college friends grow up and start families and become...adults. Sad!!!

18. Home For The Holidays (1995) - Unlike 'National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation', this movie felt more like my holidays home from college. And it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside to realize I'm not the only one with a shit-ton of crazy in the gene pool.

19. Key Largo (1948) - Just like Audrey, Humphrey Bogart is my idol. I have nearly every movie he made and my faves are the ones he filmed with Lauren Bacall. I think I lived in Florida in a few of my past lives because I have been drawn to the place since I could begin to imagine it.

20. Real Genius (1985) - I love Val Kilmer. Even though he's now bloated and kinda gross looking, Val is one of my 'Top Three' (married couples know what I mean.) This movie introduced me to one of my fave lines I still say today: "You still run?" "Only when chased."

I've seen movies through the years that make me laugh, make me cry, make me pee my pants with fear - but these are the ones that make me feel like I'm home.

Home being watching R-rated movies on the stepdad's premium channels, natch.

Puppy Lesson Number 2

I think Ted the pup is sexually confused and Moe the cat is gay. Which is OKAY in our household...except for our poor old female kitty Toph. She is still trying to figure out why a dog is humping a cat. And why the cat is okay with it.

And here I thought I'd only be responsible for Mouth's therapy. Now I have to budget for a dog and two cats?

I totally need a good job with benefits. STAT.

Welcome To Arm Pit, Illinois

Mother called me because she found a "cute little farmers market!" a few blocks down the road from Kroger's. Did I want her to pick me up some fresh vegetables or fruit? Sure! I love locally grown food. It's fresher and tastes better than store-bought produce.

Mother: "Here ya go! I got you some tomatoes, corn and onions. I also picked you up some kiwis!"

Me: "Kiwis? Locally grown...in Illinois?"

I pulled the corn out of the bag - which looked fine - but as I pulled the tomatoes out it dawned on me why the "cute little farmers market" sold kiwis.

Me: "So, was there just one 'farmer' at this market or were there more?"

Mother: "There was just one guy. He didn't really look like a farmer but he had a pickup truck with everything in the back."

Me: "Ma. He wasn't a farmer."

Mother: "How do you know? You think you know everything BUT YOU DON'T."

Me: "Ma. His tomatoes have PLU stickers on them. And I don't know about you but I'VE never seen a kiwi tree or vine or whatever hell else they grow on in Central Illinois."

Mother: "Well."

Me: "Is this where I've moved? That a 'farmers market' is actually a dude named Randy who steals produce from Kroger's and sells it out of the back of his truck?"

Mother: "YES. AND I'M PROUD TO LIVE HERE!"

I think I need to be put back on my meds. Or on an IV drip of chardonnay.

Just Another Monday In The Riches To Rags Household

Have you ever had one of those moments where everything just cosmically comes together? A time when things you would never EVER consider doing just suddenly feels right? (And no, I'm not referring to alcohol-fueled hot sex, which is usually what comes out of my "cosmically coming together" revelations.) The last 24 hours has completely upended my world...but I know my life is going to be so much better because of it.

Ready? You sure?

I just quit my job and pulled my son out of school. I am going to homeschool him for the rest of the year.

I KNOW, RIGHT??? And I was sober the whole time!

Although I loved the little part time job I held in the ER, it was becoming increasingly difficult to keep up. I won't go into details but I would come home exhausted, miserable and unable to even cook dinner for myself and my child. I was physically and mentally spent. My managers were aware of my concerns - but I finally realized I wasn't the person I was six months ago. I had become a grumpy, exhausted, pain in the ass and it was ruining the relationships around me. Last night, I chose my health and mental well-being over the paltry money I was earning at my job and gave my notice.

My child is no angel. He's very bright with a reading/comprehension level equal to almost a senior in high school (although his math skills are horrid - definitely his mama's child!) He already knows most of what is taught in school and finishes his work early - which is when he gets into trouble. He gets bored easily and likes to make others laugh, much to the chagrin of his teacher.

Today, after his teacher told the class to stop talking, Mouth was whispering to a girl next to him. The teacher commanded him to sit in the hallway (because he learns SO MUCH in the hours he spends in the hallway each week.) He was angry and slammed the classroom door behind him. Big mistake. He then spent the rest of the day sitting in a fourth grade classroom with a dictionary, a piece of paper and a pencil, with strict instructions to start copying every word from the book.

(BTW, kudos to my child for not saying, "Really? I already have a vocabulary that rivals if not exceeds yours. Don't you think YOU should be the one studying a dictionary???" because that's what I totally would have said!)

He was humiliated, which I believe was his teacher's intent. When Mouth told me about his day, that cosmic voice said, "Do it." I called the principal and told him I was pulling my son from school. He wisely agreed.

SO! Big changes over the last day or so but I feel good about them. I listened to my gut and made decisions based on what felt right to me.

And right now my gut is chanting, "Chardonnay! Chardonnay!"

Yes, He IS Only Twelve Years Old

After leaving the visitation of a 16-year-old who died as a result of a heroin overdose:

Me: "So. That was pretty sad, huh?"

Mouth: "Yeah."

Me: "This is why I don't want you to ever mess with drugs. Doesn't matter if you're young, old, rich, poor - drugs will kill you."

Mouth: "I know. And I don't care how much money I have when I grow up, I'm not getting into drugs PERIOD."

Me: "Good boy."

Mouth: "Hoes are another story, though."

Me: "........."

Mouth: "What???"

Me: "Who are you?"

Look Out Rachael Ray! (Paula Dean, Your Job Is TOTALLY Safe)

I spend a lot of time online looking for dinner ideas. Mouth is slightly picky but will generally try anything once. His biggest issue is with texture ("why is there something crunchy in here?") but if it tastes yummy enough, he'll pick around the offending crunch.

Through my searching, I've found a handful of sites with consistently good recipes, such as Can You Stay For Dinner?; Pioneer Woman; What Megan's Making; and Smitten Kitchen. I regularly check them as well as a few "real" food sites, such as Fine Cooking; Real Simple's Recipe page; and Food Network. (Although I'm not a huge fan of Food Network - maybe because there are too many chefs to choose from...or maybe because most of the recipes suck? I don't know.)

Pinterest is my latest little gold mine for recipes. I've found several gems there, including recipes from some of my regular sites that I happened to miss while cruising through their pages the first time around.

Whenever I find a yummy-looking recipe that actually turns into finger-licking fantastic food, I want to shout from the rooftop, "Holy crap! That frikkin' lasagna was A-MAZ-ING!!! Thankyouverymuch, goodnight!" But since my neighbors are already pissed at me for the all-night kennel-training crying fests going on over here at Chez Rags, I think I'll save my delicious discoveries for my little blog. Call it a break from the snark, yes?

Note to self: Buy earplugs for neighbors as early Christmas gifts.

I'm far from a Master Chef but last night's dinner was pretty fab. It was Smoky Corn Chowder from Real Simple.


8 ounces sliced bacon, cut in 1/2 inch pieces
1 large sweet onion, chopped
2 garlic cloves, finely chopped
1/2 tsp smoked paprika
1/4 tsp crushed red pepper
2 10-ounce pkgs frozen corn
3 cups low-sodium chicken or vegetable broth
1 cup half-n-half
salt and pepper
4 scallions, thinly sliced on the diagonal
1 baguette, sliced and toasted (optional)


1. Cook the bacon in a large saucepan or Dutch oven over medium heat until crisp, 5 to 6 minutes. Transfer to a paper towel-lined plate.
2. Spoon and discard all but 2 tablespoons of the drippings. Return the pan to medium heat. Add the onion and cook, stirring occasionally, until soft, 5-7 minutes.
3. Add the garlic, paprika, and red pepper and cook, stirring, for 2 minutes.
4. Stir in the corn, broth, and half-n-half and bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer for 15 minutes.
5. Transfer half the soup to a blender and puree until smooth. Return to the pot and stir in 1/2 teaspoon each salt and pepper.
6. Divide the soup among bowls and top with the scallions and bacon. Serve with bread, if desired.

I also made toasted cheese sandwiches since soup seemed a bit light for my dinner tastes.

A few notes:

- I'd heard of 'smoked' paprika before and also heard it was definitely worth buying if a recipe called for it. I can't agree more. It was only like $4.00 and made a huge difference in taste.
- I used crushed red pepper flakes. Oh well.
- I couldn't find any 10 ounce bags of corn. All frozen corn in my store apparently comes in 12 ounce bags. Tasted the same.
- I used regular store-bought chicken broth. Low sodium? Psht. Did I mention I wasn't Master Chef yet? I can't season worth a lick so I need all the help I can get.
- Half-n-half? I totally used heavy cream. Cause I'm ghetto like that.
- No 'thinly sliced on the diagonal' scallions for me. Tasted just as good chopped.
- No baguette either. See above ghetto comment.
- Dutch oven = big pot.
- Next time I'd blend most of the soup instead of just half of it. It was a smidgen too chunky.
- This was supposed to be a break from snark, yes? Sorry....

With all that said, the chowder was AWESOME. Mouth complained about the texture in the beginning (natch) but finished with the bowl to his lips, sucking down the last of the soup.

I give it 4 out of 5 stars.

Puppy Lesson Number 1

When putting the puppy in a kennel, be sure to pull the blanket completely over the cage. If not, as soon as the puppy and the owner are calm and dozing off to sleep, the cat will saunter over to the exposed kennel door and break out in fluent Dog with, "Nanny nanny boo boo, you retched little fur ball. You think you're all cute and special? KISS MY FREE-ROAMING FELINE ASS."

At which point all hell will break loose.

I Was Always A Cat Person.....Until Teddy

And...................this is why we are probably the proud new owners of a 12-week-old weiner dog. The cats are gonna be PISSED.

More to come tomorrow.

Happy Birthday Stinkpot!

Twelve years ago today, I gave birth to a precious baby boy whom I swore was going to be the next David Beckham. Instead, my baby boy has blossomed into an interesting mix of Van Gogh and The Rolling Stones. And I couldn't be more proud of him.

Happy birthday, Mouth!!!!

(Due to procrastination, I didn't have time to order a cool cake. So I baked one myself. Needless to say, the Cake Boss guy's job is totally safe.)

Car Wash of Death

Apparently when I was young, I was petrified of the car wash. My mom would drive 15 minutes out of the way to drop me off at my dad's house, drive through the car wash, then drive 15 minutes to pick me up and go home. She occasionally teased me through the years about my fear of the automatic car wash, which I endured because my mother is a mean old troll. I would then tease her about driving a half hour out of her way just to get her car washed, which she endured because I'm an ungrateful bitch.

Yesterday was an unseasonably warm day here so I decided to run my jalopy through the car wash. Obviously I've been through numerous car washes in my adult life with no problems so I puttered on up the street a few blocks to the nearest car wash.

It was a cool little place. It had a doggie wash room on one side, a few self-wash stalls in the middle, and a big glass automatic car wash on the end. As I pulled up to the payment kiosk, I noticed the floor-to-ceiling spinning brushes like car washes from the 80s. Didn't they pretty much eliminate those because they scratched cars or something? Everything's "touchfree" now, right? Then I realized you had the option of "Touchfree" or "Softtouch". Cool! It's like an old-time car wash! So I selected "Softtouch" and pulled forward, ready to relive a part of my youth. FUN!!!

Holy. Shitballs.

NO WONDER MY MOTHER WENT 30 MINUTES OUT OF HER WAY WHEN SHE WASHED HER CAR.

I pulled in and the brushes started spinning. Suddenly, my car started shaking. Dude. I don't drive a Prius. I own a Jeep Commander. It's a pretty solid car that doesn't get too easily rattled. But this thing was SHAKING. Then I saw them. The monstrous, dark, flopping FINGERS OF DEATH hitting my car from behind. I started recording with my phone because there was no way Mother would believe this car wash tried to kill me.

* Side note, I didn't realize I made any noises during this experience until I played back the video. In fact, I don't think it was me because it sounds nothing like my voice. It's a weird strangled type noise that I'm pretty sure was just feedback or something. Including at the end, when it said, "Say go! Say go! Say go!"

Ding Dong Installs A Doorbell

Mom: "I installed your new doorbell today but I only hooked up the ding, not the dong."

Me: "Har har."

Mom: "What? I'm serious. There were three wires but I could only find where to hook up two of them. So your doorbell goes ding but not dong. I guess that other wire was the dong. Can you live with just the ding?"

Me: "Was I adopted?"

Good News, Bad News...Part 2

Good news? My bank is so awesome - they detected suspicious activity on my check card and called me on a Sunday afternoon to verify the nearly $120 in iTunes purchases charged to me that day. Debbie, from the bank's fraud department, was very kind in helping me uncover who used my check card to make all those app purchases.

Bad news? Mouth is grounded until he's married.

Motherly Advice: Or How I Wish My Mother Was Sweet, Like Joan Crawford

Feeling a wee bit shitty today as my house was auctioned off at noon. I would imagine it was bought by a nice banker, to whom I owe a lot of money.

In an attempt to make me feel peachy keen about losing the only home my child ever knew, Mother texted me today while I was at work:

"I was thinking you are pretty adjusted to living in my apartments for now. Spring is coming soon so maybe it would be a good time to maybe start your life in a new direction."

Ya think? Okay, I'll bite. I responded:

"Right on. I welcome your suggestions."

"Let's talk when you get home. I'll tell you my suggestions then!"

Aight. I'm open to new ideas. Let's hear it!

Me: "So...what are your suggestions?"

Mother: "Well. I think you should set a goal. Long term or short term, but definitely set a goal. And then work toward it. You'll get there! And maybe you should get back into your exercise routine again. You used to work out like six days a week. Maybe if you pick that back up again you'll feel better about yourself. But definitely set a goal and reach it!"

Holy shit. I never thought of that. A goal? To actually set A GOAL? BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN LOOKING FOR A 'REAL' JOB FOR ALMOST THREE YEARS??? But hell, A GOAL?!? Why didn't I think of that??? With groundbreaking ideas like these, she should run for public office! Lordy, good thing she's the brains of this outf...

Wait. Did she just call me fat?

Heart Attack In 3...2...1...

I'm at work and my phone buzzes in my pocket. It's a local number so I answer:

Me: "Hello?"

Her: "Hi. This is the Pekin Police Department."

Me: "I'm gonna kill him. If he's okay, I'm gonna kill him."

Her: "I'm sorry?"

Me: "Oh, I'm sorry. Hi?"

Her: "I'm looking for the resident of 1113 South **** Street. Are you that resident?"

Me: "No, I live at 1311 South **** Street."

Her: "Oh, sorry. We must have switched the numbers. Have a good day!"

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH HIS TEEN YEARS, AM I?

You Know You Work In The ER When...

you discover your thumbnail covered in blood and pray to God it's your own.

Good times. Goooooood times.

A Glimpse Of The Teen Years

Yesterday Mouth and I ran into a 13-year-old neighbor kid who was sporting a silver hoop pierced through his lip.

Me: "Oh my. Did you see August's lip???"

Mouth: "Yeah. It's kinda cool."

Me: "!!!!!!!"

Mouth: "Oh, don't worry. I don't want one."

Me: "Phew! Good boy."

Mouth: "But a chin stud on the other hand..."


I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH HIS TEEN YEARS, AM I?

Well....Hell.

Dammit.

I can't believe it happened. I said I would never never EVER do this. In fact, I believe my exact words were, "I'd rather chop off my arms and legs and be a flopping bloody torso than do that." But sonofabitch, it happened.

*sigh*

I watched an episode of 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians'.

Let me back up a bit: I have always maintained that I couldn't understand how a family of nobodys got their own show. Okay, so Bruce was an Olympian but that was like 50 years and 12 face lifts ago. And Kim's huge ass was featured in a sex tape with Brandy's little brother. I'm thinking, I have a big butt and am probably unknowingly in someone's shady sex tape but we don't see me with my own show, now do we???

Mother would be all, "I like the Kardashians! They're funny, and I like Khloe the best. You should watch it." I'm all, NO. It's the principle of it. I REFUSE to watch a show about these people who AREN'T FAMOUS.*

*Side note: None of the Real Housewives franchises fit into this category because they change cast members occasionally. And because I say so.

Then Kim goes and gets a divorce after being married for like 10 minutes? Garbage!!!! I mean, what did she expect? He's a big hairy oaf-looking dude. Blech! I once heard someone say they had to give Kim props because she extended her 15 minutes of "fame" (i.e., porn with Ray J) and turned it into an entertainment empire.

I did agree to that, actually.

Then...this is so horrible. I can't believe I'm admitting to this to y'all. The other night, Mother was watching Mouth and apparently watching Kardashian garbage again. When she left, I plopped down in front of the tv but got distracted (by something shiny, natch) and didn't change the channel right away. Then...I heard it.

I heard Kim Kardashian crying, saying she made a mistake by marrying Kris.

Shit. Shit. SHIT.

I TOLD YOU, KIM! He's a big, gross...OAF! I was hooked. The more I watched that Kris guy, the more I realized how immature and big and outright annoying he really was. I thought, how could this savvy, slick-dressing chick fall for such a...yeti??? I had to see. I had to see how Sasquatch landed her.

I found episodes online and started watching.

Shit. Shit. SHIT.

That was two days ago. Turns out, he was always Sasquatch. I don't know what the HELL Kim was thinking by marrying him. He's an asshole! And I've realized Kim bugs the shit out of me. She isn't the savvy person who wisely milked her soft porn fame - I give all props to her mom. Her mom founded an entire empire on that ass.

And I love Khloe. She's hilarious and throws the word 'douchebag' around like it was peoples' first names. LOVING. HER. Ah, she reminds me so much of me...

Gotta run. Kim's whiny ass is going to Dubai and apparently that was the beginning of the end for Mr. Kim Kardashian. Toodles!

Totally Worth Shoving A Human Being Out Of My Hoohah

I just want to take a moment to joyously exalt the fact that I am a POOR SINGLE MOTHER AND PROUD OF IT!!!!

(Um, is it totally obvious I just filed my taxes?)

Feeling Hot, Hot, Hot!

I was raised with electric stoves but found a gas stove in the first house I bought. Although I had a bit of a learning curve when it came to gauging temperature by looking at the size of the flame, I loved my gas stove. It was hotter and faster than any electric stove I'd ever cooked on.

My new apartment has an electric stove but it's one where the cooktop is flat, black and shiny. I dig it...except when I'm stirring and realize I stirred my pan right off the burner. Ten minutes ago.

Anyhoo, I learned a NEW lesson today! Have you ever been to one of those Japanese restaurants where they cook in front of you? You know when they squirt oil and light a match and WOOOOOO!!!! big flames shoot up in the air?

That's TOTALLY doable on a stove where the cooktop is flat, black and shiny. Personally, I have zero ambition to be a teppanyaki chef so it's safe to say I didn't intend to light my stove on fire. But it was kinda cool - until I realized I was going to have to put the fire out. All the tips firefighters taught us in grade school assemblies about putting out kitchen fires whirled through my head. Do I get baking soda? Do I find a pan lid? Where's that damn fire extinguisher Mother bought for me two Christmases ago???

As I'm standing there wondering what to do, Mouth walks up and goes "whoo!" and blows it out.

"I was totally going to do that in a sec."

"Sure, Mom. I'll be upstairs if you set anything else on fire."

Little shit. Guess who isn't getting any of my burned potstickers???

Duh!

Last night, Mouth was rolling around the living room floor making shooting noises and talking to himself. After a few minutes, I said, "What in the world are you doing?" He replied:

"I'm using my imagination. DUH!!!"

Man, I love that little weirdo.

Random Conversations

Mother: "I just have to throw my coat on and I'll be there - oh. Oh my..."

Me: "What? What's wrong?"

Mother: "..."

Me: "Mom? Mom, what's wrong???"

Mother: "I just looked in the mirror. I look like Nick Nolte's mugshot."

Me: "Oh my..."