It Would Be Cheaper To Buy Diapers

Insurance Company Operator (ICO): "Okay, let's get your claim started. You backed into someone, correct?"

Me: "Yep."

ICO: "Was this in a parking lot?"

Me: "Nope. It was at a stoplight."

ICO: "I'm sorry?"

Me: "A stoplight. I was at a stoplight."

ICO: "You backed into someone...at a stoplight?"

Me: "Yep. Hey, you think I could claim I'm color blind or something and I thought red was green???"

ICO: "Um...you BACKED into her."

Me: "Oh. Good point."

ICO: "And both cars are drivable?"

Me: "Oh yeah. She just has a cracked headlamp cover and a dented hood. My Jeep is a tank. Not even a scratch!"

ICO: "All from you backing into her...at a stoplight."

Me: "Yep!"

ICO: "..."

Me: "You're dying to ask me why I backed into someone at a stoplight, aren't you?"

ICO: "Well...."

Me: "Lady, I'm a woman on the EDGE. Not only do you NOT want to know, you don't even want to ASK."

ICO: "Oh! Right! No big deal. Trust me, it happens ALL the time! Now, to finish your claim......."


I think I played that well. It was bad enough I had to explain my actions to the other driver and to the police officer on scene. I wasn't going to replay events for a snippy insurance operator. Psht.

Because, really. How does one explain to someone who wasn't there how the traffic light was stuck and all the other cars got to have their turn SIX TIMES (I counted) while we sat at a red light? And how the stupid first car in my lane should have just turned right so our lane could at least get through instead of holding up traffic until it was four blocks long? And how the guy next to me pulled a u-ey and left a big car-spaced opening on my left? And how I only needed ONE FOOT of clearance in the front, and I could swing to the left and u-ey my way out of there? And how the chick behind me was all up on my ass in a tiny car and I didn't see her? And how the only reason I pulled any of these antics was because I had to POOP???

Public Pooping Protocol

Okay, let's just get something out of the way so we can all move on with this post and have fun.

Everyone poops. Big deal.

At home, at work, in the middle of lunch at McDonald's, we all gotta poop sometime. However, many people don't know there is a protocol for pooping in public.

I've been working for a full week now and CLEARLY the women in my vicinity have no clue how to publicly poop because our bathroom always smells like a dead body in a trunk (not that I would personally know that smell or anything. Swear.) I'm tempted to make 'Poop Protocol' signs and post them on the inside of the bathroom stall doors but the place I work is That Kind Of Place (you know, where not many have a sense of humor...and there would be an inquiry...a matching of the paper and scotch tape to find the culprit...then I would get fired over poop...so yeah.)

*Side note: Let me preface this by saying these protocols are written generally for women. Men, it would be fantastic if you followed these rules as well but I have a feeling y'all get off on grossing each other out. Plus you NEVER poop in public. You will race home to poop on your lunch break just to avoid a public mens' room stall, amirite???

Okay. Here we go:

First rule - FLUSH AS YOU GO. It quickly disposes of the stinky matter so therefore stops the marination of your poop, the aroma of which travels throughout the bathroom for several hours after your visit. Flushing also does a beautiful job of masking unpleasant sounds that may emit from your derriere.

I know what you're thinking. "I don't want my butt splashed" or "I'll be swallowed up by the toilet if I flush!" Honey, you're not six years old. You should know by now that the toilet monster doesn't exist. And the splash? You might possibly feel a little mist but think of it as a bidet. And you're saving everyone else's nose hairs.

Second rule - HIDE IN THE STALL UNTIL IMMEDIATE WITNESSES LEAVE. I forgot to mention we all also fart. Whether too loud or the result of an ill-timed flush, sometimes we just can't hide last night's refried bean burrito combo. It's okay. However, what's NOT okay is letting off farts that make dogs outside start howling, flushing and then walking out AND GREETING the woman standing at the sink who just had a front row seat to your ass concert. "Oooh, cute shoes!" ain't gonna take away the mental scars you just gave that woman by putting a face to the fart.

Now I realize you can't hide in a stall all day. It's okay to show yourself as other women are leaving their stalls because with bathroom acoustics no one is really 100% certain where the offending farts originated (it also helps to shoot a weird glance at the closed handicap stall door as we all know most poopers pick the big stall on the end.) But if it's just you and one other person, I'd wait to exit. Unless she stands there and does her makeup for 10 minutes. Then start making puking sounds, and she'll leave.

Life is hard - wars, famine, douchebags who hang in the left lane. Following these two rules will make all of our lives much more pleasant...and you will never be singled out as The One Who Poops.