There's More Than One Way to Skin a Cat

I have an old kitty named Toph (as in the cartoon 'Avatar', for those who never spent several hours a day watching cartoons because their child ruled the house AND the remote.) She is almost 14 years old. She's been sick for two years - essentially starving to death even though she eats like a hog. She even ate the dog's food, which confused him more than pissed him off.

I have spent several hundred dollars in recent weeks trying to help her feel better and find what's ailing her. The vet can't figure it out and wanted to "go invasive." I thought, she's an old kitty...she's had a good run...and I'm not dishing out two grand for her to die in exploratory surgery. So I made the decision to put her down.

The vet kept telling me how he could do this and that and send her to "the university" (???) before we finally had a 'Come to Jesus' meeting where I explained my thoughts on Toph's remaining days. He agreed with me that she was suffering, and we set the appointment for the next day.

As I sat at work that day, I was vascillating between feeling relieved because Toph would no longer be in pain (and I would no longer have to pay Mother to clean up cat diarrhea twice a day) and feeling terrible for ending a life - albeit an animal's life. Then a thought popped into my head: how much is this going to cost? Because I just spent $250 on the latest round of blood work for that dumb cat...how much will they charge me for killing her???

I started Googling (natch) and saw figures like $500. I thought, nuh UH! I'm not spending $500 to put my dying cat to sleep. She's down to only six pounds...how much sleeping medicine would it take??? So I OF COURSE turned to an expert.

My coworker, German.

(Yes, that German...of the sweater vest fame.)

Me: "German, what if the vet charges me five hundred bucks to put my cat down? I can't pay that. What do I do?"

German: "What??? You better Google that shit. Google "how to kill your cat at home". I GUARANTEE you people have not only searched that but have answers."

I couldn't do it. Not only because we were at work, and I can only imagine the warning bells going off in IT as I typed in the phrase "killing my cat" into my work computer but because she was my kitty...and I loved her...even though she went diarrhea everywhere. So I started Googling on my phone.

German: "Dude. I found it. They say the best thing is to build a CO chamber in your home. Not sure about the legality of it but still...you could tell the cops it's a pizza oven! Charge the neighbors when they need their pets killed."

Me: "Stop it!!! Wait. Here's something: 'I wonder how much money my vet's going to screw me out of if I ever have to have my little Rockmeowmadeus put to sleep when he's old and dying'..."

German: "Wait, wait, WAIT! Did you just say Rockmeowmadeus???"

Me: "Ha, yeah?"

German: "That's the BEST name! I'm going to get a cat JUST so I can name it Rockmeowmadeus."

Me: "What the hell? You don't like animals. You're Googling how to kill my cat!"

German: "I know! But that would be SO COOL!"

Needless to say, I took my kitty to the vet to be put down. They only charged $75 and were very sweet as I sobbed over her dead body because of the guilt I felt that I made the decision for her to die. But when I got home, Mouth and I agreed it was the right choice because she was miserable - and I felt much better.

Until two days later when the vet sent me a CONDOLENCE CARD. Assholes. And so ensued another round of sobbing.

Now I'm just waiting for German to get little Rockmeowmadeus. And then when his kitty gets sick I'M going to be the insensitive bastard and Google how to kill his cat at home.

Although I'm sure he will have the CO chamber already built as he would use the shit out of it as a pizza oven until it's needed.

Bless his heart.

When The Cat's Away The Mice Will Play

The last few days have been unbearably hot so we haven't been able to visit the dog park. Therefore, Baby Ted has THE WORST case of cabin fever. Yesterday, he dragged the toilet paper from the bathroom through the kitchen, around the dishwasher TWICE and was heading into the living room when I finally caught up to him. This is seriously worse than Mouth in February after a long, hard winter.

Today was again in the nineties but breezy so I braved the heat (anything more than 90 degrees makes me feel...stabby) and headed for the D.P. (Btw, D.P. stands for 'dog park'-it's code for those of us with pups who have come to recognize the words 'dog park' and must abbreviate it to avoid the BATSHIT CRAZY that ensues when the actual words are spoken.) Ted had so much fun today at the D.P. He played with two ugly poodles and ran his little furry butt off until he was so tired he was running crooked. You know what a busy day at the D.P. means, right?




Oh yeah. PASSED. OUT.

I turned the living room light off because, as a mama, I know I must do ANYTHING to encourage a baby to stay asleep once he crashes. I soon saw a few shadows out of the corner of my eye. Turns out that in our household the old adage "when the cat's away the mice will play" is now "when the annoying puppy is asleep the cats turn NINJA!"

Here's Moe wondering why the HELL his little kitty house was upended during Ted's heat-related house arrest:


And sweet little Toph. She's very old and very wise - and very intelligently infiltrated Doggy Headquarters.

Toph has made herself comfortable in Doggy HQ, and Moe is resting in his (still upended) house. And I used to think my life was boring....

Foto Friday

Stone Cold Kitty

How to Piss Me Off.....

Climb into my lap and cuddle and purr and be all sweet....then let out a silent tuna-flavored cat fart. I hate you. Just wait until tonight when you're snuggling under my down comforter. CAN YOU SAY DUTCH OVEN BEOTCH!!!!!