Things That Make You Go...WTF?

Mouth's orthodontist celebrates a child getting their braces removed by sending them out the door with two half-inflated balloons attached to a large bag FULL OF GUM AND CANDY.

Yes, a large bag FULL OF GUM AND CANDY.

I had to repeat that because I can hardly believe it myself.

I can understand her saying, "Congratulations for going three years without candy and gum because I'm a tooth nazi and I forbade you from those evils - as well as made your parents sign a waiver swearing to never buy you those prohibited goodies nor be witness to you consuming them. Here's a pack of gum and a Snickers bar. Brush after you eat them. Enjoy!"

But a big ol' bag of sugar??? That's like an oncologist celebrating a patient's last chemo session with a PACK OF CIGARETTES.

"Congrats on beating your lung cancer! Let's light up to celebrate!!!"

Am I missing something? Wait! Maybe the ortho has a little deal going with the dentist? The dentist initially refers his patient to the ortho, who fixes the crooked teeth. But the patient has had to take great care of his teeth during the years he had his braces on so there's very little chance of any cavities in the near future - so the ortho sends him off with a shit ton of sugar (which the patient inhales because it has been forbidden for three years.) The patient develops three cavities, must then visit his dentist, to whom the patient pays several hundreds dollars - and then the dentist gives the ortho a cut for the whole cavity thing. Holy shit! I figured out their scam!!!

That's it. Mouth is going to dental school.

No More Valium For Me

I had my six-month dental check today. The hygienist informed me she would need to take x-rays (which is fine because I don't need five people to hold me down like The Kid does.) But today was different because the hygienist asked me to follow her down the hall. Hmmmm.

I entered a room with a panoramic x-ray machine (which goes around your head, unlike bite wings that go into your mouth) and we took panoramic pics of my teeth. Afterward, I asked her why we did the panoramic x-rays instead of the normal bite wings. She said, "Oh, we don't do bite wings anymore. We can see more of the teeth in the panoramic x-ray."

What? WHAT??? SHUT. THE. EFF. UP.

Now some of you may not be familiar with The Kid's aversion to bite wing x-rays. I usually need a valium after he goes for a check up.

I asked if they took children. She said, Absolutely! OH YEAH. The Kid has never thanked me for giving birth to him and having to endure painful constant contractions and a long-ass needle stuck into my back (which I was SO grateful for that I wanted to have the anesthesiologist's child. And she was a woman.) No, not even a "Good job, Mom!"

But this? The Kid is going to bow down and kiss my feet when I tell him he can switch dentists. He SO owes me. Like, for life.

I think I'll start by making him clean my room and paint my toenails.

Heaven Help Me

It is once again time for one of my most dreaded and horrible duties I have as a mom. It drains me physically and mentally every time I have to do it, and I swear every time I will take every measure to ensure that I don't have to do it anymore. But here we go again.

The Kid has a dentist appointment tomorrow.

I was never afraid of the dentist when I was young because he was my dad. I liked the "Mickey Mouse" gas (nitrous) he gave me, and I knew he wouldn't intentionally hurt me. (Although there was that one time I groaned as he was pulling a loose baby tooth and he said to his hygienist, "Don't mind her. She always complains." Bastard.)

(Side note: I grew up mostly in the 80s so dental regulations weren't exactly adhered to. Or passed yet. My sister, who was around 14 or 15 years old, spent her summer vacation acting as my dad's hygienist. She did a good job...until I came in for a filling. Back then, dentists used the silver fillings that had to set for ten minutes or so. After my dad filled my cavity, he instructed my sister to keep the suction tube in my mouth until he returned from checking another patient. Long story short - I started playing with the filling with my tongue...it slipped down my throat...my sister went after it with the suction tube...and did NOT retrieve the filling. My dad came back in, and we acted like nothing was amiss. That was the last time he left us alone during my dental visits.)

Anyballs, The Kid HATES the dentist. And when I say hate, I mean he would rather chop off his arms and legs and be a flopping bloody torso than go to the dentist. The last two times he had to have x-rays it took five of us holding him down to get the pictures. FIVE.

I don't know why he's so afraid. He can never come up with a valid answer when I ask him. You would think he'd be flossing every night to avoid the dentist, right? NOT. Hence, our pending visit tomorrow to get a cavity filled.

Perhaps when the hygienist isn't looking I'll sneak a whiff off the Mickey Mouse gas. Hell, I'm paying out the ass for it, and I'll probably need it more than The Kid does.

*Dear God, please be with me and The Kid tomorrow. Let the dentist appointment go smoothly and keep us all safe. Especially the poor hygienists. Amen.*