Well....Hell.

Dammit.

I can't believe it happened. I said I would never never EVER do this. In fact, I believe my exact words were, "I'd rather chop off my arms and legs and be a flopping bloody torso than do that." But sonofabitch, it happened.

*sigh*

I watched an episode of 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians'.

Let me back up a bit: I have always maintained that I couldn't understand how a family of nobodys got their own show. Okay, so Bruce was an Olympian but that was like 50 years and 12 face lifts ago. And Kim's huge ass was featured in a sex tape with Brandy's little brother. I'm thinking, I have a big butt and am probably unknowingly in someone's shady sex tape but we don't see me with my own show, now do we???

Mother would be all, "I like the Kardashians! They're funny, and I like Khloe the best. You should watch it." I'm all, NO. It's the principle of it. I REFUSE to watch a show about these people who AREN'T FAMOUS.*

*Side note: None of the Real Housewives franchises fit into this category because they change cast members occasionally. And because I say so.

Then Kim goes and gets a divorce after being married for like 10 minutes? Garbage!!!! I mean, what did she expect? He's a big hairy oaf-looking dude. Blech! I once heard someone say they had to give Kim props because she extended her 15 minutes of "fame" (i.e., porn with Ray J) and turned it into an entertainment empire.

I did agree to that, actually.

Then...this is so horrible. I can't believe I'm admitting to this to y'all. The other night, Mother was watching Mouth and apparently watching Kardashian garbage again. When she left, I plopped down in front of the tv but got distracted (by something shiny, natch) and didn't change the channel right away. Then...I heard it.

I heard Kim Kardashian crying, saying she made a mistake by marrying Kris.

Shit. Shit. SHIT.

I TOLD YOU, KIM! He's a big, gross...OAF! I was hooked. The more I watched that Kris guy, the more I realized how immature and big and outright annoying he really was. I thought, how could this savvy, slick-dressing chick fall for such a...yeti??? I had to see. I had to see how Sasquatch landed her.

I found episodes online and started watching.

Shit. Shit. SHIT.

That was two days ago. Turns out, he was always Sasquatch. I don't know what the HELL Kim was thinking by marrying him. He's an asshole! And I've realized Kim bugs the shit out of me. She isn't the savvy person who wisely milked her soft porn fame - I give all props to her mom. Her mom founded an entire empire on that ass.

And I love Khloe. She's hilarious and throws the word 'douchebag' around like it was peoples' first names. LOVING. HER. Ah, she reminds me so much of me...

Gotta run. Kim's whiny ass is going to Dubai and apparently that was the beginning of the end for Mr. Kim Kardashian. Toodles!

Jingle Bells

Besides finding Ryan Gosling wearing nothing but a big red bow under my tree on Christmas morning, this is TOTALLY what I want.

Reality TV Moment

I admit it...I LURVE reality tv. I've been following reality trash since Real World in New York (first season, natch!) The worst part is there are certain shows I really try not to like...but then I happen to watch one episode at 3 am and then I MUST FIND OUT WHO WINS (e.g., The Bachelor, Top Chef, Shear Genius.)

I've been riding the reality wave with joy but my worst fear is it will go south. And by south, I mean Jake Pavelka as 'The Bachelor'.

Slowly I'm seeing my cherished reality shows go down the tubes...if that is possible. Examples:

• The Bachelorette: The Bachelor was so obviously sexist that producers smartly started offering America's fave chick (who usually got dumped by Prince Charming in the Bachelor finale) a chance at love through 'The Bachelorette'. Very smart move. Trista met Ryan, they had 2 kids...YAY! Fast forward to Jillian. And Ashley. These days, just because a girl is the runner up doesn't mean she's hot. I think Bachelor producers got a little full of themselves and started casting without polling America. No surprise that ratings are waaaay down.



• Real Housewives of New York: Gawd, I love these ladies. I've been following them since day one. However, the recent reunion show was almost too much. They are all sick of one another by this point and I don't blame them. I'd pay deeply to bitch slap every single one of them. Including Jill. Twice.



• Real World/Road Rules: The pioneers of reality garbage. What started out as social experiments has turned into drunken fueled drama amongst 20somethings who obviously have never held gainful employment. I miss Julie, Eric, Kat, Mark and the MTV Winnie.



• Sixteen and Pregnant/Teen Mom: I wish I had seen either one of these shows in high school. Or college. Jesus, I never would have had unprotected sex...or really sex AT ALL...if I had watched the trials and tribulations of Farrah, Amber, and Maci. As a single mom, I have a tough time watching new seasons. I totally yell at the tv like, "Don't trust that little shit! He'll leave you once he realizes newborns don't sleep for more than two hours at a time!" And "He's not waking up at night to change diapers? Don't let that douchebag sleep! WAKE HIS ASS UP!" And "Oh, you think you'll go on to college with a baby because come on, a baby isn't a big deal?!? Good luck with that!"
  



• Jersey Shore: So awful you just HAVE to love it! I'm totally fist pumping as I type this.



• Keeping Up With The Kardashians: Who? Wait...how the hell are these girls famous again??? I have a big ass. Where's my reality show?????? Never watched it, never will.

Wanna know how pathetic I am when it comes to reality crap? I was up late one night and found a show called, "Groomer Has It". It was a reality competition among dog groomers. I literally sat there and thought, "What the hell has this world come to when we showcase the lives of dog groomers???" But damn it to hell if I didn't watch the whole season because I HAD TO KNOW WHO WON. (Bee tee dub, Huber TOTALLY deserved the win!)

I'm self diagnosing here (and yes, the grammar dick in me is annoyed my hyphen still doesn't work) but I think I love reality crap because....my life has been upended and SUCKY the last few years. It makes me feel a little better to see other people's lives go down in flames, too. But thankfully they're not people I know personally because then I would feel like shit for them.

So until I work my life out to supreme happiness, I will remain addicted to reality garbage.

Except for Charm School. I'm totally a fan of throwing bitches under the bus to screw Brett Michaels but having Sharon Osbourne chastise the manners of girls with neck tattoos? That's a bit much.

Even for my trashy mind.

Reality Garbage

Poor Tenley. She farts rainbows while Vienna farts sex and candy.

*sigh*