Motherly Advice: Or How I Wish My Mother Was Sweet, Like Joan Crawford

Feeling a wee bit shitty today as my house was auctioned off at noon. I would imagine it was bought by a nice banker, to whom I owe a lot of money.

In an attempt to make me feel peachy keen about losing the only home my child ever knew, Mother texted me today while I was at work:

"I was thinking you are pretty adjusted to living in my apartments for now. Spring is coming soon so maybe it would be a good time to maybe start your life in a new direction."

Ya think? Okay, I'll bite. I responded:

"Right on. I welcome your suggestions."

"Let's talk when you get home. I'll tell you my suggestions then!"

Aight. I'm open to new ideas. Let's hear it!

Me: "So...what are your suggestions?"

Mother: "Well. I think you should set a goal. Long term or short term, but definitely set a goal. And then work toward it. You'll get there! And maybe you should get back into your exercise routine again. You used to work out like six days a week. Maybe if you pick that back up again you'll feel better about yourself. But definitely set a goal and reach it!"

Holy shit. I never thought of that. A goal? To actually set A GOAL? BECAUSE I HAVEN'T BEEN LOOKING FOR A 'REAL' JOB FOR ALMOST THREE YEARS??? But hell, A GOAL?!? Why didn't I think of that??? With groundbreaking ideas like these, she should run for public office! Lordy, good thing she's the brains of this outf...

Wait. Did she just call me fat?