And This Is When Life Tells You To Sit Down And Shut Up

This could be nothing, or this could be everything.

I climbed life's ladder like one is supposed to: go to college, become an adult, have a child, get The Perfect Job, move up in The Perfect Job, buy a house, raise your child "right" - until the bottom dropped out from under me. Three years ago I was laid off from The Perfect Job and I just haven't been able to recover. I haven't been able to find full-time work, and I haven't been able to get back to the confident self-sufficient me who graduated college with a toddler and was ready to take on the world. I spent all my savings trying to save my house - the only house my son ever knew - all for naught. Just over a year ago, I had to declare bankruptcy and I lost the house. With no money left, I moved to Arm Pit, the town where my mother grew up - and where I hated to visit every Easter, Thanksgiving, and Christmas because it meant spendin' time with the crazies. But it's also where my mother owns an apartment building and offered me a place to stay. She lives four doors down from me. I get free rent but I pay the price, capiche?

I have been an insufferable asshole for the last year. I'm miserable so I'm making everyone around me miserable. I lose my temper more than I should, and I've cussed at my child and my mother. I've been horrible.

Two years ago a childhood friend of mine was diagnosed with melanoma. She has two children - babies who are now 4 and 7. She is literally fighting for her life with stage 4 metastatic melanoma. That really put my current situation in perspective. I was so grateful for what I had - even if my mother still treated me like I was sixteen years old. But then I slipped again. Feeling sorry for myself, for not being able to find full-time work, for having to beg my mom for money.

A few days ago I woke up with upper chest and back pain. I slept wrong. The next day my chest and back pain was better but I was dragging all day, and tonight I couldn't seem to catch a good breath without coughing. I thought I was maybe anemic (thank you Google for that diagnosis) so I decided to buzz through our local ER just for a quick check.

Five hours later, I was discharged with instructions to immediately call my internist to set up an appointment because the CT scan showed a mass in my left lung.

"It could be a reading error but the surrounding lymph nodes are swollen as well so I think there's something there."

I've never smoked (outside of the handful of experimental cigarettes in college - I mean, who doesn't try it at least once???) I used to be uber-healthy but let my exercise regimen slide after I lost my job. But a mass - a tumor, the doctor even said - in ME?

I walked out of the ER at 2 a.m. all by myself. It was dark and deserted with not a car or person in sight. Not even a breeze to rustle any leaves. It was so still...and beautiful. And I started sobbing because all I could think was, I'm going to die in this town. I'm a single mom - God wouldn't do that to my son, would he? Zane is only twelve. Then again, I was twelve when my dad died of diabetes so yes, God would do that to my son.

The ER doc admitted the scans "weren't very good ones." That made me feel better.

Two radiologists reviewed the scans and concurred there was a mass. That made my heart race.

My internist thinks it's nothing to be worried about because of my age and non-smoking history. He put me on antibiotics to rule out any possible pneumonia, with another xray to follow in a few weeks to be sure. That gave me a ray of hope.

But then The Lung Institute called today and said they wanted me in their office in four days. That scared the shit out of me.

This could be nothing, or this could be everything. I'll keep you posted.