Happy Anniversary Dad

What's worse? 1) losing your dad when you're a child and missing out on him walking you down the aisle and then knowing your children or 2) losing your dad after he's walked you down the aisle and then been a loving grandparent to your children?

I always thought the former rather than the latter but now I don't know.

Today is the 25th anniversary of my dad's death. He died from complications of diabetes two weeks before my 13th birthday. He was the coolest guy I knew. He taught me to be independent under my uber-obsessive mother and showed me how a "serious" dentist could rock out to Tammy Wynette by blasting her out his convertible Mercedes speakers, NATCH! He was f*cking awesome, and I've missed him every single day. And I thought nothing could ever be worse than losing a parent while still so young. His death has been such a huge part of my life that on any given day I can tell you how many years/months/weeks/days it's been since my dad died.

But I was so grateful I had 12 years with my dad, and I prayed for kids who lost their parent(s) younger than I was. I felt so bad for them - I was so lucky to have as much time with my dad as I did.

My grandfather (mom's dad) passed when I was 26 years old. Ever since, every holiday family gathering included the ritual sobbing about poor PawPaw who died at 76 years old. He walked every single one of his daughters (several times for two of them) down the wedding aisle, and he knew their children and grandchildren. I thought, My father never had the chance to walk me or my sister down an aisle, never knew his grandchildren - but here are these people weeping over PawPaw. They should be thankful for all the years they had with him. They all knew my history yet they still sobbed. Honestly, I became pissed at their insensitivity...so I stopped attending family holidays.

Recently a friend of mine lost her father, who was in his 80s and suffering from cancer. And it got me thinking: Which would be worse? A dad who died young so never knew his children or grandchildren; or a dad who lived to a ripe old age so knew his children and grandchildren but then died?

Obviously I don't have the answer but as my friends are losing their parents, I'm beginning to see the pain of losing someone who's been around one's whole life. Maybe I was lucky to lose my dad before we could make millions of wonderful memories. I cherish the handful I do have but I will always wonder what my life would have been like with that brilliant, ornery, loving, carefree Dan Shute in my life.

I've lost three grandparents, one great grandparent, a parent and two close friends...but I miss my dad the most. He and Mouth would be two peas in a pod...which would probably be TOTALLY BAD.

But I still wish they could have met.

Happy anniversary, Dad.

Love, R