Rated M for Mature

Okay…I’m gonna go a little risqué on you here. Today's topic is talking dirty.

(Quick side note…that sentence reminded me of my friend Sarah’s funeral. Sarah was the funniest person I’ve ever met – and also one of the dirtiest. But what was great about her was that she didn’t hide her potty humor. Friends, family – even her mom knew about her dirty sense of humor. The highlight of her funeral – in fact, the highlight of my week as that was one of the worst in my life – was when the pastor said, “I hear Sarah was quite funny. Actually, I also hear she was quite risqué …” YES!!! I laughed through my tears that day. Sarah – a pastor called you risqué in church. I know you were cracking up at that one! One of these days I will write a post on her. She was the best…)

Anyway, back to talking dirty. I can’t do it. I’ve seen pornos, I know what’s supposed to be said but I just can’t do it. If nothing else I start cracking up! “Oh yeah baby, you know what I want to do to you? I want to…to…lick your…BUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!” Can’t do it.

I recently talked this over with an ex of mine who is a hillbilly (yes, I just gave you away.) I was like, you’ve done that??? He said, “Hellllll yeah! Y’all are missing out!” The man who once pointed to a Dairy Queen Brazier sign, laughed and shouted, “Look…BRASSIERE!!!!!!” can talk dirty. And I can’t.

One of my fave uncomfortable moments came when a guy I was seeing/messing with/same thing suddenly said, “Do you know how many times I’ve masterbated to the thought of you this week?” My mind raced! I didn’t know what to say! So I said…

“Thank you?”

*sigh*

Ah well. I can do other things that make up for my lack of porno talk. Maybe some time I’ll get reallllly drunk and just go for it. Take what I’m feeling and put it into words, then translate it into porn. Yeah! I’m ready! I can do this!!!!!

“Oh yeah…I’m hot too...yeah baby…hold on…let me take off my…brassiere…BUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

Nope. Ain’t happening.