Rags Reads

The worst part of being unemployed (other than having an income of ZERO) is the boredom that sets in once Mouth goes back to school. I usually spend my mornings showering, applying for jobs online, and sitting out back with Ted. My afternoons are what drag. So I started reading.

And reading. And reading.

I dug mysteries growing up - Nancy Drew, Mary Higgins Clark, anything with a dead body rocked my world. A few months ago, I downloaded a free Kindle app from Amazon onto my phone so I'd always have a book with me. However, because I'm broke I only download free books - which is a real crapshoot as most free books are free for a reason.

Side note: I once read a book so bad that I left a review on the Amazon site. (Reviews are extremely common and usually determine whether I read a book or not. I check out the stars readers gave the book and read a couple of blurbs to see if it's my cup of tea.) So I left my review that really truly wasn't that scathing. I gave it one star and basically said the characters weren't really developed, gave an example, and suggested maybe the five-star reviewers were family and/or friends of the author because I can't see the book being five star. The author WENT NUTS. He kept leaving batshit crazy comments, cussing me out, saying I was just a failed writer who wanted to be like him...yada yada yada. I was like, I don't want to be like you...you suck! Then he would delete the comments - that way, I would see them because Amazon would automatically send them to me but the rest of the world wouldn't see them because he had deleted it. He was obviously unstable - which I detailed in a second review comment on his book. His name is Buck Winthrop. Obviously the screen name of a failed porn star...and I'd recommend avoiding his book at all costs. Douchebag.

Anyhoo, I got to the point where I needed a GOOD BOOK but I didn't have the funds to visit a bookstore. Then I remembered....the library! I hadn't been in one of those since college but I knew there was one somewhere in my little armpit town.

I started on the Michael Connelly crime/mystery book series featuring Detective Harry Bosch. I highly recommend the whole series. Even though Harry was a middle-aged man who chain smoked and sported a moustache, I enjoyed his story and was continually enrapt with his escapades. I blew through the whole series within a month or so. 4 out of 5 stars.

After finishing the Bosch books, I decided I wanted something a bit more educational...or at least something that might help me win Tuesday Night Trivia. I put a call out on Facebook asking for recommendations on autobiographies and such. I got a lot of great feedback. Unfortunately, my local Armpit Library only had a few of the suggestions. Below are three bios and my scholarly review (read: snarkiness) of each.

"Most Talkative" by Andy Cohen
As is pretty evident to anyone who remotely knows me, I am a Bravo whore. I love everything reality-especially if it's on Bravo. Andy Cohen is Executive VP of Development and Talent as well as the host of Watch What Happens Live (WWHL) and the Real Housewives' Reunion Specials. I was shocked when I first realized the same WWHL Andy was a VP at Bravo but was floored after I read his "path to the top." Essentially, Andy has been an overactive, inappropriate gay Jewish boy his whole life (well, the gay Jewish thing is sort of a constant but you know what I mean.) He's really quite lucky he's landed where he has because he was one sequined suit away from being a backup dancer in a Liberace revival in Vegas. And I'm glad he made it because I LOVE HIM! 3 1/2 out of 5 stars.

"It Ain't All About The Cooking" by Paula Deen
I have a love/hate relationship with Paula but I saw her book on the shelf and wondered where the whole butter addiction stemmed from. Turns out she suffered from agoraphobia for years (as did I) and was dirt poor after leaving her alcoholic husband. She worked her little Southern ass OFF to open her own restaurant, then worked just as hard to get to the iconic cooking goddess status that she now holds (although she never explains her fascination with butter except to chalk it up to her Southern upbringing.) I have newfound respect for her...but I still can't watch more than ten minutes of her tv show. 3 out of 5 stars.

"Stories I Only Tell My Friends" by Rob Lowe
I grew up in the 80s with Rob Lowe posters on my wall (along with Rick Springfield) so I was stoked to read his book. Unfortunately, Rob's book consisted mostly of the details of his acting career. A few interesting tidbits but if these are the stories he only tells his friends, then he's boring! This guy probably had one of the most interesting sex lives in the 1980s and 1990s. I vaguely remember him being involved in some sort of sextape scandal - I was excited to hear his side. Nothing. Totally glossed over his scandal. I had to Google it to see what happened. Good Lord...I wanted details! Okay, understandable if he wanted to protect ex-girlfriends and didn't want to give juicy details but you gotta give me something - I mean, I drove all the way to the library to borrow this thing. You owe me more than that! 2 1/2 out of 5 stars.

That's as far as I got because now I have a job! I start next week so my obsessive book reading days are likely over. However, I still have a few books on my wish list:

• "Hell's Angel: The Life and Times of Sonny Barger and the Hell's Angels Motorcycle Club" by Sonny Barger
• "Chelsea, Chelsea, Bang, Bang" by Chelsea Handler
• "The Stranger Beside Me" by Ann Rule (a Ted Bundy story)

Any other suggestions?

Oh, and no need to include any of Mr. Winthrop's other books. If he has more than one. Which is doubtful. Highly doubtful.

Texting.....

Me: "Hey Ma, Krogers is having a bunch of food samples today. They're everywhere! Just an fyi."

Mother: "I know. That's where Grandma and I ate lunch today!"

Lord, please let me be adopted...

*sigh*

I'm Totally Going To Hell

I'm so bad. I actually just told someone who is flying for the first time to text me during her flight so I could send encouraging texts like, "You can do it! You'll be fine!" and "You didn't wear lycra, did you? Cause that shit sticks to your skin while you're searching for the emergency exits!"

Good thing I'm already in therapy.

Happy Anniversary Dad

What's worse? 1) losing your dad when you're a child and missing out on him walking you down the aisle and then knowing your children or 2) losing your dad after he's walked you down the aisle and then been a loving grandparent to your children?

I always thought the former rather than the latter but now I don't know.

Today is the 25th anniversary of my dad's death. He died from complications of diabetes two weeks before my 13th birthday. He was the coolest guy I knew. He taught me to be independent under my uber-obsessive mother and showed me how a "serious" dentist could rock out to Tammy Wynette by blasting her out his convertible Mercedes speakers, NATCH! He was f*cking awesome, and I've missed him every single day. And I thought nothing could ever be worse than losing a parent while still so young. His death has been such a huge part of my life that on any given day I can tell you how many years/months/weeks/days it's been since my dad died.

But I was so grateful I had 12 years with my dad, and I prayed for kids who lost their parent(s) younger than I was. I felt so bad for them - I was so lucky to have as much time with my dad as I did.

My grandfather (mom's dad) passed when I was 26 years old. Ever since, every holiday family gathering included the ritual sobbing about poor PawPaw who died at 76 years old. He walked every single one of his daughters (several times for two of them) down the wedding aisle, and he knew their children and grandchildren. I thought, My father never had the chance to walk me or my sister down an aisle, never knew his grandchildren - but here are these people weeping over PawPaw. They should be thankful for all the years they had with him. They all knew my history yet they still sobbed. Honestly, I became pissed at their insensitivity...so I stopped attending family holidays.

Recently a friend of mine lost her father, who was in his 80s and suffering from cancer. And it got me thinking: Which would be worse? A dad who died young so never knew his children or grandchildren; or a dad who lived to a ripe old age so knew his children and grandchildren but then died?

Obviously I don't have the answer but as my friends are losing their parents, I'm beginning to see the pain of losing someone who's been around one's whole life. Maybe I was lucky to lose my dad before we could make millions of wonderful memories. I cherish the handful I do have but I will always wonder what my life would have been like with that brilliant, ornery, loving, carefree Dan Shute in my life.

I've lost three grandparents, one great grandparent, a parent and two close friends...but I miss my dad the most. He and Mouth would be two peas in a pod...which would probably be TOTALLY BAD.

But I still wish they could have met.

Happy anniversary, Dad.

Love, R

Rags Reviews...Movies

Mouth and I saw "Frankenweenie" tonight. Horrible. Horrible.

Horrible.

The movie ended with a whole theater of kids sobbing - including ME! Stop reading if you don't want a spoiler...

Let me sum up the movie in one paragraph:

A boy's dog died (which was heartbreaking but expected as that was the whole premise of the movie) but the boy brought him back. Fast forward an hour, and all the neighborhood animals that had already DIED were brought back to life by their previous child owners but then DIED again because they came back bad so had to be killed. Then the boy almost DIED and an evil cat was impaled (which was kinda graphic for an animated movie) and it DIED. Then the dog DIED AGAIN (gettin' the theme here yet?) but the boy actually brought him back to life. End of movie.

By the second dog death, I was a mess! I walked out wiping my face with my sleeves and mumbling "That movie sucked! I HATED that movie! Everyone kept DYING!!!" I was shocked Mouth wasn't making fun of me but now that I think about it, it's probably because he was too busy wiping his face as well.

We came home and hugged Ted for 10 minutes.

One out of five stars.

Things That Make You Go Hmmm

I've just noticed that my small Midwestern town (where the only thing organically grown around here is rednecks) now has TWO thriving hydroponic "Alternative Indoor Gardening" stores.

For the discerning indoor gardener.

Which apparently number enough to warrant TWO supply stores.

Hmmm.....

First World Problems

I've clean forgotten my debit card PIN number because it's been THAT LONG since I had money in my checking account.

Now I have to wait a week until my new PIN arrives. DAMMIT.