Going Green

Setting: The Kid was taking a bath.

Me: "Hey, don't let your water out when you're done. I want to hop in and take a quick bath."

The Kid: "Why aren't you going to run your own bath?"

Me: (Thinking of the water bill and probable lack of hot water left in the tank) "Cause I don't want to waste water."

The Kid: "Going green???"

Me: "Uh...yep! Going green!"

The Kid: "What about my pee?"

Me: "........let your water out."

The Kid: "But you said we were going green!"

Me: "I'm not THAT green!"

Valentine's Day, Schmalentine's Day

I think Valentine's Day was invented by some poor husband who forgot his wedding anniversary. He woke the next morning and found his wife standing over him with a meat cleaver. He jumped out of bed and quickly said, "But honey! I didn't forget our anniversary! I was waiting until today to surprise you because today is...Valentine's Day! Yeah! Valentine's Day. You can't even begin to imagine all the gifts and activities I have planned for us! Starting after I get back from running a few errands..."

Smart man. I think his last name was Hallmark.

My first Valentine's Day present was from my high school boyfriend. He gave me a little perfume bottle (it was black and white, like an exclamation point. Maybe it was called Exclamation? I prolly just dated myself.) I felt so loved! He thought of me and gave me a GIFT!!! I LOVED VALENTINE'S DAY!!!!

Little did I know that would be my ONLY Valentine's Day gift. Ever. For some reason, I never had a boyfriend around V-Day. Birthday, yes; Christmas, yes....the most romantical day of the year? Nope.

The closest I came was a guy I had been seeing for a few months. We fell pretty hard for each other - he had already told me he loved me (and yes, HE told me first!) As Valentine's Day neared, I thought, "Maybe this is the year - the year I finally get a gift!" We had been having little spats for a few weeks but we were still technically together. The Big Red day finally arrived. We had an argument the night before and I wanted nothing more than to bitchslap him but I WANTED TO FINALLY EXPERIENCE VALENTINE'S DAY WITH A DATE. He arrived at my house, I sat in his car and he handed me a card. "Here you go. Happy Valentine's Day!" I never opened it. On the front of the card he had written my name: Reagan. Really? REALLY?? REAGAN????

YOU SUPPOSEDLY LOVE ME SO MUCH AND YOU CAN'T EVEN SPELL MY NAME RIGHT?????? I cracked. I bolted from the car, ran inside and threw the card away. (Quick side note, this was pre-child so I was young and slightly immature. I would never do something like that today. I would have been pleasant and let him buy me dinner before never answering his phone calls again.)

It's okay though. I get cute little Valentine's Day cards from The Kid and an occasional little bear or something else that melts my heart. For a little shit, he can be so sweet!

If you have someone special in your life, don't wait until February to show them how much you love and appreciate them. Cherish the love they give you and forgive them for the little things they do that drive you insane. Like spelling your name wrong.

And don't forget, men - there's something called "Sweetest Day" in October. I'd really like to meet the bastard who invented that one because SHOCKER!!!! I'm always single then too!

Be Happy You're Not Darrell

The Kid: "Why did you have to give me such a common name like Zane? Why couldn't you have given me a cool name....like REX????"

CAUSE I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO GROW UP TO BE A PORN STAR.

Guess Where I Ate Yesterday?

I'm Convinced The Kid Was JFK in a Past Life

My son didn't start talking until around age 3, long after most kids his age (though when he did finally decide to converse with me, he spoke in full sentences.) By the age of four, he was reading and speaking complete sentences, albeit with a small problem of pronouncing his "r" like "w" - typical for a child around two or three. My theory was that since he started talking later than most, my son was behind the timeline of when "normal" kids work through speech issues. I figured he'd work through it eventually.

When he started school, his teacher wasn't concerned with his speech. She said she'd seen it many times and, just as I thought, he would work through it with time. It became a bit of a joke sometimes - he would say, "Mommy, how do spell woad?" I'd be like, "What's a woad?" "A woad!" he'd exclaim. "Dude, I don't know what a woad is!" Exasperated, he would explain, "You know, the thing cars dwive on?" Ah! ROAD! Gotcha.

Fast forward a few years. The Kid still has the speech issue. One day, Aunt Bat-Sh*t-Crazy said, "Zane, you have a speech impediment!" I cringed at those words. Not MY perfect baby! He looked at me, questioning what she said, knowing what those words meant, and I just blurted out, "No he doesn't. He has an accent!" Not really sure where that came from...somewhere deep inside of my self-preservation mechanism, I guess. But we rolled with it. If anyone made a comment about The Kid's speech, he would proudly proclaim, "It's my accent!"

In third grade, Zane made it to the school spelling bee. He outspelled most of his classmates, eventually succombing to a fifth grader. The next day I received the call I had been dreading for 8 years: it was the school's speech therapist. "I heard Zane in the spelling bee yesterday, and I noticed he has a little issue with his r. Would you be willing to let me work with him on that?" Good thing she didn't utter the words "speech impediment" or I would have come down to her office and shoved my phone up her....nose. Although I'd become accustomed to The Kid's cute little "accent" - as well as had a little fun at his expense - I knew it was time to bite the bullet and get him help.

The Kid went to speech therapy every week so I expected him to lose his accent by the end of the school year...but he celebrated his last day of school by shouting, "Summwer's hewre!" Sometimes kids will say, "Zane, you talk cool! Where did you get your accent?" To which he responds, "I don't know. I was bworne with it." Few adults would mention anything (they're prolly afraid to say anything in our politically correct world) until I started working with a woman from Connecticut. The first time she heard Zane speak, she said, "That kid sounds like he's from the East Coast!" Really???? The more I thought about it, the more I agreed. It was hilarious! Whenever someone would remark on his speech, my friend would say, "Yes, Zane and I ah fwom Connecticut. We don't know why his mothah doesn't have an accent."

Not sure what happened to the school therapist this year but I'm not rocking the boat. I love his little accent - and seeing people's expressions when I tell them we're from Boston, complete with my Midwest accent. I dropped The Kid off at drum lessons the other night, and his teacher came out and asked, "Hey, where does Zane get his accent? Are you guys from Boston?" BUAHAHAHAHHA! I laughed so hard and said no, he was born and raised in Central Illinois but we get that all the time.

The clip below is The Kid saying the iconic East Coast phrase, "I parked my car in Harvard Yard."

Just Wait Until You're Married.....

The Kid: "Mommy, can I cuddle on the couch with you and watch TV?"

Me: "Sure babe. Here, crawl under my blanket."

The Kid: "K. So watcha watchin...GEEZ MOM. THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS SHAVE YOUR LEGS!"

Me: "Pssht. It's winter and I'm not dating anyone. Get used to it."

My Favorite Line.....

Maury: *insert name here*...you are NOT the father!!!!!