Home Sweet Home

Even though I am a 29-year-old independent woman (and by 29-year-old independent woman, I mean a mid-30s single mother LIVING ON THE EDGE), I still blame my older sister for one of the major stresses in my life. Why? Because she once said five magic words to me. Five words that I took as sage advice from my intelligent, well-meaning sister who has ten years more life experience than I do. At one of the most important crossroads of my life, my all-knowing sister said:

"You should buy a house."

I was living in a cute little apartment with huge bedrooms, lots of closet space and paying nearly half the rent one would be paying elsewhere. Life was sweet...until a tramp moved in above me. I don't care if you have sex over my head on the weekends. Hell, when you started yelling, "SAY MY NAME!" I had no problem cheering, "Go Ashley!!!" But when you start moaning and screaming at 6 pm while my child is watching television right below you, leading him to ask, "Mommy, what's wrong with Ashley? Should we call 911?" I have to draw the line. That's when my sister suggested I become a homeowner.

"You'll have equity!" "It's a smart decision!" "Your son will have a stable home!" I started thinking, I could paint! I could decorate however I wanted! I could scream during sex and no one would care! (Okay, two out of three were realistic...) So I did it! I found the perfect house! And I put in an offer! And they took it! And we moved in! YAY!

Yeah. I have one very important piece of advice for women such as myself who are contemplating buying a house. Advice that my SHITHEAD SISTER never imparted. Something I discovered during my stint as a homeowner.

DON'T BUY A HOUSE IF YOU DON'T HAVE A MAN.

I realize this is the 21st century and women can do anything they want...but I don't care if you're Gloria Steinem - bitch you NEED a man to have a house. (Or a woman like my neighbor, Heidi, but that's different.) I have a college degree and am unnaturally good at winging things. I had a drawer with some tools and a fat book titled, "The Ultimate Guide to Home Repair and Improvements". I figured with all that - and the internet, natch - I could totally do this house thing.

Do you know how difficult it is to light the pilot light on a 40-or-so-year-old furnace? And do you know how much it costs for a furnace repair guy to come over to your freezing cold house to light your pilot light for you? (Also included in the fee is the ominous warning of "I don't know how much longer this furnace has left!")

Two weeks ago, I found water under my kitchen sink. I discovered it was coming from a little hole in my sprayer hose. Psht. A little hole? I can so fix that! I bought a new $12.00 sprayer with hose kit and Googled how to replace a kitchen sprayer. THIS WAS SO DOABLE!

I turned off the water supply, figured out how to dismantle the sprayer. This is easy!!! All that was left was detaching the hose from under the faucet!

$150 dollars later, Justin the plumber finally detached the sprayer hose.

This week, I lost part of a fence in my backyard (don't ask.) I wanted to replace it, mentioned it to my mother - who shocked me with, "Oh yeah! Fences are easy. I put one up with Aunt Jeanne the other week." Really? REALLY? We could do this? Hell yeah we could do this! I AM WOMAN. HEAR ME ROAR!!!!!

Who knew the dirt in my backyard had the consistency of cement? And, most importantly, who knew how far into my neighbors' yard my mom would roll after she fell??? Mom and I got almost halfway along the fence line when we decided that my having a fully fenced-in yard wasn't worth our deaths. I called in a favor with my MALE cousin, and he came over and pounded the spikes into my yard. Took him about twenty minutes. (Thankfully this one didn't cost as much as the sprayer hose...though I do now owe him a case of beer.)

Every time something goes wrong with my house (new furnace, collapsed carport, sewer line roots, etc) I call my sister and say THANK YOU. I REALLY NEEDED THIS BULLSHIT IN MY LIFE. IT JUST WASN'T ENOUGH FOR ME TO BE A SINGLE MOTHER OR TO BE BORN INTO A FAMILY THAT COULD GIVE JERRY SPRINGER A LIFETIME'S WORTH OF MATERIAL. THIS IS AWESOME.

At Easter, I overheard my sister talking to my 25-year-old niece. She's single, smart and trying to find her place in life. Suddenly, I heard the familiar words: "You know what you should do, you should buy a house." OH. NO. SHE. DIDN'T.

Needless to say, that conversation didn't last long as I jumped right in there and told everyone my thoughts on a single woman owning a house. I truly believe I saved my niece that day. And she totally owes me now.

You know, she IS dating someone. I wonder if her boyfriend knows anything about plumbing? Cause I haven't had hot water in my bathroom sink for two years...