GAME ON

It's been a while, my friend, since our last battle. The battle that almost drove me insane, constantly peeking through my shades, waiting for you, trying to catch a glimpse of you violating me. But I outsmarted you and finally won that battle.

I've often thought of you, usually around this time of year. I wondered if you thought of me, thought of what I'm keeping from you. But tonight you came back. I heard some noises outside, didn't see anything...but peeked a few minutes later and caught you. Oh yes, I saw you.

Three years ago, you needled me by sneaking into my garbage container and strewing paper and food throughout my carport. You bypassed the container lock like a little Nancy Drew. Your furry butt sticking out of the lid mocked my valiant efforts to keep you at bay. But I outsmarted you. With a bungee cord no less.

It's been a while but you know what? I'm still smarter than you. And the bungee cord is still in place. So there's only one thing to say:

GAME ON F*CKING RACCOON!

Thinking that.....

I'm sure Paula Deen is a nice lady and all...but if I had to spend more than five minutes talking to her, I would shove hot skewers into my ears y'allllllllll.

Things That Make You Go Hmmm.....

Noticed today that WalMart is offering H1N1 flu virus shots. In the Kitchen Goods section. The line reminded me of that one time I rode a Greyhound bus from Tucson to Los Angeles. Talk about a veritable array of who's who in mental illness...

Why yes, I DO know I've lost my mind!

I've enrolled The Kid in drum lessons. He's been begging for a few years and has now officially declared me the Coolest Mom in the World.

Everyone else wonders where they can get some of the drugs I'm obviously high on.

How to Get on my Good Side.....

Card me for that bottle of wine. I realize it's probably required of you but THANK YOU.

How to Piss Me Off.....

Spend hours trying to persuade me that a 9-year-old boy should own a PSP game that is rated M for mature. Not only is it not happening, but you're thisclose to being put up for adoption.

My Kooky Neighbors Again

Those who know me AT ALL are familiar with my disdain for anything involving lawn care (mowing, raking, snow shoveling), which makes me a thorn in my neighbors' sides. And although they are all wonderful, upstanding citizens of my community - and loan me stuff - they are all complete yard freaks. Doesn't matter what day of the week, what time of the day, or what inclement weather we are experiencing, I can most likely find one or all of my neighbors partaking in yard work. Sick bastards.

Today, it is sunny and a balmy 9 degrees outside. Two of my neighbors, whom I love dearly, have lost their ever-loving minds. Not only are they working in their yard, they are RAKING THEIR ROOF. That's right, they are RAKING THEIR ROOF. Maybe it was the horrified look on my face (most likely it was me standing outside shouting, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, YOU CRAZY BASTARDS????") but they patiently explained how snow will melt and form ice, which gets under the roof shingles and...blah blah blah. All I could think was, WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY DOING, THOSE CRAZY BASTARDS???

Thank gawd in all of this madness I had my wits about me and ran inside for my camera.

Truthfully, my neighbors are so wonderful and I don't deserve them. Their house is in much better shape than mine - with hubby's artistic flair and wifey's knack for being able to do ANYTHING because she is secretly MacGyver - I can only aspire to be as cool as they are. They even raked my roof.

I will sorely miss them if we have to move. However, I still think they need some form of therapy for their yard obsession...