Five More Weeks

I've been a pretty busy gal recently. I'm still working fulltime as a corporate cubicle ass kisser but have veered off in an inneresting new direction. In the last five weeks I've:

• Refreshed my CPR training (i.e., killed my knees on concrete blowing dummies)
• Gave an injection to the very brave guy who has sat next to me for the last five weeks
• Studied my ass off while running back and forth between work and class
• Learned that you CANNOT raise your blood sugar level by sticking a bottle of Honey Bear honey up your bum

For those of you who said "Rags is in nursing school"....SURPRISE!!!!! You're wrong. Turns out if you already have a bachelor's degree (me) and have enough student loans to purchase a small house (me) no one will loan you money for nursing school (me). So I went a different route - I'm in a 10-week crash-course EMT-Basic class.

Yep.

I'm at the halfway point this week. In five more weeks, I can go out there in the world and BE A HERO (or as my instructor says, "...being a hero means having a crackwhore spit in your mouth.")

I have no clue what I'm gonna do when I finish this course. I honestly can't see my ass hopping in and out of ambulances and hoisting heifers down six flights of stairs (though I think I might enjoy dodging the spittle of a crackwhore.) There are other opportunities for EMTs out there. I hope.

But the biggest downfall - and what keeps me up at night moaning, "What was I thinking???" - is the pay. The person who responds to your 911 call to help save your life makes on average $12 an hour. Let's just say I make a BUNCH more than that being a corporate cubicle ass kisser. But money can't buy happiness....

Psht. THE HELL IT CAN'T!!!! But although my soul loves its high-speed internet, it needs some much needed attention right now. And I think this is my right path for right now.

I'll be sure to revisit this post the first time someone thanks me for helping them by saying, "F*ck you!!!" and then puking on me.

Can't wait!

What now?

You know that age-old question that's supposed to reveal your ideal profession? "What if money was no issue - what would you do with your life?" I never could answer that question. Well, not as an adult...but I've recently been given the rare opportunity to ask myself that question, answer it and then live it (and no, I didn't win the lottery....yet.)

Laid off. I feel like a welder with bad teeth and a penchant for Natural Light. It could easily make one feel as if being laid off is a sign you weren't doing your job well. I wasn't warned - always received good remarks on my work. BUT...it is what it is and I am now being paid to sleep in.

So.........what now? I have health insurance for one year and will get approximately 2/3 my salary per month. A little belt tightening required (perhaps a boyfriend is now needed so I can get free dinners out? It's not even summer yet so he wouldn't have to start mowing my lawn for at least 2 months!) Anyhoo, money is now not an issue - what do I do with my life? So many options. I've never liked the corporate world - though it paid well, people were vicious. I was tattled on so many times for trivial things - I cried more at *previous shitty employer* than I ever did at home. I can't deal with that. I've learned firsthand that life can be gone in a snap. It's too short to deal with stupid, insecure assholes who make you feel insignificant and stupid - all so they can make enough money to install a bidet with warm water. I see this furlough as a blessing...and a second chance.

I've thought of tweaking my degree so I could teach - helping shape young minds, summers off - but I'm finding the entry teaching jobs to be very few. Write a book! I actually have a really good story to tell but that takes time...and then I'll get called back halfway through and won't have time to write. The world is my proverbial oyster, and I'm just sitting here wondering how to get that slippery little bugger on the damn cracker so I can eat it!

I've wanted to live in Florida since I was 7 years old. I went to college there but was all by myself and came back to be near family (what was I thinking, right???) I'd love to go back and this would be the perfect time - wouldn't be stressed to find a job. But as always, a child changes everything. Zane loves his school - he has a phenomenal teacher this year and is in love with the girl next to him, Rebecca. I know he'd LOVE Florida...but what if? What if I move them (yes, the nag - I mean the nanny - would come with) and they hate it? What if I don't, and I regret it? Many people say they'd rather live without having to ask "what if"? "Just go for it - you'll always regret it if you don't!"

Arggggh. Oh well....the turmoil gives me something to do for now. It could be worse - I could have been engaged to Bachelor Jason! You know, he was seeing Molly behind Melissa's back the whole time. If I was Melissa, I would have throat punched Jason right on that stage - and held Molly down and shaved off her eyebrows or something. Seriously.

And my mother wonders why I'm still single????

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